If You Could Only Cook Page #3

a very uninteresting and uninspiring book,

but it's all part of the job, sir.

Even though your instincts,

your background,

your impulses are finer,

you must always make him think he is right.

Absolutely right, sir.

You must give him the impression

you are hanging

on every word he says,

even though it is dribble, sir.

-Oh, is that what you do?

-Why, yes, sir.

-No, sir.

-It's all right, Jennings.

Don't worry. It's all off the record.

Would you like to have your messages, sir?

There have been a number of inquiries,

telephone.

Tell them all I've gone fishing.

-Your secretary has been calling, sir.

-Fishing.

-Miss Fletcher is constantly enquiring, sir.

-Fishing.

-Fishing where, sir?

-You don't know.

It's miles away from here. Another world.

I'm fishing for something I've been missing.

Fishing for a certain sort of happiness.

-Yes, sir.

-But don't tell them that.

-Just say I've gone fishing for fish.

-Fishing for fish. Yes, sir.

And pack a few of my things,

will you, Jennings?

-Just what I shall need for buttling.

-Yes, sir.

-And a whiskey and soda.

-Yes, sir.

Mr. Buchanan's residence.

Oh, yes. Miss Fletcher.

Fishing.

I just heard from him, miss. He's fishing.

Yes, miss, fishing for fish.

Of all the insane things.

With the wedding a week away, he's fishing.

-Fishing?

-Fishing.

As long as I've known Jim Buchanan,

he's never been the slightest bit

interested in fish.

Why, he doesn't know a swordfish

from a trout.

Oh, I wish the wedding were over.

This sudden fishing trip.

There's something funny about it.

When Jim gets a crazy notion into his head,

there's no telling what he might do.

He's got me worried.

I don't know what you're worrying about.

As long as he's not worrying about you

and asking a lot of questions,

Iet him fish.

Jennings, frankly,

do you think I'm out of my mind?

I'm hoping for the best, sir.

Jim.

Jim.

Jim, it's time to get up.

-Where have you been?

-Right here all the time.

You weren't here a minute ago.

-Are you certain?

-Certain.

I thought you'd walked out on me.

Walked out on you?

My dear, Joan, you're talking to Jim Burns,

of the true-blue Burnses.

Well, look, please don't let this happen

again unless you give me warning.

Fair enough. Sorry.

Oh, Joan, I went to town to get my bag.

None of your clothes would fit me.

Look, here are a couple of uniforms for you.

Where'd you get them?

From the Customs' Office.

They found our luggage.

These are waffles.

That's what Mr. Rossini said.

If this is a sample of your cooking,

I think we ought to ask for a raise.

If this is a sample of your appetite,

we'll be lucky if we keep the job.

How about giving me a hand

with these dishes?

-All right, boss.

-Here.

Thank you.

I worked my way through college doing this.

Next you'll be telling me you went to Yale.

Smile when you say that. It was Harvard.

From Harvard to dishwashing.

You probably went through Harvard

on a rubberneck bus.

Is that so?

I've got an engineer's degree.

Yes, and what has it gotten you?

I tinker about with automobiles.

You should see my automotive designs.

You and Mr. Chrysler and James Buchanan.

And who?

Buchanan. Don't tell me

you've never heard of him?

I've heard of him.

He didn't have any better start than you.

But he made something of himself.

What do you know

about this Buchanan fellow?

-I know him well.

-You know James Buchanan well?

You think you're the only man I've ever met.

How did you come to meet Buchanan?

-You'd be surprised.

-I would.

Tell me, how was it

you ever let him get engaged to this girl?

Well, that was a mistake,

because he's just my type.

Your type?

I always heard he was fat and 40

with a wart on his nose.

Well, there's nothing the matter

with his millions.

Is money the only thing

that really matters to you?

Not everything. But it does help.

Just how much would you be satisfied with?

Enough to pay the butcher and the baker

and keep love from flying out the window.

That's how much?

Well, I'd settle for $5 million.

Would you take $1 million

if the right man came with it?

I'll tell you what I'll do.

-Make it two and I'll take a chance.

-No, no. One million's all you can have.

Go on, give her the $2 million.

What can you lose?

And after you do that, big shot,

the boss wants you to bring out the car.

That's cooking sherry.

I know, but it'll have to do.

I've got to get up nerve

to receive the guests.

Just who's coming? Do you know?

Four extra. That's all he told me.

Will you come in, sir?

May I take your hat, sir?

What name shall I say, sir?

Very good, sir.

-What are you doing?

-Rehearsing, madam.

There's the front door.

Wish me luck.

Flip over the lid.

Well, boys, we've got a lot to talk about.

How about it?

-Go ahead.

-Deal it right out.

Well, I told Flash, I told Flash that

if I'm gonna do a big job,

I want to surround myself with the creams.

That's why you're here.

Well, some of them ain't exactly pasteurized,

but it's the best I could do in a pinch.

You see, what I've got on my mind is that...

You see, boys, it's this way.

Since they put the can on the prohibition,

I've been sitting around doing nothing.

In the old days,

there wasn't a bootlegger in my class,

even if I do say it myself.

But this laying off is killing me.

I got to get going again.

I got a craving for excitement.

So I say to myself, well...

I gather that Mr. Rossini

is not one of our best people.

Why? What have you heard?

Do you know, today has been the

coldest day since the 10th of June, 1895?

So you won't talk?

I'll say this much.

I think we ought to get out of here.

And go back to a park bench?

You're a sissy.

What do you want us to do?

Embark on a life of crime?

Look, all we have to do is say nothing,

see nothing and hear nothing,

until we find another job.

That is, of course,

unless you die of fright in the meantime.

And there's just one thing

that's got to be clear.

Mike Rossini is in the driver's seat

and you guys just giddyup

when I crack the whip.

And if there is anybody here

who don't understand,

now is the time to get your hat.

Is this lobster thermidor

or is that lobster thermidor?

I don't know. Is it?

Where is that guy? James. James.

I'm sorry, sir, James is putting the car away.

That's all right.

All we wanted was two whiskeys and a soda.

I'll get them for you, sir.

I wonder why a dame like that

falls for a butler?

The lucky stiff.

You know, I don't think

I'm going to like that guy.

For my money, I wouldn't have

either one of them around the joint.

If you ask me,

I don't think they're really servants.

Did you notice her hands?

Her hands? Sure. They're very pretty.

Too pretty for dishwater and brooms.

If she's ever done housework before,

I'm an embroidery designer.

-Shall I mix them for you, sir?

-Please.

Whoa.

No wonder that Lady What's-her-name

slid down the banisters.

Thanks.

-Will that be all, sir?

-That's all, thanks.

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