Iliza Shlesinger: Confirmed Kills Page #8

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you're hideous, but you look like

you might enjoy Tom Clancy,

light nipple play and barbecue.

Is that true?"

[laughter]

[applause]

And women do stuff to make themselves

physically attractive.

Even if you're not trying that hard,

most of the stuff we do

is just to get men's attention.

Shiny hair. Why is your hair shiny?

It makes you look fertile.

Thanks, Pantene.

But that's why. There's no reason to have

it shiny other than to get attention.

You're not, like, deflecting a car light

when you're running.

Big eyes. "Look at me! My lips look like

a vagina and my b*obs look like a butt

and my butt looks like b*obs.

I'm a Mrs. Potato Head. Mate with me!"

[laughter]

- You may not like it, but I'm not wrong.

- [laughter]

Women are cerebrally stimulated.

That's why we say the number one thing

we look for in a man is a conversation.

"Someone I can talk to. Sense of humor."

I have dated gutter goblins who were just,

like, really funny and smart.

"I just wanna talk to him. It's sexy.

I just want someone I can talk to.

At. Just sit there and breathe, Steve."

We need that back and forth.

We have to be able to talk.

And it's something that we need,

and yet we're chastised for it.

You ever been called a "chatty Cathy"?

By an idiot, but still,

ever been called that?

"A couple of girls just yipping away, huh?

She'll talk your ear off.

Bunch of giblets in a henhouse."

No-one says giblets in a hen...

That means the chicken's already dead.

[laughter]

Women are always chastised

for talking a lot.

The reason women talk

goes back thousands of years.

The reason women talk a lot,

have a proclivity for speaking... Mm!

Is when men would go out and hunt

and fight and get animals,

- otherwise known as hunting...

- [laughter]

"Go get an animal."

Women stayed behind...

[laughter]

And we raised the kids

and we made food.

And because the world

wasn't really a thing yet,

we exchanged survival secrets.

We would tell each other things like,

"Oh, don't eat that berry,

it'll make your husband's dick fall off."

"Don't wipe with that leaf,

I found in my studies

that it really hurts your vagina."

You had to exchange this information

to keep your tribe alive.

Now, that's devolved to,

"What color lip gloss?"

but it's the exchange of information.

Girls gather and then share.

So guys,

when we're talking and it bothers you,

just know we're trying to make it

so your dick doesn't fall off!

That's what we're doing.

Trying to help you!

- Trying to help you live!

- [cheering and applause]

Nothing wrong with it. I'll say it.

I'm a feminist. You know what?

I'll say it for the women

that don't know to say it.

And you might not be comfortable with it.

Because a lot of women are like, "I love

being a woman, but I'm not a feminist."

What are you, a horse?

Like, what are the other options?

Let me clarify it...

[cheering]

for the men and the women

who might not have a clear idea.

Being a feminist means

you just wanna be treated fairly,

you just want it even, no more, no less.

Maybe like a little bit more.

You just wanna get the same.

And a lot of women

don't like to say they're feminists

because they don't think

it sounds attractive, right?

Which is inherently an issue

in and of itself.

Because men think feminist,

they have a bad idea of it.

Guys think of some square-jawed broad

with three chin hairs and a power suit,

like, "I'm gonna kick you in the dick

and take your job!"

That's not what we want.

We just want it even.

If we're gonna be feminists,

let's start with something fun.

Wage gap, gotta close that.

But let's start with something everybody

wants to deal with. Yeah, for sure. Duh!

[cheering]

Let's start with porn.

[cheering]

Because even if you're a woman

and you love being a porn star,

it's still you taking it

for, like, three hours,

you're getting paid 30 percent less

and he's actually getting off,

so let's make some feminist porn.

Let's see a porn

where a girl kicks a door in, like...

"Who wants to lick it? Line up! Go!"

[laughter and cheering]

Go!

Next! Go!

Beat your best time. Go!"

[laughter]

- That's so gross.

- [laughter]

So off-brand. So gross.

Now, all the girls are cheering,

because in theory, that's empowering.

But in practice, horrific.

That would be horrible.

No woman could withstand that.

Halfway through the second guy, we'd

all be like, "Okay, okay, okay, okay!"

[laughter]

"It's sensitive! I need a minute!"

[laughter and applause]

"I just need a minute!

I just need a minute.

Don't hug me.

I'm not mad, I just need a minute."

[laughter]

"Why don't you go order us a pizza?

I'll fire up my Pinterest page."

[laughter and cheering]

Let me ask you a question.

This is for the girls in the audience.

This is a very real question,

very real statement.

Have you ever been...

Have you ever been

having sex with your boyfriend

and you're not into it, like, obviously,

and then all of a sudden,

you start to get really excited?

Not so much from physical stimulation,

but because mentally you're like...

"This is almost done."

[cheering and applause]

[laughter]

And when it is done... [gasps]

we shall go to the farmers market!"

You plan out the whole day.

Guys, you have to make sure

her head is in the game,

no pun intended,

but, like, pun intended for sure.

I don't think we check in with each other

enough as opposite sexes.

Men think because she's making noises

they hear in movies, she's enjoying it.

Women are like, "I'm making noises,

let's f***ing get it over with."

If you care about the girl, you gotta

make sure she's getting what she wants.

And girls, the best thing you can do,

if you have great sex,

the best thing you can do

the second sex is over

is... not talk to him.

[laughter]

Sounds horrible.

It's actually to your benefit.

That's not your boyfriend

lying next to you.

That is a husk of a man...

[laughter]

- depleted of all bodily fluids...

- [laughter]

incapable of giving you

the answer you deserve.

And I get it. You just had sex,

you're feeling great, oxytocin is flowing,

you just hosted a human being

inside of you...

You love him

and you wanna talk about the future.

He can't do it.

You look at him and say, "What are you

thinking about?" He's laying there, dust.

[exhales heavily]

[laughter and applause]

"Ohh."

Get him a Gatorade, give him five.

He can't answer you. You'll be like,

"What are you thinking about?"

He'll never, ever be like,

"You in a wedding dress."

[laughter]

But guys, if you love your girl, check in

with her. Because you're far away.

She's up there. You're here like,

"I'm amazing.

I'll bet she f***ing loves this."

And we're down there like,

"I wonder if lavender is in season."

[laughter]

[applause]

Still back there.

"Siri, is lavender..."

[laughter]

"Calling Mom Cell."

- "No, Siri!"

- [laughter]

"No!" Snap.

[laughter]

The moral of that story is

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