Imperfections Page #3

I could be sitting on

a giant pile of money

like a f***ing fortune.

- Okay, but

- but customs seized it

at the airport because

the secret ingredient

wasn't exactly legal.

So I've got 80

cases sitting in a

homeland security

warehouse at O'Hare.

- Oops.

- Yeah.

I talked to a lawyer

who says he could help

but he wants 15,000 up

front as a retainer,

and then like another

80k to get it approved.

Every dollar I could borrow

went to buying this sh*t.

I need more than just taking

a little bit out

of each pay check.

I need a score.

- Oh, a score.

You're gonna knock over

a 7-11 or something?

- I wanna talk to

you about something,

and I want you to know

that you can say no

and I'm not gonna get mad

or fire you or anything.

But I have a way that we

could make some serious money.

But it's shady.

- I'm not necessarily

opposed to shady.

- So let's say you're

making a delivery,

and let's say you get robbed.

Well, the insurance

company pays out the loss,

and the business

doesn't get hurt.

- Okay.

- But let's say

when you get robbed

instead of giving the robber

the stones you were carrying

you give him some dummy package.

He thinks he's

getting the stones,

but he's actually getting fakes.

- And I keep the real ones.

- That's right,

and then I sell them

and we split the money.

- Couldn't we just

say I got robbed

and do the same thing?

- These insurance people

they don't f*** around.

It has to be real.

We need a police report,

hopefully an eyewitness.

If you get caught defrauding

an insurance company,

it's no joke.

I'm talking orange

jump suit time.

You don't get to play

tennis in Wisconsin.

But if the robbery is real,

then nobody is

defrauding anyone.

The robber just gets

something that isn't valuable,

and the insurance company

pays out such a small amount

that it's just like a

blip on their radar.

It's virtually a

victimless crime.

Thanks.

Here's the thing though

I need you to get robbed.

I mean I could hire

somebody to do it,

but then we would

have to cut him in.

Plus he could get picked

up for somebody else

and then he could rat me out.

We gotta minimize our risk.

- Couldn't I just

be super obvious

when I'm making my

deliveries or something?

- That would take too long.

It's gotta be somebody who

knows what you do for a living,

is a little sketchy,

and would maybe break the

law to make some extra money.

- Oh, my god ray.

- How much of a dirt bag is he?

- No, no, no, no

he wouldn't do it.

- Why what does he do?

- He's a pretty

unsuccessful drug dealer.

- I can see why he wouldn't

wanna mess with that.

- He likes me.

He's not gonna rob me.

- How hard can it be for

a professional actress

to convince a drug dealer

to do somebody immoral?

I like that.

- I gotta say you don't

look much like a handleman.

- Well, truth be told I'm not.

My dad changed our name when

he got into the business

so people would take

him more seriously.

We used to be the Campbells.

- Seriously?

- Yep.

- How could you let him do that?

- I was like two they

didn't consult me.

- This is

oh, my god, oh my god

this is totally gonna work.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'm gonna make it happen.

I'll call ray in the morning.

Maybe I try to make

him think that if

he had money I'd take him back.

I'm not even sure that's a

lie to tell you the truth.

- Will that work?

- Ray's a f*** up,

but he loves me

and apparently I am

a terrible person.

- I don't think

we should do this.

Just not right now, okay.

I just think we need to

keep our heads on straight

keep clear headed

right now, okay.

I'm not saying no at all just

just not now, okay.

- Yeah, totally.

Thank you for dinner.

- Yeah.

Bye.

Dammit.

Hey, I'll be there

in 20 minutes.

How much do you have?

This is a fake.

Chain is brass, this is glass.

Real, ish.

- What do you mean "ish"?

- That there's a ton of flaws.

Actually it's a

really shitty diamond.

- Thank you, thank you.

I know what the

word flaws means.

How much?

- 400.

- No.

Let's do 800

unless you'd rather

go down to the tip top

and talk to Lil pop directly.

- You take all the cash

and just give it to him.

You don't put any

in your pocket?

- What happens on my end is

none of your f***ing business.

- Look how long we've

been doing this?

You and I we make decent

walking around money

out of this arrangement

or it doesn't work.

Don't be greedy.

I'll give you 550,

but that's it.

- Damn, what they say

about your people is true.

- That we're excellent dancers.

- No, that's farfetched.

- Okay, 1650 including

the bracelet?

- Yep.

It's 10:
30.

- Alright thank you.

One of you go get

the car, please.

- They got a bathroom I can use?

- No, hold it.

- Come on man be a f***ing pro.

- There's a bathroom

right down the hall.

- I'm teaching them a

lesson in self-control.

- This is 2600.

- I must have contracted

some exotic parasite

that affects my hearing.

- Look I can't buy all

this stuff and pay you,

and but if you give

me until Friday,

I can do both.

- Alex, look you realize

you're only paying the points.

You're even touching

the principal.

- Spare me the

economics lesson, okay.

- You stupid little, b*tch.

You know, you have

some terrible manners

for somebody asking for a favor.

Alright see now I

have to go to pop

and ask him to be patient

because you're a

spendthrift motherf***er.

Dude, you are

setting yourself up

for a conversation with a person

with a more limited

vocabulary than mine.

- So, I run back inside and

grab a box like a shoe box

and put a t-shirt

in the bottom of it

and come back outside

and gently lift this

little guy up and

put him in the box.

I should remind you that I'm

f***ing terrified of birds

like Tippi Hedren

level stressed.

- Yeah, I remember

when that pigeon

chased you off the bench.

- Anyway, so I gently

lift this little guy up

and put him in the box

and he is so small.

I mean he weighed like

nothing, like colored air.

Then I have this swell of love

like a father's love for it.

So I lift the little guy up,

and I put him in the box.

I bring the box inside and

put the box by the window

with the sun shining on it,

try to warm him up a bit.

I'm feeling like Saint

Francis all heroic.

I look up the number for animal

control I think it's called.

I tell them I've

got an injured bird

that flew into my

window and of course

yes, you can have that.

Of course they think

I've gone gorilla tits

and they tell me there's

nothing they can do about it.

Just make sure he's

in a safe place,

and he'll either get

better or he won't

which means, yeah, of course.

So I go back inside and

go over to the window,

and the box is empty.

What the f***?

That's when I hear

this noise like this

this like low growling

noise like.

I forgot Joe has a cat Mortimer.

Manky little thing stays

under the bed all day.

Swear I've seen him

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