Iliza Shlesinger: Confirmed Kills Page #2

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[cheering and applause]

One time, my date was an hour late,

I grew a tail.

[laughter]

This guy was only 30 minutes late,

thank God.

He walks in, I'm on the ground,

there's caboodle shrapnel everywhere.

I've got a Wet N Wild lip gloss wand,

I'm like, "I'm a pretty girl!"

[laughter]

"Save yourself."

[laughter]

But what happens is, we have time,

so we start to add things,

doubt ourselves.

- That's where I found that glitter.

- [laughter]

"He's not here. [gasps] What's this?"

In hindsight, it wasn't body glitter,

it was straight-up craft glitter.

[laughter]

But I was like, "I'm gonna put it

on my face, make it dainty."

Do you ever feel that? Do you ever feel

that you can make something work?

Do you ever feel that

because you're not trashy,

you can pull off

doing something that's trashy?

[cheering]

You're like, "I can wear

fishnet stockings, I went to Stanford."

Like it's okay for some reason.

[laughter]

That's how I felt about that body glitter.

I was like, "I'll just do a little bit.

I'll do a classy amount.

I'm just gonna do a little bit."

Fun fact, you know what body glitter

up close looks like? Conjunctivitis.

- Like, real up close.

- [laughter]

"I'll do a little." Five minutes later,

"Maybe just highlight the orbital rim.

That way when we're dancing,

the light will hit it and it'll be like,

'Bing, anime! Ah!'

Keep going. Keep going."

Five more minutes later,

"Maybe I'll bring a little bit down here

and highlight the jawbone so he knows I,

what, come from good chewing stock?"

[laughter]

Five more minutes later, sparkle fish!

So now...

[laughter]

I look like a goddamn road flare

and we're in public. So...

[laughter]

We walk into this bar and one of

the difficult parts about being a woman,

besides everything, is that...

It's really hard.

Is that you're constantly battling

with yourself.

In the long run, we're battling

our weight, hair color, wrinkles.

Minute to minute, it's just

an adjustment of your hair and your bra

and your underwear and your makeup

and your mustache,

braid it, bead it, set it.

- You're always doing something.

- [laughter]

Because if one thing is off,

then the night is ruined, Scott, okay?

One time,

I left my house without mascara on.

I did a U-turn on a four-lane highway.

Like, "No!"

[laughter]

"They will see the whites of my eyes!"

[laughter]

Everything has to be perfect.

And guys, it's exhausting.

It's exhausting being a girl.

Did you know, fun scientific fact

that I made up on the way here,

that women get four minutes

out of every night,

four minutes out of every night

where our brain sends a message

to our body saying,

"Everything's okay, stop messing with it"?

Four minutes out of every night

where your brain sends a message

to your body like,

"Homeostasis achieved." You're like...

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

And the rest of the time,

it's just mayhem!

Everything has to be perfect. So,

we walk into this bar, my first thought...

"I gotta fix my lip liner. Now!"

[laughter]

I'm not even a big lip liner wearer,

but in that moment, 'twas everything.

In that moment,

I believed fixing my lip liner

is what stood between me

and eternal happiness, okay?

I had to take a liner, I had to find

my liner and line my chola lips, okay?

- That's what I had to do.

- [applause]

So glad that got a response.

In North Carolina, nothing. Okay.

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

Had to fix my lip liner,

had to be right then.

To the gentlemen in the room,

I don't expect you

to understand the urgency

with which I had to fix my lip liner.

The only thing I could liken it to

in male culture is, like...

when you feel

you have to adjust your balls.

[laughter]

Similar immediacy.

As we've seen, unfortunately.

[laughter]

When you feel that's gotta happen,

it's gotta happen now! Go! Go! Go!

In front of children, Christmas Eve,

family portrait, messing with my dick.

[laughter and cheering]

# Messing with my dick in public #

Wahoo!

# It's a dick puzzle

and I'm solving it now #

# Maximum comfort at any cost #

# This is my right,

Nancy, get off my back #

- So...

- [laughter]

So many guys right now have to adjust.

They're like, "I'm not gonna do it!"

[laughter]

[laughter]

I believe that's what Elvis was doing.

[laughter]

Makes sense.

Needed my liner. Now you understand

that I needed it, guys, okay?

Needed the f***ing liner. That means

I had to find the liner in my bag.

- However, I had a big bag.

- [laughter]

There's a very specific way

that women will search for something

when we have a big bag.

What do you do?

You take a designated search claw...

[laughter]

and you plunge it.

[laughter]

[cheering]

[applause]

Never breaking eye contact with your prey,

I mean your date.

[laughter]

Notice I haven't blinked, Chicago.

Dedication acting.

[cheering]

[applause]

The constant eye contact

being a reminder that,

yes, I can multitask and keep talking.

I'll make a great partner. Marry me.

[laughter]

Meanwhile, to the outside world,

it looks like you're wrestling

with a very small bass.

If you're a pro,

you keep conversation moving.

Still haven't blinked.

If you're a pro,

you keep conversation moving.

"I'm listening. Keep talking.

Keep talking. I can look and listen.

Say FanDuel one more time, motherf***er.

I'm listening."

[laughter and applause]

You're digging around in there.

Meanwhile, as a woman,

you're having to come to terms

with the seventh layer of hell

that is the bottom of your bag.

It's just a graveyard of dismembered pens,

there's coins.

Why is there always a Nature's Valley

granola bar crumbled... at the bottom?

[cheering and applause]

You stick your hand down, you come up

with oats between your fingernails.

You're like, "Ow! Ow!"

[laughter]

Digging around.

A gym lock, a phone charger,

a concealer without its lid.

Why? Why can't we make them

with retractable lids

that don't break off?

Because you stick your hand down there,

unknowingly you come up

with one creamy finger. You're like, "No!"

- [laughter]

- "No!"

But it was expensive,

so you're like, "No!"

[laughter]

[cheering]

So now you look amazing.

Keep looking, keep looking.

Bits of paper. A sock. Keep looking.

Tampon out of its wrapper.

Maybe I keep it.

No, I'll get sick. Digging around.

If it's out of the wrapper, don't keep it.

Sometimes it's like, "I'll just..."

Don't blow on it and...

You're gonna get dysentery,

you'll never finish the Oregon Trail.

[laughter and cheering]

Seven or eight seconds go by,

I cannot find my lip liner.

Seven or eight seconds go by,

which in girl years is, like, forever,

I cannot find my lip liner.

So, what's a logical thing to do?

Maybe use the other hand

to add to the search, right?

To aid in the excavation.

Maybe get a cellular device

to illuminate the situation.

Not me!

I dropped to my knees on a dance floor,

dumped out the bag

and start sifting through it

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