Iliza Shlesinger: Confirmed Kills Page #6

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we've gotta say smarter things.

From now on... Let's make a pact.

From now on,

I don't wanna hear any more women

talk about how they wanna be... mermaids.

[laughter]

Okay?

- [cheering and applause]

- Okay?

It's stupid.

And I'm not trying to be a b*tch, but

it's probably not gonna happen for you.

[laughter]

Okay?

Literally,

you don't have the bone structure.

[laughter]

What worries me, I see it a lot

and it's not from children,

it's grown women,

like, "I don't wanna be adult any more.

I wanna be a mermaid."

You... The amount of escapism

that's in that sentence!

You wanna move to the woods,

you wanna make jam, fine.

At least you're still paying taxes.

You wanna be a mermaid?

That means all of your achievements

in life are gonna lead to you being

a fictional f*** toy for a horny sailor.

That's what you want?

That's what mermaids are! Read a book!

[cheering and applause]

Because I see it a lot.

T-shirts, right? "I am a mermaid."

"Yo soy mermaid."

[laughter]

"Je suis mermaid."

[laughter]

Let's discuss the logistics...

of being a mermaid,

so that you have the information.

If and when

the job opportunity presents itself

on Linkedln...

[laughter]

you can make an informed decision,

okay?

If you are a mermaid, you don't sleep.

Girls are like, "Oh, my God,

I love sleeping."

"None for you. Just swim."

[laughter]

It's chugging Mountain Dew Code Red.

There are no beds,

but there is Mountain Dew Code Red.

You're some white-trash jacked-up mermaid

just swimming, swimming.

And by the way, you don't have fins.

Remember, you're half-human.

So you've got arms. You've got

these thick-ass traps, just swimming.

[pants heavily]

You can't stop swimming,

because if you do,

something will try to eat you,

f*** you or kill you, okay?

It's not dissimilar to being a woman

in a downtown area.

So just swimming, swimming.

Now, you're swimming all day,

you're probably pretty hungry, right?

How are you gonna catch food?

Remember, you're half-human.

We don't have

animal-catching accoutrements,

like claws and tentacles and lasers.

We don't have those kind of things.

We have big brains.

So I don't know what you're gonna do.

Maybe talk a crab to death.

Like, "Excuse me. Excuse me."

[laughter]

I was thinking of double majoring in

psychology and communications. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Are you a cancer?"

So now... you're hungry, you're tired,

you're like, "I don't care

because I'm gonna lay on the beach

like a mermaid."

No, you won't.

Sailors are gonna try to f*** you

and the Japanese will definitely

try to eat you just for funsies, okay?

[laughter]

You're swimming around like, "I don't care

because I'll have long, flowing hair."

No, you won't. You ever go in the ocean?

You guys aren't on an ocean,

you're on a lake.

You're a lake mermaid?

What are you, half trout? Kill yourself.

[laughter and applause]

Ohh! Freshwater mermaid?

[laughter]

What if you got, like, the weird end of

the genetic pool and you were half turtle?

No tail but just half...

"Long flowing mermaid hair."

You're not gonna have that.

You ever go in the water

when there's waves?

You won't have long flowing hair.

You're going to have one giant mer-dread.

[laughter]

And it's just gonna follow you.

It's just one big old mer-lock

and it's getting caught on propellers,

it's getting caught on anchors.

There's sea lice living in your mer-dread

because that's a warm,

hospitable environment.

Then there's fish

feeding off those sea lice.

There's an entire sustainable maritime

ecosystem attached to your f***ing head.

You drag it around.

Sea lice are nipping at your scalp.

You gotta get rid of it, right?

You're like, "I'll just cut it off."

Ain't no scissors in the ocean, all right?

I don't care

what the Little Mermaid told us

because she was a liar and a hoarder.

[laughter and applause]

Hoarder!

We let it go because she was pretty,

but she was super-gross.

[laughter]

# Look at this stuff, isn't it neat? #

That's a used toothbrush.

Don't put it in your...

[screams] Ohh! Ohh!

[gags] Ohh!

You're gonna get sick!

[laughter]

Still gotta get rid of that mer-dread

because it's a hazard, so what do you do?

You have to get another fish to help you.

You have to do what they do

in the animal kingdom. You must what?

You must what? Who here took

marine biology? You have to what?

Form a symbiotic relationship

with other marine life.

- Good. And have that fish...

- [laughter]

come in with his fish tooth

and just saw off your mer-dread, right?

It's gonna be bad-looking. But now,

remember, you gotta pay that fish back.

That's the nature of a symbiotic

relationship, you must reciprocate.

How you gonna pay that fish back?

You ain't got no money, shell-tits.

[laughter]

I hate to say it,

but the only thing you have...

is fish sex

and I don't know if you have a vagina

because I'm not an ichthyologist

and I don't know how fish work.

I should've looked it up before the taping

but I'm just trying to tell you some jokes

and I think I've done a pretty good job.

You know what fish do? They poop.

You've got a fish butt.

So think about that.

- So.

- [laughter]

So now you're swimming around,

you're hungry, you're tired,

you've got a f***ed-up haircut,

you're like a little sore, you're like...

[groans]

"I don't care.

I'm gonna be a mermaid. I'm gonna swim.

Because I will swim like a mermaid."

Let's remember how mermaids allegedly,

because they are not real, swim.

They swim... like dolphins.

[laughter]

Hey, ladies,

do you love ab day at the gym?

Well, that's your f***ing life, sister!

[laughter]

"37. 38." Just trying to get through.

Your entire existence

is that of an R. Kelly backup dancer.

[laughter]

Just swimming through the nineties.

[applause]

So, you can be a mermaid

or you can always get a job

in front of a used car dealership.

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

No mermaids.

We can do better. No mermaids.

I worry for women. I worry for men.

I worry for our country.

Is anybody else

really worried for our country?

[cheering and applause]

So I'm worried... And by the way,

I am very proud to be an American

and I love my country very much

and I want the best for it.

There's no joke, it's just a statement.

I love being an American.

[cheering]

What I'm scared for...

What I'm scared about

aren't so much the nightmares

clawing at our front and back doors,

both politically, foreign, domestic,

economical, ecological, whatever.

What I'm scared about

is the fact that, like,

my generation

is supposed to be grown-up and mature now.

I represent the millennials.

Perhaps you've seen our Instagram pages.

[laughter and cheering]

Yeah, we cheer for ourselves.

We're the worst.

[laughter]

I will say this as the Lorax

of my generation, mustache,

we... didn't ask to be spoiled.

Our parents loved us

and they gave us everything.

That's the job of the generation prior,

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