Imperfections Page #4

twice since I moved in,

and Mortimer is batting

this poor little bird

around the apartment like

- oh, god.

- Jimmy f***ing Conners

whack, whack, whack.

So I run over to get

the cat off of him,

and trip on Joe's poncey

f***ing skateboard

and bang my arm on the radiator.

Now that's how I did it.

Fractured wrist.

- Poor buddy.

- He was pretty badly

hurt to begin with.

I probably just

hastened his demise.

- I meant you, dummy.

- Yeah, well, patron

Saint of last causes.

- Long shots.

- You know that thing's been

expunged from my record now.

- Come on, man.

- Get of me.

F***er, don't you put

your hands on her again.

Apparently he got his

vision back in that eye,

so that's a bonus.

Yeah, 60 hours of anger

management it actually helped.

Apparently my anger is

borne out of frustration.

- What about art?

- I've made some stuff.

- Yeah.

- Working mostly construction

almost full time making

decent coin for once.

In fact, your eggs are on me.

- I actually got it covered.

I have a new job

too as you know.

- Yeah, sorry about that.

What do you do there anyway?

- Can you keep a secret?

- No.

- Well, then I'm

not gonna tell you.

- My hand to god.

- Alright I am a runner

for a diamond importer.

- No way.

What exactly is that?

- Well, I basically

walk around downtown

by myself delivering diamonds.

- You're kidding no security.

Do you carry a pistol?

- Just me and my wiles.

Anyway they're

insured out the WAZ.

First sign of danger I'm supposed

to drop the stuff quick.

- Jesus.

- I don't know I feel

like I should get a friend

to stage a robbery keep

the diamonds for myself.

God knows I could use the money.

A little financial

stability would solve like

98% of my problems.

- Well, if you get caught

I know three shitty lawyers

and an excellent bail bondsman.

- You're late.

- I'm early it's

eight minutes till.

- Are you sure?

Am I fast?

- This thing gets

its time from space so.

What do you got for me today?

- Three this morning I don't

know about this afternoon.

- Okay, I'm gonna need

to take an early lunch.

I have a 11:
30 audition.

- I'm sorry these hours

too taxing for you?

Should I have another

courier standing by on salary

in case you have

scheduling problems?

- What's the matter?

- I have a audition,

a really big one.

- What do you care?

- Well, just tell me

how it's gonna work

now that we're in

second position

to the young lady's dreams?

Are you gonna be

schlepping stones again?

Am I gonna be doing this

and running around

like a Vilde Chaya?

If our creditors show up today,

I'd be in an audition of my own

at the bottom of

the Chicago river.

- It's her lunch hour.

What are we running

a plantation here?

Go.

- Big shot.

- Thank you.

Here you are you're

going here first

722 state street 12 floor.

Hey, come here.

Hey.

- Hi.

- Hi.

So how'd it go did

you talk to him?

- Yeah, I just had

breakfast with him.

I laid the foundation.

- Just the foundation?

- Well, it's in motion

I can't over sell it.

- Okay, take this.

- What's this?

- It's the dummy stones.

It's called Moissanite.

It's really hard to tell the

difference even for a pro.

- Well, what am I

supposed to do with it?

- Keep it in your pocket at all

times always every delivery.

When he finally decides

to take the bait

or had somebody else

do it our whatever,

then you give him this one

and you swallow the real one.

- Swallow it?

- I'm kidding.

Sorry.

Anyway just keep it on

you in different pockets.

- I don't need it yet.

- No, I want you to

get in the habit.

You never know when

it's gonna come, okay.

Let's practice.

Stick them up.

I'm serious stick them up.

Give me the stones.

- Okay, okay, okay.

- That's the real one.

- No, it's not.

- Yes, it is.

Look from now on always

keep the real one

in your right pocket.

- Okay, sorry.

- We're not gonna have

multiple shots at this.

Get your head in the game, okay.

Sorry I'm being a little harsh.

- Okay.

- Okay, let's get out.

I don't want him to

suspect anything let's go.

- No.

- That's not it.

- Hold on a second we're gonna

need more energy than that.

Considerably more.

- Yeah, bring it on.

- So do it again.

- Yep, anytime you're ready.

- And now.

- What time did your husband

come home that night?

- Does she look like a cop?

- No, way too hot.

- Yeah.

- But she looks

like she parties.

- Yeah, I think

she probably does.

- You do right?

You party a little bit?

Yeah.

- Sorry.

- So let's see some of that.

A little of that

energy bring it up.

- You're among friends.

- Yeah.

- Do this with energy.

- What time did your husband

come home that night?

- Yeah I don't know.

- I do.

- Yes.

Your mother's making

me lasagna tonight.

You gonna join us for dinner?

- No, don't worry I'll be

out till at least 11 or 12.

- Owe you one.

See you in the funny pages.

You, I need those tax forms

for October by tomorrow.

- Yep.

So warm, isn't he?

What are you up to tonight?

- I'm actually

going out with ray.

- Nice.

You gonna dial it up a bit?

- I told you I'm working on it.

- You know I have to

admit I'm not thrilled

about the idea of you

going out with him.

- Well, it was your idea.

- Yeah, well, a lot of

my ideas are f***ed.

- I thought we

weren't doing this?

He's downstairs I gotta go.

- Have a terrible time.

- What is that?

- What this hat?

I think it belonged to my uncle.

- No, dummy, that thing

you're leaning against.

- Oh, that.

That is a finely

tuned automobile

that I recently acquired.

- Holy sh*t you bought a car.

- In fact I did.

Told they call it a Cadillac.

- How, where?

- That lot on Cicero with

the big inflatable eagle.

- Low credit, no credit

that commercial is so

f***ing depressing.

- And yet their open

mindedness about credit

histories is everything

they said it was.

- How much?

- Never get in.

- It's comfortable.

- Yeah, but I think a fat

person used to drive it though.

It's a bit lumpy over there.

Look I have to admit

purchasing this

automobile has left me

a bit of cash poor

at the moment.

I intend to show you

what an excellent

cheap date looks like.

- Bring it on.

- You should probably

put you seat belt on.

I learned to drive on the

other side of the road.

- This place is incredible.

- Yeah, isn't it.

My old roommate

Jeremy had an eel.

Came here with him once.

- I don't understand the

idea of a fish as a pet.

It's not enough action for me.

- That's you all action.

Actress by day, diamond

courier by day also.

How was work by the way?

- Fine.

I can't believe they

let me walk around

with that kind of loot.

I did a delivery today

of a stone that

was worth $55,000.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Sh*t.

- Yeah, just

walking it around in my pocket.

Can you imagine what we could

do with that kind of money?

- And there're stories

of people getting robbed

all the time.

- Yeah, it happens all

the time apparently,

but I'm just supposed

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