Iliza Shlesinger: Confirmed Kills Page #7

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to give the next generation

a better world than they had.

So I'm gonna apologize to my grandkids for

the radioactive ball of foil and Diet Coke

that they're gonna inherit from us.

But that's what the people before you do.

And I believe that this wave of

entitlement started with our grandparents.

Our grandparents were called

the greatest generation,

and I believe that they were.

They selflessly gave

and they made this country

the idea of America that a lot of us miss.

White people. The rest of us,

it was horrible for most of them.

- But in general...

- [laughter]

The main points of it, okay?

Your grandparents had to fight.

They had no choice.

Grandpa had to fight in World War II.

Grandpa was straight-up drizafted, okay?

He had no choice.

And when he came home from the war,

all he wanted to do was have a family,

have a job, be a little racist

- and live the American dream, that's it.

- [laughter]

He fought, he got right to work.

It's not like guys today who'd be like,

"Oh, I just wanna backpack around Oregon

and find myself." No!

[laughter]

And they're allowed to say that

because, whether you like them or not,

our military does such a good job

of defending us on a day-to-day basis.

[cheering and applause]

And I know that TSA blows.

But they do such a good job

that you're allowed to mentally check out.

Like, if you don't like

the war going on right now,

unlike it on Facebook.

[laughter]

You're allowed to do that.

There was no concerted effort.

You didn't have to fight.

My point is, there was no day

we all gathered in our town squares

and threw our iPhones into the center

so the military could use the scrap metal.

"What's this? A droid? Take it back,

freak." We didn't have that.

[laughter]

I think it's difficult to conceive of a

world where you have to sacrifice so much

and to understand what our grandparents

did because now they're old,

and when you think old, what do you think?

Cute, right?

Your grandparents are cute because

they're tiny, shrinking.

Pick them up, put them down,

they don't like it, sprinkle water,

"Get it off me."

[laughter]

And the whiter you are,

the greater a chance there is

that you've developed some weird

prerogative kitten-like nickname

for your grandfather.

Oh, it's not Grandpa anymore,

it's like, "This is my Nim-Nam."

[laughter]

"This is my Yippers."

"This is my Pip-Pop."

Pip-Pop doesn't give a f***. He's like,

"I was a prisoner of war for six years,

call my Pip-Pop, I've had worse."

[laughter]

"Oh, my God, you guys,

my Pip-Pop is so cute.

Oh, my God, Pip-Pop,

he's so cute, you guys.

Sometimes at Christmas,

when Pip-Pop falls asleep,

we like to decorate him

with Christmas bows.

Isn't that funny? Silly Pip-Pop."

Pip-Pop's got 53 confirmed kills!

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

Don't think for a second

Pip-Pop doesn't remember how to repurpose

that Christmas bow around your neck

to get the intel that he needs out of you.

"Sit the f*** down,

Colton, Caleb, Ashton, Crashton, Crandon,

whatever your f***ing hipster name is,

sit down!"

[laughter and cheering]

Pip-Pop came home from the war

and then they had our parents.

Our parents are called the baby boomers

because Pip-Pop came home from Normandy

and he was like, [gasps] "I'm not dead.

Boom, Gladys, let's f***."

And then...

[laughter and applause]

The baby boomers, ask your parents,

were the first generation that were

allowed to be artists on a mass scale.

You didn't have to work on your

family business, you could take drugs,

rock 'n' roll, you could do and be

what you wanted to be in the big city.

The baby boomers had generation X.

I don't care about them

because I'm a millennial.

We showed up, got a trophy for breathing

and then we invented Instagram.

[cheering and applause]

What's insane about Instagram is this.

We use hashtags, right?

Hashtag, formerly known as the pound sign.

[laughter]

She got a makeover.

What's weird about a hashtag... is this.

The more hashtags there are

under a posted picture on Instagram,

the less likely the last hashtag

is gonna have anything to do...

[laughter]

with that posted picture.

You got more than four hashtags

under your picture,

you are witnessing

a human thought process devolve.

[laughter]

By the end, it's just word association.

Free word association.

Bunch of people on the beach,

Fourth of July, right?

"F***, yeah! #FourthBitches

# Fourth #BeachDay #BDay

# IndependenceDay #IndependentWoman

#Beyonce" Yes!

"#Blessed #IPayMyBills

#BikiniBody #BeachBody

# BoutThatLife #DontNeedAMan

#DontWantAMan #NeverHadAMan

# SometimesToFeelAHumanEmotion

ILikeToDrinkMyOwnHair"

What? What? What?

[cheering and applause]

Say something.

Talking about?

And then, because we're so hard on women,

we're mean to women when they're proud

of their bodies on Instagram.

We only allow women to post pictures

when they're a work in progress, right?

"Keep it going." If you're ever like,

"This is as good as it gets,

f***ing check it out!"

it's like,

"You whore. You showy f***ing b*tch."

So instead of empowering women

and letting them be proud of themselves,

women have to shroud their pride

in misdirect hashtags.

So you've got a generation of girls proud

of their bodies in a bathroom like this,

and rather than be like,

"#CheckOutMyBodylmSoHappyWithMyself,"

instead she's like,

"#CheckOutTheGroutWorkOnTheseTiles."

[laughter]

Who's looking at that?

I broke up with my boyfriend

a couple of months ago.

Let me ask you a question. Have you ever

dated someone who is... so pretty...

but so stupid?

[laughter and cheering]

Notice, it's girls cheering.

All the guys are like, "Yeah,

I brought her here. Keep it moving!"

[laughter]

"I don't wanna get in a fight!"

So, men can do that. Women really can't.

And the reasoning isn't because men

are d*cks, there's nothing like that,

it has to do

with the wiring of our brains.

Men are visually stimulated, women,

unfortunately, are cerebrally stimulated.

Men are visual creatures.

They have to be attracted to a woman

before they can get to know how amazing

she is inside. They have to be...

A dude will date a popsicle stick if

it's got a wig. Like, it doesn't matter.

[laughter]

That's why it's tough,

because you wanna be a feminist,

like, "I don't have to get ready

for a man,"

but that's what they're attracted to.

Just the littlest bit.

Everybody's got that one girlfriend that's

like, "I don't get it. I volunteer

and I rescue animals and I'm very sweet."

It's like, "Yeah, but you're so ugly

so you have to... Just brush the hair!

Just, anything! One tooth."

[laughter]

You don't have to have it out there.

He cannot check out your personality

from across the room.

That's all I'm saying.

No man has ever done that.

No man has ever seen a woman

who's sitting there nibbling on her nubs

- with, like, a gill...

- [laughter]

and walked up and been like, "Excuse me,

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