If You Could Only Cook Page #5

-Did I ever go to sleep on a job?

That's a crazy question

at this time of the morning.

Well, get a load of this.

The Mauretania was junked two months ago.

Mauretania? I don't even know the guy.

-It's a boat.

-Whose boat?

How do I know?

Well, get out of here, get out of here.

Go on, get out.

Listen to this.

If them two was on the Mauretania...

-What two?

-The cook and the butler.

Listen, if them two was on the Mauretania

like they said,

then they're still in England. Get it?

Well, so what?

They lied because they needed the job.

Now listen, Flash, that girl can cook.

Now once and for all, you've got to quit

snooping around those two.

It's too late. I did my snooping.

Get this. It's the middle of the night.

He climbs down the porch, he sneaks out.

I follow him.

-And where do you think he winds up?

-Don't ask me riddles.

The Buchanan Building.

As cool as a cucumber,

he walks into the company's office

with a skeleton key. I'm still following

right behind him, old faithful.

Then what do you think he does?

He turns on the lights.

-Can you top that?

-He must be crazy.

Crazy as a fox.

Then he walks right to the safe.

You should've seen him.

Without that much hesitation,

with a twist this way and a twist that,

he's got it as open as a baby's face.

Why, he makes guys like Al

look like amateurs.

Then he helps himself to some papers

and breezes out of the joint

as if he owned it.

Tell me, is that a butler

or is that a wise guy?

He's a very smart guy

and he's using this job to cover up.

Well, I hate to say, "l told you so."

Say, Flash, I got an idea.

You better snoop around

and watch that fellow.

Mr. Burns, will you help me to decide

which car to take?

With pleasure, madam.

There's the sedan now. A car for all uses.

Indispensable to the active woman.

I would suggest it in an opalescent yellow

to match the indescribably

beautiful gold of your hair.

My, my, I just must have the sedan.

And the limousine in deepest black

to set you off as the beauty you really are.

I can't resist the limousine.

And above all, the sports roadster

to carry you along over the open road

on a sparkling day with your hair

streaming back from your adorable brow.

I'll take all three and the salesman, too,

if he'll only come down to Earth.

Madam, we aim to please.

Jim, I just can't get over them.

I won't believe they can't be sold.

-Have you really tried to sell them?

-I certainly have.

-The big shots wouldn't see me.

-I don't understand it.

You know, Jim, I have an idea that someday

we'll see these cars all over New York.

What a day that'll be for you.

I don't know.

I couldn't be any happier

than I am now, Joan.

Well, tomorrow morning arrived just in time.

Our day off and this is the day

we spend together as planned.

Yes, Jim.

I'm so sorry,

I won't be able to make it after all.

Why not?

Well, something came up

that I just must attend to.

Come on now. I've been counting on this.

I've a lot to talk about.

Well, you'll have to do it in an hour.

I'll meet you for lunch.

There's a little restaurant on 43rd Street,

the Spic and Span.

12:
00, and see that you're prompt.

-ls that the best you can do?

-The best.

Now you go get some sleep

and I'll serve breakfast to Rossini.

Right.

Why, Mr. Buchanan,

it's good to see you back.

I'm not back.

-ls Bob Howard here?

-Yes, sir.

I want to see him in my office at once.

He's not to tell anyone I'm here.

-I'm still fishing.

-Yes, sir.

You're the first one to see these designs,

Mr. Balderson.

I put the Atlas Company

at the head of my list.

Now, if you accept them, the Atlas Company

will create a new style in automobiles.

Jim, that's my husband,

is just full of original ideas like these.

I thought that if you're interested

you might like to have him come in

and talk to you.

If you don't mind my criticizing,

Mr. Balderson,

the Atlas car has been the same

year after year.

Now, if you came out with an entirely

new series, it would stimulate sales.

I knew you'd like them.

What's this chap's name? This designer?

Jim Burns. See? There's his initials, there.

Jim Burns?

Do you mind sitting here for a while?

I'll be back shortly.

Well, I have a luncheon engagement

at 12:
00,

but if you want to show them to someone,

I'd be glad to leave them here.

No, no. You sit right there.

All right, Frank. I'll send them over to you

the first thing in the morning.

Do you think you'd know

a James Buchanan design if you saw one?

Who wouldn't?

He's got a style you can't mistake.

Take a look at these.

Yes. That's Buchanan's touch, all right.

He's even initialed them.

Get me James Buchanan.

I knew those were Buchanan's

the minute I laid eyes on them.

-I don't understand.

-Neither do l.

I've seen some brazen confidence men,

but that girl in there is...

Yes, Mr. Buchanan's secretary?

Well, there's someone here offering me

some automobile designs

that I think belong to Mr. Buchanan.

-Do you know anything about them?

-Why, yes, Mr. Balderson.

We've been turning the office upside down

looking for them.

They've been missing from the safe.

I thought it was something like that.

I'll get the designs back to you right away,

and I think the best thing to do

with the young lady

is to turn her over to the police. Goodbye.

You must be crazy, Jim.

You can't go off on a park bench

and get hooked up

with some dame and then...

She's no dame.

All right, all right,

she's a diamond in the rough,

but it's impossible.

No, it's my marriage to Evelyn

that's impossible.

You've made up your mind to that,

have you?

Definitely.

Well, now that's nice, but wait

till you see tomorrow's newspapers.

"Auto Magnate Jilts Society Bride

on Eve of Wedding.

"Gives Socialite the Air for Kitchen Slavey."

Had his stomach

where his heart should have been.

-You're a great help.

-And what about this?

"Buchanan Motor Stock

Dumped on the Market.

"President Rumored lnsane."

Don't you worry, Jim.

You're young, you can start all over again

and if things get too bad,

you can buttle now.

Will you stop it?

Well, then for heaven's sakes, Jim,

come to your senses.

I really must be going now, Mr. Balderson,

to keep my...

Yeah, you're going with me, sister.

You've got a little explaining to do

about those automobile designs

down at police headquarters.

You're a policeman?

Come on.

Let me go. What do you mean?

Now, Mrs. Burns, please don't make a scene.

-But, Mr. Balderson, l...

-Save your breath.

If you must talk, tell me where

I can find that husband of yours.

-My husband?

-Yeah. I want him, too.

You mean the police are looking for Jim?

Yeah. Where is he?

I don't know. I haven't any husband.

Really, I'm not married. I was just lying. I...

Come on.

Of course you realize

the seriousness of this offense.

The sketches were stolen from the safe

of the Buchanan Company.

-But I didn't take them, I tell you.

-Who did?

-I don't know.

-You know where you got them, don't you?

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