Iliza Shlesinger: Confirmed Kills Page #4

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You only get to use it then.

That's a disproportionate

amount of strength.

Mother Nature is playing

a cruel joke on us.

Do you know how many pounds of pressure

per square snootch inch it takes

to deliver a baby?

[laughter]

We're not even using our hands!

You're like python-like digesting a goat.

[laughter]

"Get out of there!"

Using f***ing grit and rage and, like,

a mother's love, but just, "Aghh!"

[laughter]

Sparta! Just f***ing going.

[laughter]

You can do that with your body,

yet the rest of the year, we have trouble

not doing push-ups on our knees.

That doesn't seem fair.

[laughter]

We're only exceptionally strong

when it comes to children.

We have something called

mama bear strength.

So that means when your child

is in danger, your child,

someone else's child, "Sorry, junior."

Your child...

[laughter]

"Lift the piano off your legs yourself,

okay, I'm not your mama."

When your child is in danger,

in that moment, through adrenaline,

you can develop super-human strength

and save the baby.

So if your child is trapped under a car,

you can go ahead and flip that Buick

like an orangutan, no problem.

[laughter]

Yet if you're a single girl

walking alone on a Saturday night

and some maniac runs at you,

what's your defense?

Like, "No, two plus two is four."

[laughter]

We're millennials,

we'd probably use our phone calculators.

[laughter]

That's why sexual harassment

is such a big deal.

It really has less to do

with the disgusting thing

a man feels he has the right

to yell at you

out of van or a truck.

Never out of a Civic for some reason.

[cheering]

But for the girls that might not know,

you can wear whatever you want.

It doesn't give someone the right

to treat you like an animal.

[cheering and applause]

You can wear whatever you want.

You can leave the house out naked.

You will go to jail,

but you can do whatever you want.

But it has less to do with

what a man is yelling at you,

and nobody wants to say this, but I will,

what it has to do with

is the underlying notion

that if that man wanted to act on it,

he could.

And if you don't believe me,

every girl knows what it's like,

a guy yells something disgusting at you,

and because you're strong, you yell back.

He's like, "Nice tits."

You're like, "F*** off!"

Immediately followed by, "What if he

kills me?" Like, there's that moment.

[laughter]

Hoping to God

that your bark was big enough

that you don't have to take a lady bite.

Being sexually harassed is the worst.

I'm sorry, let me rephrase that.

Being sexually harassed by an ugly guy

is the worst.

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

If he's hot, it's just plain old flirting.

[laughter]

No one's ever been like, "Get away

from me, you model!" That's fine.

[laughter]

It has to do also with

an unrequited, uninvited sexual energy.

And women are very aware of that.

Every woman in here knows what it

feels like to have a guy's eyes on you

when you find him attractive.

It's the best feeling.

When you see hot guys and you walk by,

you're like,

"Hope they're looking at my butt.

I feel so good about my little haunches."

When the dudes are gross

and you walk by, you're like,

"Please don't look at my butt,

please don't look at my butt."

Having someone sexually harass you,

it's their energy on you.

It feels like you're getting shot

with a dick gun.

That's what it feels like.

[laughter]

Minding your own business, like,

"I love being an independent woman."

"Nice tits!"

"Agh!"

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

Aw, he got a boner for free.

[laughter]

Women have to think about these things.

It's hard being a girl.

I haven't been a guy in, like, a while,

but it is difficult.

[laughter]

And we're constantly questioning ourselves

and we're constantly being told that what

we feel is wrong and how we look is wrong.

And we tell it to little girls

and it sticks with us.

Take a man and a woman shopping.

Nothing will fit

because fashion is the enemy, for sure.

But nothing will fit the woman

for negative reasons

and nothing will fit the guy

for positive reasons.

Take a woman shopping,

"Nothing fits,

my arms are fat, my thighs are big,

I'm f***ing gross, I hate my body."

Take a guy shopping,

an average man of average build,

five-ten, 170,

"Nah, I can't buy off the rack because

my shoulders are so abnormally broad.

I'm tall. For my height, my waist tapers

at such an Adonis-like angle."

[laughter]

My dick is so girthy,

I can only wear JNCOs."

[laughter]

"It's hard for me."

[applause]

These are good things.

Women are told to change.

It's okay if men are the same.

That's why we have stereotypes.

That's why you've got

the stereotype of your Grandpa,

"I sit in my chair, I drink my beer,

I've got the remote,

I fought in Korea,

don't f***ing talk to me," right?

"I'm not moving, you move!"

Women aren't like that, right?

What do women do?

- "I'm taking a class."

- [laughter]

- Love classes.

- [laughter]

- "I'm learning more about Cheryl."

- [laughter]

- "I'm meeting Cindy for the first time."

- [laughter]

There's two women in this monologue.

I'm two different women, it's fine.

"I'm learning to breathe.

I'm getting a sense of myself.

I'm canning.

I'm canning my own beets."

[laughter]

For no reason.

I live in the middle of a city.

I just thought I wanted to connect.

I'm canning my own sh*t now.

I take it, put it in there,

I let it solidify, I make jewelry,

I sell it on Etsy.

It's nice pocket money."

[laughter]

"I'm learning about myself.

I'm learning to breathe.

- I'm cutting my own hair."

- [laughter]

"I'm learning to make my own tea,

putting the hair in the tea,

I drink my hair."

[laughter]

Changing.

We always wanna change

a little bit, right?

Always wanna lose a little bit of weight.

No matter what your body looks like.

- "I just wanna lose, like, five pounds."

- [laughter]

We think that's the answer.

"Just wanna lose, like, five pounds."

[gabbles]

[laughter]

"Just wanna lose, like,

five pounds before lunch."

[laughter]

"So I can have more lunch."

[laughter and cheering]

[applause]

Because we think being skinny

is the answer, right?

It's not even enough to be skinny, is it?

It's not even enough to be thin, is it?

You have to be the thinnest

out of your friends,

- who you hate.

- [laughter]

You don't believe me? Look at any

Instagram picture of more than four women.

It's a f***ing pose-off.

[laughter]

Dudes don't care. They'll turn

around like gorillas mid-meal. [grunts]

"Take the picture, I don't care.

F***ing..."

[laughter]

Girls, it's like a Mr. Universe, like,

"F***ing line up! Line up!

Make it pointy! Concave!

Make it f***ing pointy!

Kisses.

Neck vein.

Look at the motherfucking neck vein.

Hamstring.

Happy birthday, Stacey."

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

It's not enough to just be thin, right?

You wanna be the kind of thin

where your friends...

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