If These Walls Could Talk 2 Page #5

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That's all we were thinking.

We know it's your baby, but--

What-what "but" ?

See, that's why we were

so specific with you

about the--

The responsibility

of the donor.

Exactly. Zero.

Do either of you guys

remember the "zero parenting

responsibility" clause...

That we all agreed to ?

Uh, yeah.

We're sorry.

I think that--

we wanted to. I mean,

we really did, but--

We know how important

this was to you.

We really do.

It's just that...

We feel strongly about

wanting to participate here.

That's okay.

We understand.

Yeah. Yeah, we do.

It's fine.

It's fine. Right ?

Yeah.

- I-- what we're

gonna do is...

Just-just move on from here,

because this is something...

Clearly you've thought about,

and it's your decision,

And this is your response,

and this is our response,

And you shouldn't feel

responsible for responding

to the way we're responding--

To you.

Look at her.

Look.

Oh, look at him.

Is he not the cutest

little boy ?

Fran, I don't know

if I can know him.

I don't know

if I can know--

To be able to point

and say "that's the father

of our baby."

I don't-- I mean,

not that I could

put a face to anyway.

I don't-- I don't--

no face is okay with me.

I can't believe they have

sex-selected semen.

I can't believe you can order

sperm over the internet.

Well, I don't think you can

actually order it, but--

You can. You can order it,

and they send it in the mail.

Oh. No.

No, I'm gonna pick it up.

I mean, that's the least

I can do.

Are you-- are you sure

this is legal ?

Yeah, it is. Look.

They've got menus and lists

and the whole darn thing.

you know, maybe we should think

about having an ethnic baby.

Ethnic babies are

so beautiful.

What, are you kiddin' ?

Are-are you serious ?

You're not serious, are you ?

Yeah, I thought I was.

What happened

to what we talked about ?

I'd kinda like it

to look a little like me.

I mean, do I look...

Indonesian, or what--

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Well, I mean, you know--

I'm sorry.

you know,

I'm sorry sometimes too.

I love you so much.

I want the child

to look exactly like you.

That's too far.

What if they lie ?

That's what I wanna know.

I mean, what are they gonna do--

hire a private detective

to follow the guy...

Who says he plays guitar

after solving world peace

every day ?

Yeah, exactly. I mean,

who checks these resumes

anyway ?

What do you call

those things ?

How the hell should I know ?

Profiles.

Profiles. I knew that.

That's what they're called,

Because that's what...

The F.B.I. Keeps on convicts.

We're gonna get a felon donor.

Who would be more inclined

to do this--

Some serial killer

who needs 20 bucks,

or some handsome genius...

With an i.Q. Of a zillion ?

What genius gives sperm ?

What self-possessed person

wants to jerk off in a cup

for 20 bucks ?

how's it comin' ?

Oh.

You know, maybe--

I mean, just maybe--

There's some wonderful guy

who just walks in here

and says,

"hey, I just wanna

drop off my sperm...

"in case there's this...

Great lesbian couple

who needs it."

I'm scared outta my head.

me too.

It's perfectly normal.

All your concerns are normal,

But I have to tell you,

before we sell any of our sperm

to a client,

We've known our donors

for at least a year.

You're kidding.

No, we do extensive

background checks.

We go back at least

three generations

for most of our donors.

It would be

really difficult to lie

under those circumstances.

I guarantee you're getting

the cream of the crop here.

"cream of the crop."

Do you believe that woman is

talking about sperm...

And using sentences

with the word "cream" in it ?

Doesn't that seem to have been

the slightest bit weird to you ?

Yes, it's weird.

The whole thing is weird to me.

- Maybe we should adopt.

- Oh, yeah. That's easy.

Adoption agencies are

always so open

to alternative family adoptions.

That's true.

It'd be quicker

if you got me pregnant.

- What are you doin' ?

- I hate that I can't

get you pregnant.

- I hate it more.

- Couldn't possibly.

Oh, yeah.

Know why ?

Hmm ?

When I fell in love with you,

I decided that I never wanted

another man in my life--

Or, in my bedroom, at least.

And now,

in order to get pregnant,

I have to have another man--

or, at least, a part of a man--

In the bedroom,

and it's not fair,

and so I hate it more.

Honey ?

You're sitting on my ball.

- Hmm ?

I'm freaking... Out.

About what ?

I don't have sperm.

That's why I'm freaking out.

Can you believe--

I don't have sperm, and I am

forced to keep looking at--

At pages and pages

of-of...

Potential sperm that--

because I can't--

I can't give you the baby,

okay ? So--

So we'll never know that the--

what that would be like:

If just by our love--

if just by just one night

of our love...

That we accidentally

get pregnant.

If we had that kind of luck

that we could say, "oops !

Look what we did out of love."

But we can't do that,

so now we have to look

at sperm and pick the guy...

That's closest to me,

that has blue eyes

and blond hair, and--

I don't care anymore.

I don't care.

I mean, really, is his sperm

gonna be different 'cause he's

an electrical engineer...

Than the guy that works

at a hardware store, even,

you know ?

That has a little red vest ?

What's wrong with that ?

Interests:
Hiking.

He walks.

Wow, that's special.

You must be a special guy.

I mean, our kid is gonna be

a great kid, because we're gonna

raise it with such respect,

And we're gonna teach it

so many positive things...

And tell it that it can be

anything it wants to be,

And he can grow up to be

anything and everything...

Because it's a beautiful child,

and it's an individual.

That's all that matters.

Am I right ?

Yes, you are right,

But I thought we were just

gonna narrow it down today--

Just narrow it down

to the few that we like.

That's what I'm doing.

I've narrowed it.

I did. I narrowed it down.

Okay. Good. Good.

And-and who did you pick ?

I picked the ten

nonreligious towheads...

With an I.Q. Over 95.

Perfect.

Yup.

- Yeah.

Brownie ?

- No.

I refuse to get fat

over this process.

Thank you, though.

Hmm ?

- Why are we

watchin' t.V. ?

What ?

Just thinkin' there's

better entertainment.

Yeah ?

You know, shelly did this

for a year.

Did what ?

Peed in a cup...

So that they could chart her

ovulation cycles and patterns...

So they would know the whole

thing before they got started.

Who's shelly ?

Oh, you know, that, um,

That woman that used to work

with us whose husband was a

football player for the lakers.

- That was like five years ago.

- Well, story's still relevant.

Okay, go.

By the way,

do you know that the lakers

is a basketball team ?

What did I say ?

I did ?

You said "football." mm-hmm.

You did.

Whatever. How am I supposed

to keep that all straight ?

If we have a boy, you might

wanna know these things.

If we have a boy,

You'll know these things,

so why should I have to ?

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