Iliza Shlesinger: Confirmed Kills

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[gun c*cks and fires]

[cheering and applause]

[announcer] Chicago, are you ready?

[cheering and applause]

Party goblins, are you ready?

[cheering and applause]

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome to the stage,

Iliza!

[cheering and applause]

[cheering and applause]

- Chicago!

- [cheering]

- Thank you!

- [cheering]

Thank you for having me.

I'd like to discuss something with you.

There are two kinds of hungover.

[laughter]

There's the kind of hungover

where you wake up the next morning

and you're like,

"What? I touched his penis over his jeans?

- It's okay, I'm sassy." And then...

- [laughter]

there's the kind of hungover

where whatever happened the night before

wasn't even your fault.

[laughter]

Because you weren't mentally present

for any of it.

[laughter]

[in croaky voice] For 'twas not you

that was is charge.

[laughter]

'Twas your party goblin!

[cheering and applause]

Yeah.

Just so you know, your party goblin

sleeps in the back of your brain.

For those of you

that are unfamiliar with my work,

she sleeps in the back of your brain

and she waits... [snorts]

on a pile of rags... [snorts]

and regrets... [snorts]

and old Tiger Beat magazines. She waits!

- [laughter]

- For the perfect opportunity.

[laughter]

She's back there in your brain,

sleeping her goblin sleep, just...

- [snorts and sighs]

- [laughter]

- [snorts and sighs]

- [laughter]

[snorts] Channing Tatum, stick of butter.

[snorts]

[laughter]

[applause]

- And she will awaken...

- [laughter]

when she hears you say...

"I guess I'll just come out

for one drink."

[snarls]

[laughter and applause]

[cheering]

"I'll just come out for one

because I have to be up early."

[screams]

Eat that sandwich out of the garbage

and text your ex-boyfriend

that you love him

then turn your phone off!

[cheering]

[cheering and applause]

And by the way, there is zero culpability

on the part of your party goblin.

She's not there the next morning

like, "Oh, my God, are you okay?

Do you need Pedialyte?"

No!

She doesn't give a f***.

She straight up ghosts at, like, 3:00 a.m.

when you're sh*t-faced

in the back of an Uber, right?

You scooped yourself

into the back of this car.

Your crowing achievement of the evening

is that you didn't die.

[laughter]

And we've all had that moment.

Anybody that's been out drinking,

you've been out, it's been loud,

there's been yelling, dancing, you stole

an ambulance, it's been a crazy night.

We've all had that moment

of solitary drunken serenity

where you get in the back of the car

and you shut the door

and for the first time all night

it's quiet.

[laughter]

And you think, "Oh, my God, I made it."

[laughter]

Followed by, "I'm gonna throw up."

And the car is going,

you're like, "Oh, f***!"

You're trying to hold it in, right?

You roll the window down.

You're like, "Agh! It's too much air!"

You roll the window back up.

You're like, "Too much me!"

You crack the window. You're like, "No!"

The vomit's coming up. It's right here,

like A1 Steak Sauce, it gets you here.

You're like, "Uhh!" You're trying to focus

on anything to distract you.

You're listening to the radio.

For the first time ever,

you're paying attention

to the words of a Pitbull song.

- You're like...

- [laughter]

# Uno, dos, tres... #

We get it! We get it!

[laughter]

You look at party goblin, she's loving it.

She's got her head out her window like...

[screams]

[laughter]

And you know

it's your party goblin that got you

by the manner in which

you wake up the next morning.

If you wake up. If you wake up, Chicago.

[laughter]

You wake up... When party goblin gets you,

you wake up on your couch.

Beds are for closers.

You wake up on your couch, okay?

You ever pass out on a pillow so hard,

you get a cushion scar

down the side of your face?

[laughter]

And you wake up, no idea where you are,

no idea where you were.

You check your wrist, it's just

a dirty patchwork of entry stamps.

[laughter]

Putting the pieces together

from the night before

is like the plot from Memento.

No idea.

[laughter]

You check your Instagram feed,

it's a blurry feed of pictures

you took of your own face from this angle.

[laughter and cheering]

It's just me and three girls in a bathroom

in East LA like, "Squad goals."

Who the f*** are they?

[laughter]

I don't know,

but I think I'm in the gang now, right?

No idea what you did the night before.

We... I... You know when party goblin

gets you by the amount that you sleep.

I slept for 15 hours the other day.

- I slept so long, my muscles atrophied.

- [laughter]

Okay? I turned to f***ing stone.

You ever pass out

with your full body weight

on your hands, like...

[laughter]

No blood in, no blood out. Your hands

are just purple, bloated flippers.

[laughter]

I slept so long, I almost died.

Like, there was a point

at around 4:
00 p.m.

where my soul was like,

"Should I just go?"

[laughter]

[cheering]

There's different kinds of drunk.

Some people think they get smarter when

they're drunk, some people wanna talk.

The Latin phrase is in vino veritas,

which means, "in wine, there's truth,"

which is why when girls get drunk,

we're always like,

"Can I just tell you a secret?"

[laughter and applause]

[laughter]

"I don't have a neck."

[laughter]

I don't really make

a lot of drunk mistakes

but I worry when I make dumb decisions

when I'm drunk for this simple fact.

In my group of friends, I'm the alpha.

I decide what we do. Obviously.

I pick the restaurants, I pick the bars,

mostly because no one cares,

but I am the decision-maker.

And what worries me is,

if I'm doing stupid sh*t when I'm drunk,

what hope do the sheep who I lead have...

[cheering and applause]

if that's my example?

So this is the story of one such night.

So, we were out the other night

and we were

sh*t-canned.

Like, the kind of drunk

where you can't even read.

[applause]

And then you realize it's because...

you're in China Town.

[laughter]

[cheering]

[applause]

[laughter]

Actually, you know you're f***ed up when

you're in China Town and you can read.

Ohhh!

- Ancient secrets, not so hidden. So...

- [laughter]

We're drunk and we're walking through

China Town and we walk into a bar.

I'm reticent to say that it's a club

because I'm 33,

but there was a dance floor, a DJ

and I had on a little body glitter, okay!

[laughter]

You're probably wondering,

"Why are you wearing body glitter?"

I will tell you, Chicago.

Because my date was late to pick me up.

Gentlemen!

[laughter]

You need to know this about women.

When we get ready,

we have a list of things we do

to reach our most attractive point.

There is an apex,

nay, a pinnacle of beauty...

that women reach

when they're getting ready.

And every minute you're late to get us

is one more minute

we spend doubting ourselves,

dicking with our makeup,

and we get incrementally uglier...

- [laughter]

- as time goes on.

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