If You Could Only Cook Page #2

You merely hold it suspended

between finger and thumb

6 inches above the saucepan,

and gently waft it back and forth like this.

You see? Not 2 inches, not 3 inches, but 6.

There.

Taste that.

Give him a taste.

The job is yours.

Now, besides the other stuff

I want you to do around the house,

I want you to drive my car.

-You know anything about the cars?

-Oh, yes, sir.

Well, I just bought myself a Buchanan Eight.

I think I should be able to handle that, sir.

You got references, ain't you?

-References.

-Well, ain't you got references?

Or ain't you got no references?

You know, letters from the last place

where you work.

Well, unfortunately, sir, our trunks were lost

when we arrived on the boat

this morning from England.

-England?

-Yes.

-Surely you've heard of England, sir?

-What boat did you come on?

-The Mauretania.

-Who did you work for in England?

Why, it was Lady Blythe-Coffin.

Undoubtedly you've heard

of her ladyship, sir?

-How long were you on the job?

-About two years, I think. Wasn't it, dear?

-lt seemed as long as that, dear.

-Then why did you leave?

Well, I think I'd better let

my husband tell you that.

Well, you see, certain events occurred

which made me feel that the place

was not quite suitable

for a young person like my wife.

Oh, I see, Lord Blythe-Coffin, eh?

Oh, no, it wasn't Lord Blythe-Coffin,

it was Lady Blythe-Coffin. She drank.

Well, you don't object to drinking, do you?

Oh, no, no, sir, not at all,

but, you see, when Lady Blythe-Coffin

was under the influence

her behavior was simply shocking, sir.

For example, she'd receive her guests

by sliding down the banister.

You wouldn't do that, would you, sir?

Nobody'd ever catch me

sliding down the banisters.

-Exactly.

-That's enough of that.

-What is your name?

-Joan.

That's a nice name.

-That's good enough, but yours?

-James, sir.

James. You know, I always wanted a butler

with the name of James!

That makes everything ducky.

Come on, I'll show you your rooms.

They're over the garage.

-Thank you.

-Thank you, sir.

Place to put your clothes, bathroom,

porch on the outside.

Is that the only bed?

What's the matter with it?

It's very comfortable.

Soft, springy, why, you even got the same

mattress as we got in the main house.

Here, Jamesie, you try it.

But, well, I thought the advertisement

said servants' quarters, Mr. Flash.

-What?

-Quarters, quarters.

Well, these are them.

What's wrong with them?

You get Thursdays

and every other Sunday off.

We ain't eating in tonight,

so you don't got to make dinner.

I hope you last longer than the others.

Well, it's not bad at all.

We ought to be very happy here, dear.

-Cozy and comfortable.

-You think so?

No, seriously, Joan,

it was a nice idea while it lasted.

-You're all ready to give up, aren't you?

-No, no, not at all.

The arrangement suits me all right.

-Here you are. Come on, give me a hand.

-What do you wanna do?

Put this out on the porch.

It'll make a swell bed.

Come on, come on, don't sit there gaping.

We'll alternate nights on the porch.

I know.

Yours when it's clear, mine when it rains.

Better yet, we'll flip a coin

and see which one gets the room.

-And which one gets pneumonia.

-It's better than a park bench.

Tell you what, heads you get the room,

tails I get it. All right?

All right.

-Heads, you get the room.

-Good.

You know,

I think this is going to be all right.

It's almost better than Lady Blythe-Coffin's,

isn't it?

Tell me, how did you ever come

to think of her?

I had to. I had to do something

to get a roof over our heads.

Joan, you are the most eloquent liar

I've ever met.

-Thank you.

-You're welcome.

-ls your name really James?

-Jim to you.

-Jim Burns.

-Well, that makes me Mrs. Burns, doesn't it?

You know, this is like the view from

the porch of the Westmore Country Club.

What do you know

about the Westmore Country Club?

Oh, I used to hang around there.

I see. The same season

I had the box at the Metropolitan, huh?

All right, you don't believe me.

I was the clerk there for a while.

Well, that's a pretty good job.

-Why did you leave?

-Oh, I don't know.

I didn't like some of the stuffed shirts

that hung around.

Besides, the hours were too long.

Well, they'll be longer here and you'll like it.

Why don't you stop picking on me

and tell me something about yourself?

Oh, there isn't much to tell,

except a lot of hard luck.

-Where did you learn to cook?

-I kept house for Dad.

That was at Hanover.

He was a college professor.

Then I came to New York

to look for a job after he died.

I see.

And it's been pretty tough sledding, has it?

I think cooking was the only thing

I didn't think of.

It was your idea.

The first good break I've had in months.

I think you've brought me luck.

Well, that's fine.

-Oh, I'm awfully tired. Let's turn in, huh?

-Right.

-Well, good night.

-Good night.

Oh, you won't have to lock the door.

-No?

-No.

-Thanks. Good night.

-Good night.

-Why, good evening, sir.

-Good evening.

-How are you, Jennings?

-Quite well, sir.

-Did you forget your key, sir?

-No.

-And your hat, sir?

-No, I've got my key.

-l... Well, I mislaid my hat.

-Yes, sir.

I was worried about you, sir.

Mr. and Mrs. Hobart were here for dinner

and when you failed to appear...

-Look, get me a coat and hat, will you?

-Yes, sir.

-Leaving, sir?

-No, l...

I'm going to make another entrance

and I want to observe carefully

exactly what you do.

-I did something to displease you, sir?

-Oh, no, no, no, you were perfect.

-Good evening, sir.

-Good evening, Jennings. What's new?

Not much, sir.

Though I was worried about you, sir.

Mr. and Mrs. Hobart were here for dinner.

And when you failed to appear...

Now let's see how I do it.

-You take the hat and coat.

-Me, sir?

You're being me and I'm being you.

As you say, sir.

I must learn to be a perfect butler

in one lesson.

I want you to watch me carefully,

I don't want to do anything wrong.

-Oh, now I see, sir. A masquerade, sir?

-Yes, masquerade.

-Good evening, sir.

-Good evening, Jennings.

-Anything new?

-I was worried about you, sir.

Mr. and Mrs. Hobart were here for dinner,

but when you failed to appear...

How am I doing?

If I may say so, sir, a little clumsy, sir.

The outstanding characteristic

of a butler is unobtrusiveness

and your presence, sir, was very apparent

when you relieved me of the right sleeve.

But there are butlers in service

who do worse than you, sir.

-That's all I want to know.

-Yes, sir.

Any more tips on what

the well-mannered butler should do?

Well, sir, it's mostly a matter

of exercising good judgment,

except no matter what you think,

you never say it.

Oh, that's important.

You never say what you think,

but you do think what you say.

Well put, sir.

Then, too, sir, you must know your man.

You must know the master

of the house like a book.

Most times, sir, you'll find it

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