Imagine Me & You

I want something that says,

"I'm sorry he's dead...

"but not that sorry.

"He was just a dog and you shouldn't

have loved him more than me."

Can you do me a bunch that says that?

Rachel, darling,

tell your father he can't wear that suit.

He looks nice.

- You look nice.

- Thank you, poppet.

Seen better-dressed crab.

I have a question.

Oh, God, will somebody please put

a gag on my daughter?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

Nobody knows, nobody cares. So, for once

in your little life, would you just...

What do you think?

- Holy wow.

- Oh, darling.

You look like a meringue.

Good.

- You're late.

- Balls.

- What's the job?

- Wedding.

- You always pull.

- One of us has to.

- Nice couple?

- Haven't met them.

- All about the mother.

- Isn't it always?

- Come out with me afterwards.

- Sure.

- You will?

- Absolutely.

- Oh, cool. Well, we'll go together.

- I'll meet you there.

- You're not coming.

- My favorite advert's on TV.

- You need a love life.

- I have a "like" life. It suits me fine.

No, I feel good, actually, bizarrely good.

Yeah, yeah, no nerves at all.

None whatsoever. Thanks.

- Thank you very much. Thank you.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- You're Hector, right, the groom?

Yeah, yeah, I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Call me Heck.

- Well, I did your flowers.

- Oh, did you?

Oh, well, they're fabulous.

Aren't they, Coop?

Fabulous, yeah. Although, I wouldn't know

a nice flower from a poke in the eye.

But they're fabulous, aren't they, Coop?

So, Ned, how long

have you guys been married, then?

Thirty years.

If I'd killed her when I first thought

about it, I'd be out by now.

A free man.

I remember all the way to the church

I just wanted to shout...

"Stop the car! This is a horrible mistake."

But you can't, can you?

So, you just sit there, say nothing...

as the wheels keep turning,

leading you on to the longest sentence...

Stop the car! I forgot to pee.

All right, panic over.

They're here now.

- Good luck, chum.

- All right, Tessa? You all right?

- Hi, Heck.

- Hi, babe.

You want some help with this thing?

Yes.

I do work out, yes.

- Don't have a six-pack.

- No?

- No, 12-pack on this puppy.

- I don't really like men with muscles.

The bonus is, though, I'm very...

I'm very sensitive, too.

Heck, I've got a question.

Not now.

What's the question, H?

What happens when an unstoppable force

meets a immovable object?

I haven't got a bastard clue, I'm afraid.

There you are, you see.

Now we can let him get married in peace.

It never happens.

If there's a thing that can't be stopped...

it's not possible for there to be something

else which can't be moved, and vice versa.

They can't both exist.

You see, it's a trick question...

is the answer.

Can she sit with me?

- So what am I doing here?

- When do fish sleep?

- She's coming round, is she?

- She is coming.

Of course she is.

Yep.

When? When's she coming?

- What's your name, anyway?

- Everyone calls me "H."

They tell me it's short for Henrietta,

but it's not.

It's short for Jesus "H" Christ.

That's what my mummy said when she

found out she was pregnant with me.

Isn't Heck handsome?

- I fancy that flower girl.

- Yeah, yeah, I know you do.

She likes me, right?

I got a vibe that she likes me.

Coop, it's my wedding day.

Can we talk about me?

Sure, yes.

Did you get the vibe

that she likes me?

Right, last one to the altar's a sissy.

- Well, this is it.

- Wish me luck.

Wish you luck?

It's a wedding.

Bridesmaids always blow weddings.

- Wish me luck.

- Good luck.

She's here.

Okay, you're sorted.

I'm gonna set up the reception.

Excuse me.

- All good?

- Always.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here

in the sight of God...

and in the face of this congregation...

- You look beautiful.

...to join together this man...

and this woman in holy matrimony.

Congratulations!

Please keep your arms by your side.

It's like dancing with a gibbon.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Over here!

- Hi.

- Hi.

- We haven't met. I'm Luce.

- Rachel.

- I did your flowers.

- You did? My flowers are nice.

Anyway, I was just gonna get...

a drink.

I wouldn't.

What, is there something wrong?

I'm here to help.

My ring. I was getting some

of this punch crap and...

- Your wedding ring?

- It fell off.

Off and in there.

My wedding ring is in there.

- And you tried the ladle?

- Nothing.

- And you can't empty...

- No.

No, it's too big.

- Right. Only one thing to do. Cover me.

- What?

Use the dress. I'm going in.

You can't just... Oh, yes, really, you can.

Hi.

They say white's the color of virgins.

If I know Hector, the only thing virgin

round here is the olive oil.

The old jokes really are the best,

aren't they?

I'm Rob. Hector works underneath me,

but not in the biblical sense.

You're just like he described.

Now, I need booze.

I've just met a cracking filly...

thought I'd grease the passage,

so to speak.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- This is Luce. She's a florist.

- Name's Rob.

- But you can call me anything you'd like.

- And I'm sure I will.

Mac, can you do me a favor and give me

something that's soft and smooth, yeah?

Hey, H, H. Why don't you go visit with

your friends, they all miss you.

Okay.

Our turn for this dance, I think.

- We fit nice, don't we, together?

- Yes.

Let me just come... Oh, that's...

- You okay?

- Yep. Bit tight there, Coop.

I lost my virginity to this song.

I love dancing with you.

Hello, everybody.

Is this... Is this thing... Is this thing on?

Cooper, there you are.

Get this berk off the microphone

and make a proper speech.

Unaccustomed...

- What are you doing?

...as I am, to public speaking.

Problem now.

Anyway, these guys are in love...

and I think that that's boring.

They've been in love for years, years!

Years that have seen endless amounts

of drugs consumed...

and meaningless sex

thoroughly enjoyed by me!

They just stayed at home, as they do.

They've been like a married couple

for so many years...

it's a relief that they're finally married.

So, before I do my duty as best man

and shag a bridesmaid...

you know who you are...

I would like to raise a glass

to Rachel and Hector.

May they grow old together

sharing the same pillow.

Rachel and Hector.

Rachel and Hector.

Oh, and, now, this is a very big deal.

Some say the reason it's taken him

this long to get married is his fear...

of making just this speech,

but he's making it now!

He's not sure he can do it,

I know he can do it.

Please put it together repeatedly,

here's Hecky!

I know something that helps, Hector.

Imagine everybody naked.

Hi, everyone. I'm Heck...

and welcome to my wedding.

So, I'm glad you're all here

looking at me because...

'cause I want to tell you

how much I love Rachel.

What an amazing, wonderful,

uniquely fantastic person she is.

- Do you want to keep going?

- No, no, I think you're doing great.

Okay, so this is me now.

I've been looking forward

to this day all my life.

And I'm glad to share it

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