If Only Page #2

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Where do they come up with them?

Oprah.

Oh, right.

You're up guys.

Excuse me, Miss. I couldn't help

but notice that you work here.

I was just wondering

what time you... knock off?

Oh, just piss off, will you?

Oh, sh*t. Sorry, mate.

That's all right, mate. Sorry.

I should be heading off anyway.

Samantha. Right.

See you later, boys.

Bye bye, Romeo.

- I think she liked you.

- Definitely liked you, mate.

I just need an objective

person to tell me

if the surrealist nudes

should go on the east wall...

or whether I should put the

multiple phallus sculptures there.

they look pretty amazing

when the sun hits them.

I bet they do.

Is that Ian?

What's he doing?

The surprise.

Clifton Hall, please.

That's a music school, isn't it?

Yeah, there's a concert there tonight.

Your girlfriend's a musician?

That's right.

And you're having problems

with your love life.

How in the world did you know that?

People in my profession are second

only to barmen in knowing about

the problems of the heart.

So what's the trouble?

Ah, don't wanna talk about it.

That's a good idea. The thing

will probably just fix itself.

Well, I can't seem to make her happy.

How can you love someone

so much and not know how...

how to love her?

So you do love her?

Yes, very much.

Yeah, well, that's all that matters.

She's going away tomorrow, for two weeks.

And she wants me to go with her.

What if she never came back?

What sort of a question is that?

Well, come on, picture it.

You wave goodbye at the airport,

she gets on an airplane...

you never see her again.

Could you live with that?

No.

No, I couldn't.

Well, you know what to do.

Appreciate her, and what you have.

Just love her.

It's not for another two blocks.

You can't show up empty-handed.

You know, if Ian bought a ticket

and if he's coming home with me,

that's really sweet. I mean

maybe he's coming around.

I hope so. You deserve it.

And if Ian doesn't know that,

he's nothing but a fuckwit.

You always know exactly what to say.

Now remember, you are the bee's knees.

It's a good thing.

Have a great time tonight.

Thank you. Bye.

Next, Melvina Walters will sing...

Juliet's waltz, by Gounod.

Hey. Thanks.

You ready?

Uh, yeah. I'll see you later.

Enjoy the great trip.

Oh, hey, Oliver, oh, you made it, hi!

Are you kidding? He wouldn't

have missed it for the world.

She was the best one.

I love Miss Andrews.

Everyone does.

If I was just a few years older...

You!

- This is for you.

- Oh, well... Thank you.

Ian, is this not just the cutest card?

Yeah.

We should go.

- Well, I...

- That's okay,

We need to go, too.

It was a disaster,

Dunbar passed, Trahern is pissed

and I'm screwed.

- God, Ian, I'm so sorry...

- Forget it.

So... What else is going on?

Lottie has an exhibit tomorrow.

Some bigshot gallery, the 'Zinc'.

And I went down there this afternoon

to help her...

Sounds like fun.

Wanna dance?

When have you ever seen me dance?

So where did you go this afternoon

after your meeting?

I called your cell like a zillion times.

Oh, I turned it off,

I didn't wanna hear from anyone.

I spent the rest of the day

walking around the city, thinking.

About?

About us, and whether

we were gonna make it.

No, I didn't mean that,

you don't understand.

You have to admit our morning was

not the greatest, and the meeting was...

Well, I was wondering what to do,

and then I met this cab driver, and we talked.

A cab driver, you talked...

Sounds weird, but it was good, really.

He made me realize that even though you

and I have problems, we share a lot, too.

We enjoy each other, and

I should appreciate that.

It's underneath everything

and despite this awful day,

I adore you.

I guess what I'm saying is, I...

I wanna soldier on.

I really do.

Okay?

No.

No what?

I don't wanna "soldier on".

Ian, if I were to stay in London now,

it would only be for you. For us.

And I would do that in a heartbeat...

if I thought that we were

really special.

- We are.

- Really?

You never tell me how you feel,

or talk about yourself.

You don't wanna meet my family.

You forgot my graduation.

We ran into my favorite student, and

you act as if he has something contagious.

Ian, I know you have the best intentions...

but I just feel like I'm a very high

second priority for you.

That hurts.

And the worst part is

I'm starting to get used to it.

I don't understand.

I know.

It's what kills me.

If there'd just been one day, Ian...

one day, when nothing else

mattered for us...

- I adore you.

- I don't wanna be adored.

I wanna be loved.

Where are you going?

Spend the night at Lottie's,

to the airport tomorrow and then...

I can't do this anymore.

I saw you at the travel agency today.

Where are you going?

Johannesburg, business.

Samantha, Samantha wait, please.

Will you, please?

You can't do this to me.

You can't leave me.

What are you saying? You're saying

that I'll never see you again?

Are you coming or not?

In or out, my friend?

It's your choice.

Samantha!

No, Samantha!

Baby, baby please no!

Baby, baby please...

Help me, help me, help me!

So sorry.

I wanted to be with her...

I really did.

How can this have happened?

How can she be gone?

"Got a part-time job teaching music to kids.

There's a really cool art teacher there

named Lottie. Insane in all the best ways."

"Met a great guy, his name is Ian.

Great Kisser, Killer Smile.

Let's see what happens."

"I've been working on this song about me and Ian.

I want to give it to him before I go away,

but I'm afraid I'll scare him

so I bought him a jacket instead."

"They say there's always someone

in a relationship who loves more.

Oh God, I wish it wasn't me."

"Love Will Show You Everything"

Read one word, and I'll kill you.

I was just kidding!

You're, you're, you're here!

Yes, yes, and you're scaring me.

I, I, I...

You...

I...

You...

Okay, I'm gonna approach you,

and... and now I'm gonna hug you.

It's okay, everything's gonna be okay.

I'm really gonna miss you.

Me too, I really will miss you, Sam.

I hope you know that.

- I do.

- It's important that you believe me.

I believe you.

And I would hate... hate for you

to have to go through so much pain.

So instead of missing me,

why don't you come with me to Ohio?

Samantha...

You're definitely not coming.

I can't.

Of course you can't, work,

I know, big meeting...

I... I had a meeting...

and you... you...

Okay. Ian, calm down.

Calm down.

Look, you're very prepared for today

and you're gonna be great.

Don't go anywhere.

What are you doing?

Sit, don't move your cute

British butt. Don't look.

- There's a gift.

- There's a gift.

This can't be happening.

Well, of course it can.

I like buying things for you,

and I wanna say goodbye properly.

Portobello road.

Plus, look at this.

Oh, my God!

Okay, not the reaction I was looking for.

I'm sorry, I just... I had a terrible

nightmare. And I can't seem to...

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