Iliza Shlesinger: Confirmed Kills Page #5

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are worried for you.

[laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter and applause]

So thin. Horrible looking.

Stalking around Gap Kids.

"I wear a youth large, thank you." Right?

- F***ing femur for days.

- [laughter]

Right? Mr. Peanut Legs

coming out six seconds ahead of you.

Like an R. Crumb comic book thinner,

right?

Just walking around,

baby stegosaurus spine.

Clothes hanging like moss

off a willow tree.

A f***ing clavicle

you can serve soup out of.

Yeah!

So happy!

[laughter]

I like my body, but I always...

Everybody wants to change something,

right? I just wanted have shoulders

that were so frail and tiny,

little bird shoulders.

Do they even have shoulders?

No, it's just...

That's what I want, I want no shoulders.

I want the kind of shoulders

where my bra strap just falls down.

- [mumbles weakly]

- [laughter]

Just floppy hair. "Ohh. Whoops."

[laughter]

[mumbles weakly]

Men love it. They love it. They go crazy.

One strap...

Because it's one less thing

they gotta do, right?

- [grunts]

- [laughter]

It's not my fault

I think that's attractive.

You see it on lingerie ads in magazines.

The women are on the bed, bra strap.

Men love vulnerability

and that's what that represents.

"Not me, I like a strong woman."

Bullshit. Vulnerability.

"Help me. Open this jar. Please help me."

They love it.

[laughter and applause]

What does the bra strap down represent?

You're not supported. When your tits are

flopping around, you can't run away. Yeah!

[laughter]

I want that.

I want that bone structure, right?

I wanna have those shoulders.

I wanna look like the girl on the cover

of the playbill for Les Mis. Just...

[laughter]

"Oh, monsieur!"

[laughter]

It's a ten-year-old French girl.

Still, I want those bones.

[laughter]

They do, men love vulnerability, right?

That's why the thin thing is the thing.

That's why women are expected to be...

You can't have a baby if you're this big.

That's why we have to be... garden party.

Like that kind of thin.

Because if women are thin,

there's no nutrition,

so you're cold, you don't leave the house,

you don't vote. Yeah!

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

That's why every model

has that vulnerable look.

That's why models look like you uncovered

a refugee from under a manhole cover.

"Ohhh! Gucci."

[laughter and applause]

They love vulnerability. And we do things

to make ourselves vulnerable.

Strong women are told

to tone it down, right?

But men are told to toughen up.

We don't let men be vulnerable.

That's not fair.

But I can't help you because I'm a girl

and I can only fight one fight at a time.

[laughter]

If you wanna come to my green room

and cry after, I will...

laugh at you. But, no...

[laughter]

But we tell strong women

to bring it down, right?

High heels? Why do you wear high heels?

So you what? Can't run from your attacker.

Good.

[laughter]

Smoky eye makeup?

Why does that make sense?

What are you doing?

You take the makeup, grind it

into your eye. Why is that attractive?

I figured it out. Smoky eye makeup

makes you look like you what?

Just choked on a dick and cried. Good.

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

I am not wrong.

It's a little off-brand for me.

I am not wrong.

[laughter]

It's not enough to be thin ever!

You gotta be gaunt

to the point of extinction.

The kind of thin where it's like,

"What up, b*tches? Find me."

That kind of thin.

[laughter]

Maybe I'm being unfair.

Maybe it's a cultural thing.

I can only truly speak

from the perspective of what I am.

I'm an upper-middle-class white woman.

Hope I die that way.

[laughter]

And the expectation of being thin

has been put on us for about 100 years.

That's been the look. The like...

"Uhh, come, have some tea.

Yes, these jeans are high.

That's not weird."

We like that look.

And that's a hard look to achieve.

Some women die trying to be thin.

And it was only in the last...

forty years

that women of color and women

of other ethnicities rose to prominence

and made it socially acceptable,

nay attractive,

to have the body of a grown woman.

Jennifer Lopez came out of nowhere

with the backside

of a brontosaurus, like...

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

"Qu pas?"

[applause]

And it became attractive.

And somewhere, with everybody having

an agenda in our social conversation,

it became okay to tell white girls

to their faces,

"You're fat. Kill yourself."

Bullying us on Facebook.

Because you're white,

so life must be easy.

Which, I'm not gonna lie, it's great.

Being white is great. But...

[laughter]

It became okay to say that

because we are not spicy, right?

White women don't have a fire in them.

There's not a chili pepper here.

Inside here is a scoop

of Breyer's vanilla bean ice cream.

[laughter]

And we'll take it.

Your boyfriend tells you you're fat,

we'll be like, "I'm sorry, Chad,

please don't get out of the kayak."

[laughter]

"We're gonna have an afternoon.

I brought Jenga."

[laughter]

You know who has an unshakeable sense

of self-esteem? Black women.

[cheering]

You... Yes!

You cannot tell a sister on her something

isn't working. She won't believe it.

[laughter]

Try it. Say to a black girl,

"I don't like those jeans."

First of all, I dare you.

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

It will not rattle her for a second.

Be like, "I don't like those jeans."

She'll be like,

"Bullshit. I see you looking."

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

Girls, if you want respect,

you're gonna have to take it.

It's 2016.

Let's learn math, let's learn science,

let's drop the body issues, okay?

Don't let anybody make you feel less than.

Your bodies are perfect as they are.

[cheering and applause]

And if you want respect,

you have to command respect,

not demand it.

Two totally different things.

Commanding respect is in the actions,

it's the way

that we speak about each other,

it's the way that you speak

about yourself.

If your whole agenda is to be sexual,

and confusing being sexual

with empowerment,

and talking about f***ing and sex

all the time,

thinking that that's the reason that women

are empowered, you're f***ing wrong.

It comes with the way you treat yourself.

Don't call each other whores.

Don't call each other sluts.

[cheering and applause]

Because when you do that,

society looks at you and they say,

"Oh, it's okay to talk to women that way."

You teach people how to treat you.

Let's get rid of the phrase

"walk of shame."

What is that one? What is walk of shame?

I don't understand that.

I've never had a walk of shame.

What could that be?

Walk of shame.

What's there to be shameful about?

What's the shame in the fact that he and I

went out, we had the same amount of vodka,

he got too drunk to get it up,

so he passed out,

then I used his credit card to buy $100

worth of Chinese and stole his golf clubs?

[cheering and applause]

Walk of shame!

[applause]

We're starting from behind here, girls,

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