In and Out

---

"And

sunlight clasped the earth...

"and the moonbeams

kissed the sea.

"What are

all these kissings worth...

"if thou kiss not me?"

That's it.

- Mike.

- Mr. Brackett, OK.

That Cameron Drake guy,

did you really teach him?

Yes, I did.

Right here in this very room.

Question about the poem?

Yes, Meredith.

Did Cameron

have a girlfriend here?

- Please.

- Jack.

- Mr. Brackett.

- Vicky.

- Is this related to the poem?

- Oh, yeah.

You have a comment about English

literature or Romantic poetry?

- Absolutely.

- Let's hear it.

When Cameron went here...

and studied English literature

and Romantic poetry...

was he really cute?

No. He's had massive

surgery. A complete overhaul.

He was an iguana.

But, you know, he loved this poem.

Excuse me, Mr. Brackett.

Mr. Brackett.

Jack.

It's here.

From Indiana State.

And? Hey, Joe.

Will you open it?

It'll make it easier.

What if I...

I mean, I'm not gonna get in.

I bet it says, "Nice try, you moron.

"You loser, get out of here. "

That's not quite the way they put it.

Yes! You're in!

Full scholarship!

- Yes?

- Way to go!

Yes!

Shh, shh, shh.

Gentlemen,

Are we having a practice?

We can't, you know.

It's our coach.

He's getting married this week.

Yes, that's correct.

And he's drunk.

I'm drunk?

Pretty soon!

You guys!

Congratulations, Mr. Brackett!

You're so beautiful.

Howard?

You look exquisite.

I wish my folks were still here.

They never thought I'd marry.

We're your family now, dear.

I'm not just Howard's mom.

I'm yours.

Beware.

When you walked in...

I almost died.

I didn't recognize you.

She's worked hard.

Isn't she a knockout?

I was fat my whole life.

I was not going to waddle...

down that aisle.

When I saw...

Richard's Simmons' infomercial...

I love him.

Remember when he went

to that woman's house...

who lost over 400

pounds using the tapes?

Oh, yes.

I just thought, if

she can do it, so can I.

And you did.

Bridal Barn, we salute you.

It's a straitjacket.

It's a classic, the J-12.

Everybody's been stopping by,

revving up for your nuptials.

Look at this.

Oh, son, I don't know.

The Torm.

Thank you.

In just a few short days...

Emily and I will be married...

after three long years.

What, you may be asking,

was the problem?

You said it!

Well, Aunt Becky,

I think I have the answer.

I vowed I would not marry...

until Cameron Drake...

was nominated for an Oscar.

I thought I was safe.

Tonight's the night,

for Cameron, at least...

and so I'll let you all...

get back to your sets.

This Sunday, thanks to my mom...

and dad and Emily...

It's going to be...

the happiest day of my life.

Everything's coming up roses...

Wouldn't it be

extraordinary if Cameron wins?

I had him.

You did?

Yeah. I was a student teacher.

It was sophomore English.

He used to come every day

after school for extra help.

We spent the whole year...

reciting Romeo and Juliet to each other.

Oh, really?

Just the two of you?

He was just a student.

Hmm, well, all right.

Now, which channel?

Mmm. Who wants

movie-style buttery lite?

Me, I do.

Score pads and pencils.

Gretchen, what do you

have for Best Documentary?

Something about Polish

mine workers...

and their struggle to be free.

I hope

that nice Sally Field wins.

But she's not nominated.

Even so.

It's almost time.

Turn it on.

The place...

Hollywood, USA.

This is Peter Malloy for

Inside Entertainment...

inviting you to join me for

Hollywood's night of nights...

the 68th Annual Academy Awards.

Ladies and gentlemen...

here is another screen legend,

an Oscar winner herself...

Miss Whoopi Goldberg.

Whoopi!

I love you, Whoopi!

So, Whoop, Cameron Drake. His chances?

This kid is incredible. He is so sexy...

It's Cameron!

I adore him.

He is just the best there is.

It's Cameron Drake!

There he is. Look.

Cameron, Cameron!

Cameron, Cameron!

Cameron, Cameron, Cameron!

He is just so cool.

What is that on his chin?

Looks like a troll doll.

Did he just wake up?

Shut up.

Ladies and gentlemen, here comes

America's hottest young star...

and People Magazine's sexiest

man of the year, poor guy...

Cameron Drake.

- Hello.

- Hey.

Hey.

So, Cameron,

tonight's the big night.

All the marbles. Planet Cameron.

Right.

Uh, excuse me?

I said, right.

Everyone's saying that you

won't be going home empty-handed.

How do you feel about that?

And speak up.

Basically to me, awards are meaningless.

I'm an artist. It's about the work.

All the nominees are artists.

We shouldn't be forced

to compete like dogs.

I hear you. Good point.

Then why are you here?

In case I win.

Now we return to

the 68th Annual Academy Awards.

Coming up, the Oscar for

best performance by an actor.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Miss Glenn Close.

Now our final nominee for

Best Actor... Cameron Drake.

Cameron rocketed to stardom

with courage and charisma...

tackling the role

of a brave gay soldier...

in the breakthrough film

"To Serve and Protect. "

You're gonna make it, Danny.

I love you, Billy.

Wait. Do you love me as a

friend, or in another way?

Another way, Billy.

You mean as a brother?

No, another way.

You mean as a cousin?

No, another way.

You mean as a pen pal?

My legs hurt. Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Proceed.

Lieutenant Stevens...

you've been awarded

two purple hearts...

and a Congressional

Medal of Honor.

You saved the lives

of your entire unit.

However, your sergeant...

came across the following

items in your footlocker.

Will you kindly tell the

court if they are yours?

A letter to another soldier?

Oh, no.

Yes, sir.

A photograph signed,

"Danny, San Francisco"?

Yes, sir.

Finally, an autographed copy

of "Beaches... "

starring Bette Midler?

Give that back!

Discharge, dishonorable!

They're kicking him out.

That's not fair.

I mean, he killed people.

Mm-hmm.

Danny, I just don't know.

Did I do the right thing?

Ask him.

Well, Mr. President,

am I still a good American?

It's a statue, Billy.

Oh, Danny.

I love you.

Come on. Let's go home.

Billy.

Billy!

Billy!

Billy!

Oh, look. Here he is.

This is Cameron's

first nomination...

and he's in extremely

good company.

Tonight, he joins fellow

Best Actor nominees...

Paul Newman for "Coot... "

Clint Eastwood for "Codger... "

Michael Douglas

for "Primary Urges... "

and Steven Seagal for

"Snowball in Hell. "

And the winner is...

Cameron Drake,

"To Serve and Protect. "

Oh, my God!

Doofus! Doofus!

Doofus! Doofus!

Doofus! Doofus! Doofus!

That's our boy.

Look at him.

Oh, my God!

Thank you.

Thank you. Uh...

Wow.

Nice, man.

Nice.

I'd like to thank a great director...

an incredible cast...

my agent and my new agent...

but I'm just an actor

playing someone.

This really belongs to all

the gay soldiers and sailors...

and other guys and women

who defend this country...

to keep us free, but can't date.

So maybe I should thank someone else.

Someone who's really been there.

Someone who taught me a lot

about poetry and Shakespeare...

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