If You Could Only Cook Page #6

Well, I won't tell. I can't.

Didn't you tell Mr. Balderson

your husband gave them to you?

-I haven't any husband.

-We won't quibble about it.

-Maybe it was your boyfriend.

-Look, nobody took them.

I found them and I thought that

if I could sell them and get some money,

it might be a good idea.

Well, where did you find them?

Won't you please believe me?

I've told you my story.

We want the truth and we're going to get it.

Lock her up, Bill.

Joan.

Joan.

I've been looking all over town for you.

Say, on the cook's night out

you'll always find me at this,

the best place in town to get roast beef.

Come on, have some.

No, thanks.

I hate to disturb your digestion,

but I got to tell you this.

-What?

-Your cook is in the jug.

Where?

J-A-l-L. Jug.

I had one of the boys tagging her.

She was pinched

at the Atlas Motor Company.

Pinched? What for? What did she do?

Maybe the inspector didn't appreciate

her sauce flourney,

and to make that roast beef

even more indigestible,

friend-husband took a runout powder on her

and left her this little poetic sprig.

The dirty rat. He pulled a fast one on her.

And left her holding the bag. Poor kid.

-Well, shall I put an ad in for another cook?

-No.

You get Hopkins on the phone

and he'll bail her out right away.

Now, come on. Come on, get it going.

Get it going, get it going.

Quick. Come on, hurry up. Go on. Hurry up.

I wish I could tell you

how much I appreciate this, Mr. Rossini.

I ain't started yet.

When it comes to the trial,

you won't have nothing to worry about.

The finest lawyers

in the country behind you.

But I haven't done anything.

Really, I haven't.

I'm terribly worried about Jim.

Don't worry about that guy.

He can take care of himself.

Show her that letter, Mike.

There, there,

everything is going to be all right.

Now he's not worth worrying about.

Didn't you know about his racket

when you married him?

I never married him.

Well, how a nice girl like you happen to

get hooked up with a mug like that?

He isn't a mug.

Well, how he happen to

sell you that bill of goods?

How you happen to fall for him?

The Depression.

Depression?

I've heard a lot of things

blamed on the Depression.

-This omelet is burned.

-I'm sorry, sir.

That's all right. I understand.

Come sit down. I want to talk to you.

You know, no girl's got a reason

to go around moping, eating out her heart.

No man's worth that.

Even if it isn't James, there's plenty of fish

in the sea and better fish.

It's very nice of you to console me, sir.

Console you? Nobody's dead.

Just think of the whole thing

as a good riddance.

Only be careful don't make another mistake.

Put your bet on a good horse next time.

Next time.

You know, I had a hunch

you wasn't married,

that's why I made a play for you.

And I still think you're pretty swell.

You make it very difficult for me to stay, sir,

unless you treat me like a cook.

But I don't want to treat you like no cook.

I want to treat you like you was a...

Well, like you was Mrs. Rossini.

Yes, I'm re-proposing to you.

When I make up my mind, I make it up fast.

You really don't mean that, Mr. Rossini.

I'm afraid your stomach's gotten

the better of your heart.

No, sir.

You just say the word

and you can have anything in the world.

Townhouse, country house, cars, yachts.

I'll even turn my whole life around.

I'll quit the rackets and start clean.

And that's more than James did for you.

I'm sorry.

When I make up my mind,

I don't make it up so fast.

Mike. Mike, take a gander at this.

"James Buchanan to Marry Evelyn Fletcher

at High Noon Today." So what?

Take a look at the picture.

-Why, that's James.

-That's Buchanan.

But then why should a guy like that

pass himself off to me as a butler?

Because he's nuts.

Or maybe he wants to be near that tomato.

You know, some guys do very funny things

when there's a lady in the case.

And all the time

he was fooling around with her,

he was going to marry this pain in the neck?

You know, a guy like that

ought to be rubbed out.

Rubbed out.

-Flash, you're going to a wedding.

-I'm going to a wedding?

-Whose wedding?

-Buchanan's.

And what do I do? Give away the bride?

Yeah, but this wedding's

not going to happen.

Buchanan's going to meet

with a very serious accident.

That's carrying things pretty far.

-Yeah, but he deserves it.

-But she's only your cook.

I'm going to marry her, Flash.

And what I'm asking you to do is

-just a part of the wedding present.

-Well, that sort of changes things.

And you ain't got much time.

Better pick up some of the boys.

-Would you care for some hot coffee, sir?

-No, thanks, Joan.

Wait a minute, Joan.

What would you say if I told you that

James' real name was Buchanan?

James Buchanan.

-James Buchanan?

-Here.

It is Jim.

James Buchanan.

What a monkey he made out of me.

Why, he must have been laughing at me

all the time.

Getting a great kick out of kidding me along.

Bet he's telling his friends

about me right now.

Thinks it's a swell joke.

That's his rotten idea of a joke.

And I was sap enough to fall for him.

Sweating down at the inspector's office.

Going through a third degree

to save him from jail.

Save him from jail

for stealing his own designs.

I'd like to get my hands on him.

I bet he'd laugh

out of the other side of his face.

I hate him. I wish I'd never known him.

There ought to be a law

against parks and benches.

There ought to be a law against him.

He ain't gonna worry you no more.

You just leave it to me.

I'd like to see you

wipe up the floor with him.

That's just the way I feel about it.

I'm way ahead of you.

He ain't going to blow hot and cold

with a sweet kid like you

and get away with it.

But he is getting away with it and how.

Didn't I tell you to leave it to me?

I'm going the limit for you, Joan,

and no matter what I do,

it's better than the skunk deserves.

I got it all fixed.

There's going to be no wedding

and no Buchanans.

No Buchanan?

You... You don't mean

you're going to kill him?

Flash is giving my order to the boys

right now,

and once he gives an order

it's as good as done.

So Buchanan is off your mind. Forget him!

-But this is horrible.

-Well, those things are never nice.

Mr. Rossini, you've got to stop Flash.

You've got to stop him fast.

What's the idea?

Didn't you just say

you'd leave Buchanan to me?

I didn't know what I was talking about.

If anything happened to Jim, I'd die.

Don't you see

what I was saying was only words?

I don't care what he's done, I love him.

Well, you can't let this happen.

Now look, this is my affair

and you keep out of it.

Only get Flash and stop him

before anything happens, please.

He can marry her. I don't care, really.

-Please!

-All right. I'll fix it.

Thanks. You're very sweet.

Keep the change.

Stick 'em up. Stick 'em up. Come on.

All right, you monkeys, stick 'em up.

Come on, get 'em up. Get 'em up.

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