Igby Goes Down Page #6

- What?

We gotta go. I know we said the summer,

but we gotta go now.

There's something that I have to tell you.

Ollie. I know.

- How soon can you be ready?

- I can't go with you.

Things have changed.

They haven't.

You're my friend!

That hasn't changed, right?

That hasn't changed. But...

Ollie and I are...

We're the same age, and...

Calm down!

This is perfect! This is f***ing perfect!

Sookie Sapperstein

and the Young Republican.

- Of course. How natural!

- Shut up!

You think you're what he wants?

You think that you fit the picture

of how he wants his life to look?

You think that he would bring you

back to our mother as a potential wife?

Our mother?

She'd be nice to your face,

but the first opportunity...

...she'd pull him aside and warn him off.

"Mongrel children have such

a hard time fitting in, dearest!"

Shut up!

He will lie to you!

He will use you up and marry some inbred...

...Darien Frau who will beget him

all the towheaded brats he can afford.

Go away!

They are rigid and they are cold!

And you don't know

they are cold to the f***in' bone!

I'm not going with you.

I'm scared.

You're just a glutton for f***in' punishment,

aren't you, lgs?

Russel!

I need a job!

Hello?

Lisa Fiedler's?

I know a girl from Baltimore.

So what?

I know a girl from Baltimore.

What are you talking about?

I know a girl from Baltimore!

So do I!

Lisa, there's some guy here for you,

but he keeps talking...

- Who is it?

- I don't know,

He's saying something about Baltimore?

- The drugs!

- The drugs!

It's me. I'm at Fiedler's house.

She wants to know

if she can pay with a personal check.

- You have no cash?

- No.

I might have enough

in travelers' checks and francs.

Her roommate

may have enough in travelers' checks.

And francs!

Okay.

You'll owe us.

Why don't you make yourself comfortable,

guy? I'll be right back.

Miss Piggee?

Yes?

It's lgby.

Ollie Slocumb's younger brother...

Of course!

How is Ollie? Columbia, right?

Right.

We're all hoping

that once he's healed from the accident...

...that he'll be able to...

...lead a fairly normal life

and be able to go back to a...

Oh, no!

What happened?

Apparently, as far as anyone can tell...

...he was 10-speeding a gazillion miles an

hour through Central Park...

...racing with all the other Young Turks.

He apparently caught his own reflection

in the handlebar mirror, and became so...

...aroused by it

that he burst his Speedo shorts...

...which then got caught in the gears

and just threw him on his face, splatter.

Luckily, someone had the presence of mind

to scrape his face off the pavement...

...and put it on ice.

- Doctors were able to graft most of it back...

- I'm sorry.

And you...

This is what you're up to.

Bigger-picture Darwinism.

You two know each other.

Wow!

Igby Slocumb was in my art class.

He was one of my students.

You used to call me Miss Piggy, didn't you?

Yeah.

Do you want me to cut this for you?

F***!

Lucky Charms?

What?

F***in' Lucky Charms!

I don't know.

Psycho b*tch!

What did you do with her Lucky Charms?

Nothing.

She's a bit upset.

Her one-woman show wasn't terribly

well received at The Pyramid tonight.

Really?

The world isn't ready for Peeka!

- No?

- I told her.

Lorna Luft was just too f***ing obscure.

People just think you're doing a bad Liza.

- I love Lorna.

- Me, too.

Your brother is looking for you.

Your mom is dying.

Yeah?

Yeah.

You know what you have to think of it as?

What?

Like an act of God.

If there were a God,

he'd have acted a lot sooner.

- What?

- Nothing.

- He left you a ticket.

- Excellent.

It's non-refundable.

He wanted me to tell you that.

Dick.

I gotta take a piss.

Toilet paper?

Here.

It's Russel's.

How are you doing?

I'm pretty sensational, actually.

And you?

Good.

Really.

But...

How is D.H.?

Does he miss me?

- I haven't spoken to him since...

- I bet he does.

You're cute.

Come on.

Down.

What?

Your poor mother.

I've been hoarding Seconal

like a proper junkie,

I'm ready,

It's time to round up your brother,

What's this?

An ice-cream sundae.

I accept.

I'm going to DC this weekend

and kill my mother.

I'm shocked.

Ollie called me.

Apparently, he called everybody.

Stole your thunder.

A**hole.

- This must be very hard on you.

- Not as f***ing hard as it's gonna be on her.

- You're just angry and confused.

- Oh, my God, don't do that to me.

- What?

- Psych 101 me.

You're a furious boy. I mean,

eventually you won't be a boy...

...and it'll eat you up.

- Furious boy?

The thought

that I'm going to live my life without...

...ever having told her to f*** off,

is pretty goddamn infuriating.

Do you hate my guts?

For a month I did.

Now you're not even in my top five.

Good.

I missed you.

My life is, I don't know.

I'm drowning in a**holes.

I'm your friend.

Listen, after...

I'm not coming back. Not to New York.

I know.

Can we go to your mom's apartment

and have sex?

No!

You think that'll make you

feel better? It won't.

It'll just make you feel really empty and sad.

You're better off masturbating.

Thank you for coming down,

Didn't want to f*** up my inheritance, did I?

Ollie has talked to you?

He explained what is to take place?

He said something about bludgeoning you

with a phone, but he didn't really...

...go into specifics.

The irony is that I took for granted

I'd outlive you all.

You'd think, in this family,

that I would be the least likely.

Jason, happy as a clam.

He'll live forever in the institution, you...

You know, just because you're dying,

I'm not going to apologize.

Not for anything that I've ever done.

Why do you want me to be here, Mother?

Comic relief?

I'm going for a walk.

- Ollie, what are you drinking?

- Scotch.

Scotch!

- I guess D.H. told you.

- What?

We've decided to bump

all those incredibly prominent and...

...terribly chic persons that you were

expecting to speak at your memorial, and...

...have me speak for two hours or so.

What a clever idea.

You do understand, though,

don't you, that...

...it is customary in a eulogy to

at least make reference to the deceased?

I intend to, Mother.

Time permitting.

Are we ready?

Shall we do this?

You know, once we start, you must

get as much inside you as possible.

We've been through this.

I don't want to have to do this again.

Is that strawberry? I thought the idea was

to stop me from vomiting up the poison.

Wait.

I take it you know D.H. is your father.

No.

Then I'm really glad I told you.

Make yum-yum.

Much love, all right?

C'mon, wake up!

Come on!

I'm sorry.

Listen...

Do you wanna see the body

before they come to collect it?

I've seen it.

Excuse me.

Hello, Mrs, Hathaway?

This is Jason Slocumb, Jr.

I'm afraid she can't.

'Cause she's dead.

He's always enjoyed

being the bearer of bad tidings.

Hello, Mrs. Bittle. It's lgby.

- lf you could sign this release.

- I'd love to, Mrs. Bittle...

...but she's dead.

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