Ill Manors Page #9

---

- D*ckhead!

Get off!

(Shouting)

Get off!

F*** you! F*** you!

- Get the f*** out!

- D*ckhead! F*** off!

D*ckheads!

Come with me, Jody. I need your help.

- Can Ashley come?

- Nah.

- All right. I'll call you later. Bye.

- Bye.

Come here.

They always f***in' try it. Always.

We're smashed in here, Jody.

I'll see you in a bit, yeah?

- Oi...

- Yeah?

You're not gonna find her, you know.

(Sighs)

(Door shuts)

(Mobile vibrates)

Yeah?

(Ed) 'You still f***in' about

tryin' to find that yoot's mum?'

- Yeah.

- 'I've sorted it, man.

'Come see me down the Essex, innit?

Bring the yoot with you, yeah?'

I'm a bit nervous to be honest, love.

What you got to be nervous about?

We'll sort this out.

- How much is in there?

- It don't matter, does it?

Come on.

- I don't know. How old is she?

- I haven't got a clue, honey.

All right? Thanks, darlin'.

Oh, my God! She's lovely!

- What's goin' on?

- She's gorgeous!

- Come through, bruv.

- Take that, man. Take that.

- Bruv...

- It's cool, man. Cool.

- You want this mess sorted out, yeah?

- Yeah.

Well, I was speaking to Vince...

- (Carol) She's lovely!

- And Carol can't have kids.

That's a kid whose mother

doesn't want it, bruv.

She does, man. Problem solved.

What is this, bruv?

What the f*** do you think

is in there?

What the f*** you doin', bruv?

F*** that, bruv.

That's not your baby, man.

Don't worry! Don't worry!

- Bruv, that's not your baby.

- Come on, bruv!

What the f*** is the matter

with you, man?

Don't worry, darlin'.

Just give us a minute, yeah?

- What you actin' like a little b*tch for?

- Who the f*** are you, bruv, Jeremy Kyle?

- What, you shook?

- Nah.

- Think this is coming back to you?

- You can't give someone's baby away!

And to f***ing Vince and Carol?

Are you mad?

We were f***in' sellin' crackwhores

to him the other day!

She's gonna look after it, not him.

Can you see it over there, man?

She's gonna be lovin'.

- See her fuss over it?

- That's not the real mum!

Where is the real mum, hm?

- Where's the real mum, bruv?

- I'm f***in' lookin'!

You been lookin' for her.

Have you found her yet, hm?

Nah, bruv, you ain't found her

cos she don't wanna be found, man.

Be real. She's gone.

She ain't coming back, bruv.

So we've got two options now, yeah?

Either we let them take this now, yeah?

Or we call social services.

You wanna call social services?

And they'll go and give this baby

to some other Vince and Carol.

- Nah, man.

- What difference is it gonna make to us?

Hm? To us?

Apart from this.

- I can't f***in' take that, bruv.

- Open it up, bruv.

Do you see that, bruv?

This is so f***ed up! You know that?

Bruv, there's four grand there. Each.

Yeah?

- Come.

- Get off me, bruv.

- F***in' hell.

- I told you I'd sort it, man.

What am I gonna say to everybody?

We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Don't worry about that yet. Hello!

Everythin' all right, yeah?

Is he all right?

- Yeah, he's all right. All right?

- Yeah, yeah.

(Door shuts)

F***!

F***!

(sighing)

- Where's my bag?

- What bag? What you talkin' about?

My bag with my stuff in it!

Look at the place! It's a shithole.

- What you doin'?

- Just geftin' my stuff!

You ain't got anything?

I've got a little you can have,

but don't tell anyone we were here!

- No, of course not.

- Here.

All right, boss? 10 electric, yeah?

(Michelle) You're gonna have half of that

and you give me the rest back.

- Of course!

- Michelle!

- What?

- Michelle!

- Look!

- Who is it?

- Him, him, him!

- Come on.

Come on!

- Where is it?

- What the f***!

I can't believe you sold

a f***ing baby!

Actually... yeah, I can.

F*** you! I've been walking around all day

looking for this one, all right?

I told you

I couldn't bring it to the f***ing feds.

You didn't want it back before,

did you?

It's done now. I'm sorry.

What were you gonna f***in' do? Take

the baby and go back to being a tramp?

(Sniffs)

All right, listen, listen.

If I go through all this stress,

I lose my f***ing money over it, everything,

then you got to chat

to someone proper, yeah?

Nice lady.

She'll sort it all out. She knows people.

My social worker.

That's how it's running.

Deal?

Deal.

All right, then.

All right, wait here.

Don't go f***in' stealing anything.

Shithousel

So I'm f***in' her, right?

This baby will not stop f***in' crying.

It's givin' it the f***in' big licks.

Shut it up, yeah?

I'm losing my f***in' hard-on here.

She's like... (mimics Russian accent)

It's a baby. Babies cry.

(Laughter)

I'm like, "How about f*** off?"

Yeah? I'm doin' one.

- Oi!

- Oh, hello! You all right?

(Laughs)

- What's goin' on there?

- I don't know.

You wanna go and party? Yeah?

- Where's my f***ing gun?

- What's the matter with you, bruv?

Listen, listen. You've been storing drugs

in the pub, right?

- What?

- In the toilet in the f***ing pub!

Yes, man.

Either you or your idiot bredren have got

my f***ing gun and I need it back.

Do you understand me?

I need it back.

You've got two hours to get me my gun back

or I'm gonna burn down people's houses.

All right, man. All right.

(Music plays downstairs)

(Pants)

(Sings)

(Mobile rings)

- Who's that?

-- I dunno..

- Hello.

- I'm gone.

All right, I'll call you tomorrow.

You all right?

F***!

Come on. You'll be all right.

That's it.

Carol?

- Carol?

- Yeah?

- Come here!

- (Whispers) Oh, bloody hell!

He's always spoiling things, isn't he, eh?

- Carol!

- All right!

Get the baby, put her in the bedroom

and stay in there, all right?

All right!

(Whispers) I'll be back in a minute.

Are you f***in' off your rocker or what?

Pain in the bloody arse! F***in' hell!

(snores)

What you doin' bringing that f***in' whore

in my pub with my missus upstairs?

- I've got a good reason.

- It had better be!

Let me sort it out then.

(Carol) What's goin' on?

Oi, listen, I'll explain, yeah?

Basically, a bit of a...

Ed should never have sold you the baby.

I didn't want to, but when I came down here,

I didn't know this was gonna happen.

I spent the whole day looking for the mum

and that's her.

And she wants the baby back.

She was turning tricks with some heavy

f***ing Russians who got her banged up.

She thought they were gonna kill the baby.

So she f***ing left it on the train.

(snores)

Now here's the money and I'll give you

the rest of it when I get in touch with Ed.

Now you've got to give the baby back

cos she ain't yours.

- She ain't havin' the baby back. I'm sorry.

- Yes, she is.

You know what?

That is f***ing brilliant, pal!

A bit elaborate. You know what I mean?

You came in here three hours ago.

I give you eight f***ing bags for a baby

and now you want the baby back

with half the money?

What a f***ing prize c*nt or what?

Look at her. Done up very well.

Yeah, looks good, innit?

Russian gangsters, babies on trains

and where the f***'s Ed?

You walk in with Ed.

Am I gonna get four grand back off Ed?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes