Iliza Shlesinger: Confirmed Kills Page #3

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like Helen Keller

learning how to spell water.

[laughter and applause]

Fun fact. Girls,

if you wanna let people around you know

that you're absolutely not

on the same mental playing field as them,

a great way to do it, I found,

is to dump our personal property

onto a shared communal space, because that

immediately lets other bar-goers know,

"I don't give a f***!"

[laughter]

"Where is it?"

This body language, this body language,

- this feral-raccoon-like body language...

- [laughter]

was enough to alert the door guy.

[laughter]

You're a door guy at a busy nightclub,

you've got a lot to deal with.

However, he found

my witch over a cauldron behavior...

threatening enough to leave his post,

flashlight in hand,

and walk up to me.

He was a big guy. He was, like, six-eight,

black guy, good-looking.

[laughter]

- I had to say he was good-looking.

- [laughter]

Because I said he was black.

[laughter]

Seems to be the face of thinly-veiled

political correctness in our country,

if you say someone's color,

other than white,

you must assign them an accolade,

deserved or otherwise,

to prove that you're not racist,

when in the first place,

I wasn't f***ing racist,

I was giving you an accurate depiction

of the events that transpired.

I didn't see his face!

Dude had a flashlight in my eye!

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

I can tell you this much. Black, white

or other, there's no way he was hot.

He's six-eight. They get weird-looking

after a certain height, okay?

Structurally, it gets weird. Okay.

I am not wrong. #IAmNotWrong

Okay, so...

[laughter]

It's true.

There's no hot giants.

[laughter]

So he Shreks up to me...

[laughter]

And I feel his presence and I see

the ball of light and I hear his voice

and he goes,

"Everything a'ight over here?"

F***ing no, dude, everything is most

definitely not a'ight. I'm on the floor.

[laughter]

I don't exist on this plane.

Fun fact about being on the floor.

As an adult, when you choose to take it

to this place, you lose all credibility.

Nobody wants to hear the prerogative

of someone on the floor.

If you have to crane your neck up

to explain yourself, you are f***ed, okay?

You don't believe me?

You ever tried to get the life story

of someone sitting on a curb? No.

Because they were sitting

on a f***ing curb

and you didn't wanna talk to them.

They were someone who's drunk,

on a lot of meth

or like a really pissed off bridesmaid

just waiting for the service to be over.

[laughter]

But now I'm on the floor and I'm nervous

because that's an authority figure

and in my head I'm like,

"Oh, f***, I'm gonna go a bar jail."

[laughter]

"What if they repossess my wedges?"

[laughter]

But I was drunk and in my head I'm like,

"It's cool. Be smart.

Explain what you're doing.

Whatever you do, Iliza,

just sound intelligent."

Instead, what came out of my mouth was,

"I gotta find my lip liner, man!" And...

[laughter]

what I feel he understood,

nay respected, nay...

Neigh.

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

resonated with

wasn't that I had to find my lip liner.

What I feel he understood was

the sheer amount of white-girl crazy...

[laughter]

coming out from behind my eye.

Because he then gave me

the international verbal sign for,

"I respect you and fear you,

I'm going to back off," which is...

"A'ight, then." And he just walked away.

[laughter and applause]

[cheering]

I never found my lip liner.

It was, like, in my other bag.

[laughter]

I didn't like that experience.

I didn't like being on the floor.

And I didn't like being on the floor

for a very specific reason.

As a woman, I didn't need a reminder

of how vulnerable women are

on a day-to-day basis.

Being on the floor,

it's a very vulnerable place.

I didn't need that reminder.

And women in our society are vulnerable

by virtue of the fact that we are

physically not as strong as men.

That's the root of the issue,

that's the root of the oppression.

And that's the root of oppression

of any side of war throughout history.

One side was stronger,

they get to make the rules.

Do you think for a second that

if women were physically stronger than men

we would've waited for the right to vote?

[cheering]

[applause]

It's 1910, some jacked-up housewife

is just putting up weight in her garage.

She's got a shaker

of horse testosterone and creatine.

Her little husband comes in,

he's like, "You're not voting."

She'd be like...

"Out of the way, Jedediah."

[laughter]

[cheering]

"Mama's going to the polls."

[laughter]

It's physical strength,

that's the root of the issue.

Physical strength.

And they try to placate women.

They try to tell us

we're other types of strong.

Sure. But none that matter

as much as physical strength.

"Well, you're a woman,

so... mentally strong."

[laughter]

Mentally strong.

You put up with him all day, huh?"

Pfft!

[laughter]

Mentally strong.

Mentally strong? What do I do with that?

Mentally strong. What do I do

when a rapist runs at me? Math?

[laughter]

It's physical strength.

Physical strength is what counts

when it comes to protecting yourself

and women are only naturally

physically super-human strong

when it comes to two things.

The first is a recent one,

and that's CrossFit, which...

It's enough, by the way.

It's a cult. Okay?

[cheering]

It's insane. It goes...

Scientology, CrossFit, people without

celiac disease that don't eat gluten.

It's a cult, okay? It's enough.

"I can deadlift 600 pounds." Cool.

What Starbucks do you work at?

What are you...

Guard a village. Join up.

What are you doing with that muscle,

all the horse meat?

The workouts that they're doing,

it's all snake oil, I believe, okay?

Push-ups, sit-ups, pull-ups,

the foundations of a military workout,

these are applicable

in the rest of your life.

Instead, they've got a father of six

at 7 a.m. flipping a monster truck tire?

Why? When do you need that?

When do you need

to know the form for that?

What post-apocalyptic

gorilla playground...

[laughter]

are you gonna find yourself in?

Why don't we give you an empty suitcase

to throw around your cage, Peaches?

[laughter and applause]

And the rope thing. There are other ways

to build up your pectoral muscles.

Men have been doing it for centuries.

Instead they've got you using a rope.

When are you gonna use that?

"Timmy's stuck down by the dock

under some boat rope!" "I got it!"

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

And the only time that women are

naturally, exceptionally physically strong

is when it comes to childbirth.

And that's amazing.

- [cheering]

- Yes.

It'd be amazing if those were all men

with, like, really high-pitched voices.

[laughter]

It's an amazing amount

of super-human strength

that unfairly women only get to tap into

when they're having a baby.

You only get to tap into that super-human

strength once, maybe twice a year,

but that second baby's gonna be very tiny.

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