If I Had a Million Page #6

All well and cheerful, I see.

We have so much to be thankful for,

haven't we?

Oh.

- Now, isn't that much better?

- Yes, Mrs Garvey. Very.

Oh. Oh, ladies, what is this?

How many times have I told you

that these coverings must be left tucked in?

When they're tucked in,

Mrs Garvey, they cramp our feet.

No, no, no.

Ella, please.

Ladies, ladies, ladies.

How many times have I told you

card playing is not permitted?

It promotes ill feeling.

We never feel ill from it, Mrs Garvey.

We kind of like to...

I'm afraid we can't risk it,

Mrs Davis.

We pride ourselves

on preserving harmony here at all times.

Anything that might tend to disturb

the happy serenity of...

Heavenly days! What's that?

- Don't tell me I cannot cook!

- You can't!

- You say that to me?

- To you!

- Mrs Walker.

- That's me.

- What's the trouble?

- She wants to bake biscuits.

- Bake biscuits?

- Well, no crime, is it?

I baked biscuits for 50 years

before I came to this place.

The first batch I ever put in the oven

turned out better than anything he ever made.

- Ah!

- Mr Papadopoulos.

Yes, ma'am.

You wanted to make biscuits

because you think he can't cook?

No! I wanted to bake biscuits

because I wanted to bake biscuits.

I like to make biscuits. I made them all my life.

Why shouldn't I make them now?

Now, Mrs Walker, suppose we let

all the ladies in the home make biscuits.

Suppose you did?

You'd have a lot of good biscuits.

Now, Mrs Walker,

we've been patient with you - too patient.

- Perhaps if we'd...

- Patient? You've been patient?

Why, only yesterday,

when I brought a little kitten...

You know our rule against cats.

They're disease carriers.

Disease carriers?

Then why ain't I dead?

I've had cats all my life.

None of them ever carried any disease

where it could hop onto me.

All the other women in this house

have had lots of cats, I bet you they did.

- Now, let me tell you...

- Mrs Walker, I'm not going to argue.

This is not a penal institution,

you know.

You're free to go

any time you're dissatisfied.

Free to go. Oh, sure.

Just like that.

But where?

Back to my son and daughter-in-law

where I'd only be in the road?

Or to some furnished room or hotel

where I'd be all alone,

day after day.

Oh, I tell you, there ain't any jail

made of steel or stone

that can hold a body prisoner as tight

as one built of old age and lack of money.

"Free to go." Hmm.

You know,

I've been thinking.

If things pick up,

maybe I can get out of here

and me and Jim

can get a place again.

A little place, you know.

Somewhere...

I know.

I know, honey.

That's what you should do.

Just like George and I did.

- The mailman.

- I always get a letter on Wednesday.

Sorry.

Only a letter for Mrs Walker.

May I take it?

- Oh, certainly.

- Thank you.

Mrs Walker.

Mrs Walker.

- There's a letter for you, dear.

- Oh. Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

Nothing happened at home, did it?

No. No.

I always act like this when I get a letter.

It makes me feel so good.

Me, too,

if I'd got anybody to get one from.

Mrs Walker,

would it be asking too much

to read it out loud?

Why, no.

No, I... I'd be glad to.

You know, the fact of the matter is,

my daughter says such funny things,

it brings my lumbago

back on me from laughing.

"Dear Muzz..."

My daughter-in-law

always calls me "Muzz".

It's just a pet name.

Sort of silly, but she does it.

"Dear Muzz..."

"It seems like we've been more lonesome

for you than usual this past month."

"Only last night, Eddie..."

Oh.

- What's the matter, dear?

- Oh!

What's the use of pretending?

I was just making it up as I went along.

It's all a lot of lies!

They never write to us any more.

They don't miss us!

Ladies.

I want you all to know Mrs Small,

who's joining our little family.

I'm sure you'll be happy here,

Mrs Small.

We do our very best,

within reasonable limits, of course,

to make our guests

perfectly at home.

If you'll take off those clothes,

one of the girls will bring you a uniform.

- Where shall I undress, please?

- Right here.

Oh, but I couldn't do that. Why, I've never

even done that in front of my husband.

Nonsense.

You'll soon get over that, Mrs Small.

Now, let me see.

Where will you sleep?

Oh, yes. There's a bed.

This will be your bed, Mrs Small.

I think you'll find everything quite...

Why, where is the pillow?

Oh, here it is.

- No, Mrs Garvey, please. I...

- What's the matter?

- It's my husband's pillow.

- Your husband?

Why, I never heard of such a thing.

Your husband is...

Oh! Mrs Walker, what are you doing?

Mrs Walker!

How dare you?

I'd dare anything rather than have you

blab to Mrs Scott that her husband's dead.

- She knows her husband's dead.

- Certainly.

But the only joy she has

is pretending that he ain't.

You're not going to stop her doing that

if I can help it!

- Mrs Walker, you've gone too far.

- Too far?

I ain't gone half far enough. I'm going to

tell you what a sanctimonious old...

Stop! Mrs Walker, I'm going to call your son

and tell him to come and take you away.

And I'll take pains to tell him

what an unruly, meddlesome...

Tell him! Tell him!

- I'm unruly, am I? Meddlesome, am I?

- Yes!

- I came here to see Mrs Walker.

- Of course, Mr Glidden.

- Just as soon as Mrs Garvey...

- Go on, call him! See if I care!

I'm going to get this off my chest

to know the reason why.

I'll teach you to break poor old women's

hearts just to see the pieces fly!

Please, Mrs Walker.

This is Mr Glidden. He's...

- I'm going to tell you just what I think...

- Just one moment, please.

If you'll talk to me first,

you can finish what you have to say.

- I'm sorry, but Mrs Walker...

- Try and stop me!

- Well, what do you want?

- I want to talk to you alone, if you please.

Won't you sit?

Eavesdropping. What does this mean? Get

back to your rooms immediately. The idea!

Help! Quick!

Come here, somebody! Help!

- Mrs Walker. Mrs Walker, she's fainted.

- Oh!

You wouldn't fool me,

would you?

I wouldn't fool you

for a million dollars.

I'm very sorry.

I only work here.

I can't help it if you're a son. Nobody's

allowed in without Mrs Walker's permission.

As long as you're getting $200 a month

from me, you will rock.

- But that's all you will do.

- But, Mrs Walker...

It's rock or quit.

Well, if it suits you.

- What a life!

- You're telling me.

Aces up.

Three queens and a pair of jacks.

And me with a cockeyed straight.

Mrs Walker,

what are you putting the top...

Who's making these pies?

- You, Mrs Walker.

- You bet your life I am.

Now, I'll attend to the pies,

you attend to your rocking.

That's what you're getting paid for.

- Nice music.

- It's hot!

I'll say it is!

A million dollars!

Whoopee!

No, I'm sorry.

You can't speak to Mr Glidden.

Yes, sir,

but those are my orders.

How much longer? The directors have been

waiting three quarters of an hour for him.

Yes, sir. I've tried, but I can't go in.

He throws books at me.

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