If You Could Only Cook Page #4

If she was your wife,

would you sleep on the porch?

No, why?

Our James sleeps on the porch.

The whole thing ain't kosher.

Something is wrong.

-How do you know all about this?

-I was snooping around.

I'm surprised.

I'm ashamed you'd do a thing like that.

If that's the kind of a life they want to live,

that's their business,

and I don't want no more snooping.

-Did you ring, sir?

-Yes, Joan.

Sit down. Go on, sit down.

You know, I can't tell you

how satisfied I am with your services here.

-Thank you.

-You're a good cook, excellent cook.

-And believe me, from me, that is something.

-Yes, sir.

That lobster thermidor you made last night

was beautiful.

And to show you I appreciate the real talent,

I got a little present for you.

-Look at this.

-Mr. Rossini.

-You like that?

-Of course I like it.

-It's beautiful, but I couldn't accept it.

-Why not?

Well, I'm afraid

you don't know my husband, sir.

Well, if he can't afford something like this,

then why should he deprive you of it?

-You two are happy?

-Yes, sir.

But he sleeps on the porch.

Well, that's what he likes, sir.

That's a crazy idea.

-I've a roast in the oven and...

-You got a roast in the oven?

-Yes, and if you'll excuse me, I think l...

-But the roast can wait a minute?

You know, I think you're a silly little girl

not to take me up on this.

No strings, I promise. Now go try it on.

What's the use?

Well, this is made for a pretty girl like you

and I'm dying to see it on you.

Come on. Put it on over your uniform.

Well, I guess there's no harm in that.

It's really lovely.

Yes. But no more than you.

Mr. Rossini.

-I'm not hard to take, l...

-Stop, please.

I beg pardon, sir.

I was just trying to persuade your wife

to accept this little present.

I like her cooking

and I want to show her my appreciation.

So I noticed, sir.

But you're not going to appreciate

any more of my wife's cooking,

-'cause we're leaving at once.

-But, James, you don't understand.

-Does he, Joan?

-I understand plenty.

Come on,

before I knock this fellow on the nose.

Well, I'm all packed. How about you?

Will you please sit down and discuss this

like a sensible human being?

No, I will not. We're leaving.

And that's all there is to it.

He's lucky he didn't get a punch in the nose,

the oily so-and-so.

Get packed. Come on.

And lose a perfectly swell job?

Where's your self-respect?

Look, I've been trying to tell you,

there's nothing vicious about Rossini.

I know a little something about myself

and he's as harmless as a kitten.

You mean you liked it?

Why didn't you say so?

You act as though I rushed into his arms.

Well, how do I know? Maybe you did.

Well, I didn't and I didn't like it.

You weren't doing very much about it

when I saw you.

I couldn't bite him, could l?

No. Women never do at times like that.

They're too busy feeling

pleased and flattered.

And in conclusion, let me tell you this.

You may feel that you wish to ignore

an insult hurled into your teeth,

but I'm not going on working for a man

who spends his time figuring out ways

to paw my wife behind my back.

Your wife?

And he took her by the arms

and he walked right out with her.

All I make out of it is

you made a sap of yourself.

But she must not quit.

I will get in my cage and behave myself

if she will only keep on cooking for me.

-And if she won't?

-Well, we'll never get another cook as good.

You mean we've got to go through

all those garlic tests again?

-Yes.

-Listen, chief, anything but that.

I'll sell them this job if I have to give them

your apologies and double salary.

Flash, you're a pal.

And triple it if you have to.

You know, at double the salary I find

I can polish a shoe three times as fast.

How about you?

I'll need double the salary.

Here's my big bankroll leaving me flat.

Only three more days before the marriage.

-What marriage?

-James Buchanan.

Oh, well, a girl has to bear up.

Just gave you the air?

No, not exactly. He was pretty fond of me,

even though he wasn't downright serious.

Funny he gave you up

without even a struggle.

Don't you believe it. He struggled plenty.

Poor James,

he just couldn't make up his mind.

I'll never forget how he came to me

after he was engaged and said,

"Joan, dear, I can't give you up for her."

I settled it for him.

You did?

I showed him how

he and I could never hit it off together.

Evelyn was his kind. I wasn't.

Anyway, it was too late.

No gentleman would practically

leave his bride waiting at the church.

Just wasn't supposed to be, that's all.

It's my luck to catch somebody like you.

Well, I hope it won't be as bad as that.

Well, drop the other one

and get it over with.

Hello.

Nice time to be coming home.

How time flies.

Go ahead. Why don't you tell me

you've been out on the porch all this time?

No, I never use the same line twice.

You know you can't get away with it.

Really, I don't know why

you bother to come home at all.

Why don't you just stay out all night?

Because I was all through.

Well, that's being frank enough.

Just how long do you think

I'm going to put up with this sort of thing?

-Well, why don't you say something?

-l...

-No intention of explaining yourself.

-I can.

Do you think I'd believe you?

Where have you been?

To town to get these.

Would you like to see them?

Don't bother. You've made it plain enough

that it's none of my business.

Pussyfooting around with

whatever it is at this hour of the morning.

What kind of a fool

do you think that makes out of me?

Do you think I want Flash

or anybody feeling sorry for me?

There's a fine type of man

to be worrying about.

For all you know, he's a good, decent,

clean-living man outside of his profession.

Wouldn't dream of treating his wife this way.

When were we married?

But really, Jim,

we've got to keep up appearances.

I appreciate that.

Now, if you just tell me

when you want to do these sort of things,

why, then I wouldn't worry, you see?

You mean worry about appearances, or me?

It's too early in the morning to be playful.

You have a couple of hours to sleep

and I hope it's good and cold out there.

Thank you so very much.

Jim?

What's in that package?

These? They're just a few portraits

of some women I've known

I got lonesome for, you know?

-Let me see them.

-I don't know that I'd care to do that.

-lt'd seem like bragging.

-Come on, come on.

Well...

This is one of my greatest flames.

But isn't that beautiful.

Whose are they?

Well, mine.

Those are the designs I told you about.

Yours?

I like the expression. Very nice compliment.

-lt makes my trip to town so worthwhile.

-My goodness.

What do you expect me to do?

Springing something like this on me.

Why, they're perfectly gorgeous.

Hey, Mike, wake up, wake up.

Come on, wake up.

Come on, pal, collect yourself. I got news.

Come on, wake up.

Come on.

Come on, get up.

-Hey, what's the matter?

-Plenty's the matter.

-Well, what happened?

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