iGirlfriend

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1

[music playing]

[panting]

OK, what were we supposed to do?

Kill her?

[music playing]

Oh man.

I can't believe I'm

here with you right now.

Going to school

before school starts.

You're such a dweeb, dude.

And worse than that, I think

it's rubbing off on me.

Dude, chill out.

This is going to take

like two seconds.

I'm not even part of your

gay little club, dude.

I really wish you

would have told me

that you were doing this

today before inviting me over.

I didn't invite you.

You just showed up.

Still, false advertising.

[music playing]

Hey, Sammy.

Where is everyone?

[inaudible]?

Look, this isn't a team meeting.

So let's get right to it.

Have you seen this?

Everyone has seen this video.

This is like Chernobyl bad.

Who the hell is Chernobyl?

I like to think I created a

certain standard for this group

that you just no

longer live up to.

And so Simon,

you're out of FMSDA.

I'm going to need

your jump drive

and your computer

lab key card back.

I'm prepared to hear you

defend yourself and make

me understand why you

deserve to stay in FMSDA.

Rip a whole new a**hole dude.

Whatever.

I'm sorry.

Compelling.

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight.

One, two, three, four...

This ain't your avenue, man.

Would you just shut your mouth?

Every time you open your mouth,

you just make things worse.

Dude, we are going to kick this

school's ass this year, man.

Oh man.

Oh sh*t, lacrosse team.

Hide, hide, hide, hide, hide.

There's that son of a b*tch.

bashrethedorf.

Oh, that's Desiree.

I cannot not understand what

she sees in that douche bag.

What was that?

No one.

You were looking at

her, weren't you.

- [inaudible]

- Bashrethedorf.

Honey, I know what I'm doing.

You obviously don't.

Anyone who comes to the door

can see inside the house now.

The TV part supposed

to go on the inside.

The TV part, would you

listen to yourself?

The monitor is on the

inside of the house,

then how is any going to know

that we have a video intercom.

Why does anyone have to know

that we have a video intercom?

Because if I'm going to

spend $537.51 on something,

I don't want to have to

hide it from my neighbors.

I can't.

[door slam]

[music playing]

How's it going, Dad?

Oh, you know.

I can't complain.

So how's school going?

School hasn't started yet, Dad.

But it was a pretty rough day.

Good, good.

Just keep it up.

[music playing]

You know, I heard Ahmad even

got a girl from this summer.

I'm sick of this sh*t.

That was my iPad.

I'm sick of being a loser, man.

I've had it.

Guys like Bashly get all the

girls, and what do we get?

Pantsed on YouTube.

Yeah, I know.

Wait, Ahmad?

The spoiled little Indian kid

from your iPhone club thingy.

OK, first of all, that's racist.

I don't see how that's racist.

He's from India and he's

a squirrly looking fella.

Well, yeah.

Him.

How did that little dude

get a girl to date him?

Dude probably made it up.

No, I've seen pictures of

them together and everything.

So, it's easy to fake that.

[music playing]

You know, it actually

is really easy to fake.

We're going to make

ourselves girlfriends.

No, no.

That's creepy.

That's beyond creepy.

Well dude, I hate

to break it to you,

but we're kind of pathetic

and creepy already.

Deal with it.

People would see

right through that.

No they wouldn't.

You're like an idiot

savant computer guy.

Just make it do things.

Make it work.

There is no way that I'm

going to sit here and make

a girlfriend on my computer.

It doesn't work that way.

You know, just think about

all the opportunities

that this little

computer could give us.

Just think about all the

stupid app sh*t that you make.

Don't call it stupid.

All that really

interesting app stuff

you make, why don't

you just make it,

you know, interestinger,

like with boobies.

Think about the boobies, Simon.

Think about the boobies.

[music playing]

It's not going to work.

We just post a

bunch pictures of us

Photoshopped in with some girls,

claiming to be our girlfriends.

People are going to

see right through that.

Haven't you seen "Catfish?"

Here me out.

We take different pieces

from different girls

on the Internet.

We put them together to make

an amalgam of a girl, you know?

It's one that can't be searched.

Different hair from this

girl, eyes from this girl,

lips from this girl,

tits from that girl,

real Frankenstein sh*t.

[music playing]

Like, they go to be hot,

but they can't be too hot,

you know?

Like, in your case maybe

a little bit jerkey.

We hack into Facebook, we

go back in time literally

by changing the

days on the photos,

and put it in like

they've been on for years.

You know?

Like sweet sixteens,

family reunions,

quinceaneras and all that sh*t.

Like, they need to be

interactive, you know?

Write an iPhone ad that

will text and call us.

[music playing]

What are you going

to name yours?

Lilly.

Her name is Lilly.

[music playing]

College girls?

No way.

[ding]

We now have girlfriends.

[music playing]

[record scratch]

Greetings lame d*cks.

Stanley.

Whats up?

So, I heard about your GFs.

Oh, did you now?

Yeah, I did.

We haven't even told anybody.

I saw it on Facebook.

Everybody saw it on Facebook.

Well, our girls.

They just had to

go tell everybody.

You know how girls are?

Yeah.

They're really into us.

Yeah.

Really into us.

So where are they?

Oh, that's right.

They're college girls, right?

Hm-hm.

Totally.

So why didn't you

mention them yesterday?

Well, because you were

being a dick yesterday.

What college do they go to?

State.

Where'd you meet them?

Outward bound.

Why is this the first

time we heard of it.

Extreme wilderness adventure.

We're only allowed to use

technology once per week

and call it...

Where are they from?

Stacey?

Willowsbrooke.

Lilly?

Northbrooke.

Have they met your parents yet?

Not yet.

We're keeping it casual.

How far have you

gotten with her?

A gentleman never tells.

Bullshit.

Peg?

Oh, we're boning like rabbits,

but like really horny rabbits.

Dude.

What?

Gross.

[phone buzzing]

Oh, lookey here.

Calling me right now,

the old ball and chain.

Nice.

Yeah.

Well, see you later, dude.

[bell ringing]

Mr. Nathaniel Hawthorne

working on the emotion

of his protagonist in this

work, remembering class

that the protagonist

is the main character.

The protagonist faces

almost a force of agony

that has befallen him.

I'm sorry about what

happened yesterday.

I wanted you to stay

on and be on Rusty.

It's OK.

It's really not

that big of deal.

It is to me.

I actually wanted to

win something this year.

But with you gone, that's

pretty much out the window.

Something that you just

don't like about yourself.

Well, I have.

Can any of you

guess what mine is?

It's my pinky toe.

I can't move it.

[laughter]

[music playing]

[phone buzzing]

[clicking]

[phone buzzing]

[clicking]

[phone dinging]

[clicking]

[phone dinging]

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