Igby Goes Down Page #2

...a half a grapefruit and...

- Mimi.

Let's...

Let's get off the maid.

Help!

Super Cadet

has got this big smile on his face,

No one takes him seriously,

No one knows

that he's been expelled that morning.

They scream...

..."jump," and surprise...

...he does a swan dive onto the pavement.

You can still see the stain in the pavement

where his head popped open.

Every morning, I used that blotch to know

where to line up for breakfast formation.

Do you contemplate suicide?

Constantly.

You totally missed the point of my story.

- Have I?

- Completely.

It's about the hypocrisy of the place,

which I couldn't tolerate.

You let me do my job, and you do yours.

I'm trying to f***ing help you.

- You think I need help?

- Apparently.

You think that I don't know

how to do my job?

No offense, but how good could you be,

working at this place?

You know, I can only be as effective

as you allow me to be.

Just tried to help you with my story.

How did you feel about what the boy did?

I feel like he should've really reconsidered

his f***ing options, don't you?

- What are your options?

- I don't know yet.

Who were you trying to hurt with the pills?

Nobody. I was improvising as I went.

I actually didn't give it a lot of thought.

I think that you are much more aware

than even you realize.

Yeah? Well, you're an idiot, so...

What the f*** are you doing?

I don't like being called an idiot.

You prick! You can't f***ing hit me!

Next fall, you'll be starting

at yet another school.

Are you gonna try to make an effort

this time around?

I'm considering my options.

Am I to understand you have four separate

doctors, all writing you prescriptions?

It's a point of convenience.

With no knowledge

of what the others are prescribing!

My dear man, I assure you,

I need my peppies.

Perhaps if you cut down on the Valium

and the sleeping pills...

...you'd have more energy.

- Without them I get very tense.

You get tense

because you pop speed like candy.

- Bad Mrs. Slocumb.

- I beg your pardon.

Patients actually tolerate

this cheeky-little-sh*t routine of yours?

Find it cute, do they?

- Mrs. Slocumb...

- Out!

- I'm not well.

- You mean literally?

Yes, literally. They've run tests.

This doesn't seem so bad.

As nice a place as any to spend the spring.

Round out your rough edges.

This'll do for ya.

I still want you

to come and work for me this summer.

Stay with Bunny and me

at the summer house. What do you think?

Now, listen, the reason that Mimi...

...your mother, hasn't been able to...

...visit you... I'm sure she wanted to.

She went to the...

...hospital for a bit of a rest,

and they discovered something else.

Something rather bad.

She's getting treatment for it. Everybody's

damn confident she'll be fine, but...

You know what mastectomy is?

Your house...

It's on the beach, right?

Contract,

It's a contract, See,

families should be run like companies,,,

,,, with everybody's responsibilities

clearly defined,

Children, at the age of reason,,,

,,, should be provided with legal

representation and a contract drawn up,

All the best relationships

are based on contracts.

Bunny and I have a contract.

Now that you're gonna come

and work for me...

...we're gonna have one.

And that piece of paper is your clean slate.

You know, you could just

take a later shuttle back to DC.

I'm past the worst of it, I think.

I'm meeting that dean

from St. Anthony's, McKaye...

...in the morning,

to beg him to admit your brother this fall.

A mother's work is never done.

- D.H. is collecting lgby today?

- Yeah.

He's picking him up from "the camp."

What a great investment

that has proven to be.

Getting to hear, for two months,

on a weekly basis...

...just how much my son hates me.

That's always been

one of his favorite topics of conversation.

His creation was an act of animosity.

Why shouldn't his life be one?

Listen, Ollie, this summer, lgby's going to

bunk with you at Columbia during the week.

You both can go to the Hamptons

on the weekends.

Of course.

I'll baby-sit lgby all summer long.

You know, you have been

a very bad older brother.

And yet you're the one he hates.

Basically, it's like reverse Darwinism,

A situation in which

a less evolved species...

...is better equipped to survive

than a more evolved creature.

Which, if you think about it,

isn't really reverse Darwinism, so much as...

...bigger-picture Darwinism, if you will.

What?

- Tommy?

- Yeah.

What's happening?

Did you hear that? We were out there for...

- What are you doing?

- Nothing.

Did you hear the locks? It needs oil...

...or something.

- I'll fix that.

Look at this guy. Look at this strapping

young working hunk of manhood.

That's my godson, lgby.

Ever hear that name, "lgby"?

It's funny. You met his brother

at the office the other day.

How you doin'?

Good.

How you doin'?

You're doin' "well."

How's the work comin' along there, stud?

- Well?

- Do we need this wall?

Three thousand square feet over!

You got the new plumbing.

What do you call, risers, so we have very...

We've got 27 windows.

What are you doing, you little reptile?

Look at this.

Hi, honey!

It's not that cold out here.

No.

Who are you?

Sookie.

- Sookie?

- Sookie Sapperstein.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Are you somebody's daughter?

I'm somebody's daughter.

I mean somebody here at this party.

No.

Then why are you here?

I'm with the catering company.

The woman hired us for the party.

Why do you think I'm dressed

like a figure skater?

Bunny hired you.

She's my godmother.

Actually, she's not.

Her husband, D.H. Banes...

...he's my godfather.

Are those cloves?

Outstanding! Can I bum one?

No.

Got a light?

And a cigarette?

Rachel, I see you've met the boys.

We've already met.

Bunny, Rachel is the choreographer

I was telling you about...

...who's renting that commercial space

from us down in SoHo, using it as a studio.

- Remember?

- How wonderful.

Boys...

It's so wonderful you could come and stay.

- Igby, I could just eat you with a spoon.

- Don't.

- Now, when did you get out of camp?

- Two months ago.

I've been working for D.H. all summer.

That's why I'm here every weekend.

My wife is the philanthropist of the family.

Especially fond of dance, aren't you dear?

D.H., look. Pull around.

Here we go.

- We have guests behind us.

- The guests. I see.

Are you two in school or something?

I'm at Columbia,

and as far as this year's challenge for lgby...

...we're still waiting to hear back

from this fun parochial school in DC.

- "Perchance to dream."

- He's done the Protestant circuit.

Mom must have some photos of the

head priest with an altar boy for them...

...to even be considering lgby.

- We're all at a bit of a loss as to...

- Whenever I'm at a loss, I dip into Rilke.

Rilke? That tortures me.

Every Christmas, some a**hole

gives me this copy of Young Poet...

...with this patronizing note on the flap

about how it's supposed to change my life.

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