Iliza Shlesinger: Confirmed Kills Page #10

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We can't. We can't start over.

That's what that light is.

That's f***ing live, b*tch. Yes!"

[laughter]

"We can't... Can we start over?"

"No."

"I got nothing."

[laughter]

"Oh, my God, I'm not yelling at you!

I'm not yelling at you.

I'm not making it about me!

Do not do this here! It's f***ing live TV!

I'm not making it about me!

You're making it about me

making it about you making it about me!

I am trying to make this... Oh, my God.

Okay. Just stay there. I will do it.

I will do it. Just stay there.

It's fine. Stay there. I will handle it.

Stay there, you f***ing casualty.

Okay, the other day,

my sister and I were at home

eating popcorn and crying,

and we got down to the bottom of the bag.

And, shake, shake, shake,

what was left at the bottom?

All the unpopped kernels.

That's when my sister and I

decided that we should...

Put your f***ing back..."

[laughter and applause]

"Against mine.

Put your f***ing back against mine!

What the f*** are you doing?

I am trying... No! No!

You're not gonna f***ing do this

to me again!

I am trying to keep this family together!

Do you not understand that?

No, this is not about me!

I am trying to help!

This is nothing like when Daddy died!

You are being a b*tch!

I am trying to keep this family...

She does this! She does this every time!

Everybody's gonna know

that you're a f***ing...

I wasn't flirting with your husband!

You are so f***ing insecure!

Because I slept with your boyfriend

in high school

and he turned out to be gay!

No, it wasn't your fault!

Big f***ing deal!

He wanted to talk about your birthday

so that f***ing Michaela could turn 40

for the third time!

You're a f***ing b*tch! I need a minute!

I need a f***ing minute! I need...

I need a Madison minute! Hold on!

[sniffs] I'm f***ing good.

I'm f***ing good!

Let's f***ing do it! You wanna go?

Sh*t. I don't care. I am trying....

I am not... I can't. I can't. Why are

the walls bleeding? I can't do this.

I can't f***ing do this. I can't do it.

You being a... I sh*t. I sh*t my pants.

Oh, good news. It's not sh*t. It's blood!

It's blood, you f***ing monster!

I am trying... I can't... No.

You know what? I am keeping it together.

I am the stable one!

I am keeping it... I am not...

I am not yelling!

I am not yelling. I am not yelling.

Huh? What? Yes, it's a hive.

This happens.

It happens every time you open

your f***ing whore mouth! Yes, I know!

And I'm trying...

I'm a good feminist.

I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry! My tan is dripping off.

I am not..."

[hyperventilates]

"I am not...

I am not... [exhales]

I am not yelling. I am not yelling!

- I am using..."

- [laughter]

"I am using the vocabulary

that Dr. Goldstein told us to use."

[laughter]

"I am requesting..."

[screams]

"that you....

hear... my..."

[laughter]

"desire... to communicate...

in an open way...

and put your f***ing back against mine!

She's ruining it!

She's ruining everything!"

[hyperventilates]

"She's ruining it. This is a big deal.

We put everything...

We put everything into this company!"

"Did you really?" "No, but my mom did."

[laughter]

"I am trying to keep it together.

Everybody depends on me

because we spent all of our money

on our first company and it shat the bed."

"What was your first company?"

"I'm gonna tell them."

[laughter]

"I'm gonna tell them

and you're gonna look like

the f***ing psycho b*tch that you are.

Everyone's gonna know. I'm gonna...

I'm gonna tell the cameras.

Is this camera still on? Good."

[laughter]

[laughter]

"F*** you."

[laughter]

"Do you remember when...

Um... F***, it's, like,

stuck right here in my nose."

[sniffs and gasps]

- [laughter]

- "Uhh!

Do you remember when, um,

our country went through a recession,

and everybody was losing their homes

and their money?

My sister and I decided that rather

than save up or go back to school,

we would do what every other girl

without a marketable skill did,

we... opened up a cupcake company."

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

"I don't know if you noticed,

but during the recession,

there was a f***ing boom

in the confection industry!

That's because it doesn't take

a f***ing rocket science degree

to sh*t out, like, an okay cupcake.

And, like,

no one's gonna say no to a cupcake.

People will spend their last dollar.

They're not gonna be like, "No,"

they'll be like,

"A cupcake. My day's okay for a minute."

And we were feeding people these cupcakes

and they were upside-down on their houses

and they were jobless and we were feeding

these depressed people cupcakes.

And it's a scientific fact

that obesity and depression

have a direct correlation, and we were

just feeding the belly of the beast

from within the belly of the beast

and capitalizing off of it.

People needed answers.

They needed a viable option for credit,

not a buttercream... Put your f***ing back

against mine! I swear to Christ, Michaela,

if you ruin this for me,

I will f*** your husband!

Screw it! Cut!

I should've been a mermaid!"

[cheering and applause]

[dance music]

Pack your hip!

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