Iliza Shlesinger: Confirmed Kills Page #9

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I was in a relationship

and I wasn't happy,

so I left the relationship.

I'm not advocating

for leaving the person you're with.

What I am advocating for is this.

If you're not happy,

there's no reason to stay

out of fear of being alone.

We like to scare women.

[cheering and applause]

And I'm sure there are men

that feel this way.

But we like to scare women when they're

single and we like to be mean to them

and we label them.

We say mean things to them.

She's a spinster. Old maid.

Really involved with animal rescue.

- We have names like that.

- [laughter]

And we like to question them,

as if there's something wrong.

"Why are you single?"

"Because the last one was a dick

and I'm not stupid."

Like, that's why you do it.

[cheering and applause]

Nobody wakes up married.

Nobody is born betrothed to someone.

We have to be kinder to women

and stop doing it.

And we have the audacity

to have magazines,

self-help books, articles,

posing the question,

"You're single. Now what?

You're single. Now what?"

What do you mean, "Now what?"

Now I shave off an eyebrow

and take up with wolves.

What do you mean, "Now what?"

What do you mean, "Now what?"

I got a mortgage.

How about f*** b*tches, get money?

[cheering]

It's so stupid.

[cheering and applause]

What upsets me is that women

spend so much time and energy

flogging themselves mentally

for being single,

and changing and trying different methods

and looking for guys.

And men don't have to do that.

They have the luxury of relaxing

because they don't have eggs.

There are no articles in GQ like,

"You're single. Now what?"

There's none of that.

The answer would always be, "Now I can

jerk off where I want. No-one bugs me.

# Sandwich."

[laughter and applause]

The good part about traveling for

the last year, I've had time for myself.

[laughter]

More time from my research.

- I don't do research.

- [laughter]

- I just watch TV.

- [laughter]

But I wear a lab coat while I do it

for the tax write-off.

[laughter]

Before we get out of here,

before we conclude this TED Talk...

[laughter]

Does everybody here watch Shark Tank?

[cheering and applause]

So...

All I want, all I want,

is a live episode of Shark Tank.

That's what I want. A live episode.

It's a reality show.

But if you watch it, you'll notice

it's heavily edited, heavily produced,

and what bothers me...

is the presentations from

the entrepreneurs are too polished.

There's no grit to them. They come out

like a fifth-grade Thanksgiving pageant.

"The natives called it maize.

We bottled it."

I don't wanna see that, okay?

I want to see you mess up.

I wanna see you trip.

Maybe you forget your words.

Maybe you chip a tooth. I wanna see you

crumble as an entity before my eyes.

Only then will I tolerate you rising

from the ashes with any degree of hubris.

That's the way to consume

American reality TV.

The sheer schadenfreude of watching

someone sh*t themselves on TV

and then building them back up.

That's what we like to see. Okay?

[cheering and applause]

These are cattle farmers

from the middle of Iowa

and they get in front of a camera

and suddenly they're Winston Churchill?

I don't buy it, okay?

I speak for a living and even I mess up,

so there's no way

these two f***ing dye jobs from ASU

with, like, a new take on cookies,

there's no way!

[laughter]

Flawlessly orating.

There are three archetypes of women

that they like to have on Shark Tank.

They love to have moms,

because most of us have moms.

[laughter]

But what's crazy and, like, creepy

is that all the moms on Shark Tank

have the exact same voice.

[laughter]

It's a little Stepfordian.

They all sound like this.

[in perky voice] "Hi, Sharks.

My name's Nancy from Laguna Niguel

and I've discovered a new way to get

your toddler to eat their blueberries."

[jabbers]

[laughter and cheering]

[cheering and applause]

Then they have really smart women.

They do. They'll have brilliant women.

But it seems that the smarter the woman,

the longer the last name.

Like, they'll hyphenate their last names.

I can't stand hyphenated last names.

If you're in this room and you've got

a hyphenated last name, chop it in half!

[laughter]

Okay? You're not Spanish royalty. Chop it!

[laughter]

I barely care about your first name.

[laughter]

Let alone

the entire questionable heritage.

When you have a hyphenated last name,

all that makes me think is that

mama was a big old strong lesbian

and she didn't wanna

give up her family inheritance

so she begrudgingly married your father,

now they have separate twin beds

and are co-women's studies professors

at Wellesley.

[laughter and applause]

It's also just so much information.

I'm trying to hear you,

your valuation, listen to the equity,

and you're coming up there

with a phonebook, like, "Hi, Sharks.

My name's

Michelle-Lida-Julia Freeman-Cereal."

"And I'm Rebecca-Lynn-Stacey

Fitzgerald-Yang.

And together, we sound like five dudes."

Like, it's a lot... of information.

Are you inventors or a law firm?

Like, what is that?

[laughter]

And then in the final category,

the toy category, we have the hot women.

Not attractive. Not cute.

F***ing hot. Teeth, tan, tits, hair.

"Sharks!"

[laughter]

Sometimes they do this.

They'll have very smart woman on the show.

Sometimes it feels like the hotter

the woman, the dumber the product.

And I believe it's done

to keep us in line.

But... a lot of the time, the women's

products have to do with two categories.

It's either wrangling your femininity.

"Sharks, it's a flap you put

over your vagina

so no one knows you have one."

[laughter]

"Move through the workplace with ease."

[laughter]

Or it's a product so stupid,

it will just confirm

any preconceived notions you might have

about female intelligence.

Like, "Sharks, it's a shower cap

that you can wear while you're cooking

so your hair doesn't smell!"

[imitates gun firing] No!

[laughter]

[applause]

You just set us back, like, a week

with that sh*t, Lexi.

[laughter]

But that's the one

that I'd like to see live.

The hot one.

Because I believe

watching an attractive woman

mentally unravel...

[laughter]

on national television

is the reason we all watch reality TV.

[laughter]

"Up next are two sisters

from Scottsdale, Arizona,

with a new take on popcorn."

[sings Shark Tank music]

[laughter]

[sings Shark Tank music]

Jiggle, jiggle.

[laughter]

"Hi, Sharks! My name's Madison."

Duh. They're always named Madison, right?

"And this is my sister, Michaela."

They're always named Michaela.

F***ing obviously.

"And together,

we are the inventors, creators

and CEOs of...

[whispers] Put your back against mine."

[laughter]

"CEOs of...

[whispers] Put your f***ing back

against mine.

What the f*** are you doing?

What the f*** are you doing?

We do this then we do the product, yes?

Oh, my f***ing goodness!

We haven't done the product yet.

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