In and Out Page #2

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and just, like, you know,

staying awake, man.

Someone who's just an overall

great guy and teacher.

To Howard Brackett

from Greenleaf, Indiana.

Oh, my God!

Oh, wow.

I can't believe it.

And he's gay.

I've been thinking

a lot about this night...

and I've decided to dedicate

this whole night...

to a great gay teacher.

Mr. Brackett, we won!

Howard?

Hmm?

- Howard?

- Precious.

What's he talking about?

I have no idea!

What?!

Mom? Dad?

Is there something

you want to tell us?

Something about the wedding?

I'm not gay.

Ohh. Of course not.

No! No, no.

My son's not gay.

- No way!

- No how!

No dice!

- No, ma'am.

- No, sir!

But that boy on TV...

I don't know

what that was about.

I am outraged! I may sue!

That's right.

That's a good idea.

Get Johnnie Cochran,

not that woman.

Good idea.

Remember, he's been

in Hollywood a long time.

He may be under the influence

of something.

He may have joined a cult.

Oh, my lord.

That little zombie.

His family was...

I hate to say this...

but when they lived here, they

were not active in the PTA.

He used to mow our lawn.

Never again.

Howard,

we want you to know...

you're our son,

and we'll always love you...

gay, straight, red, green...

if you rob a bank,

if you kill someone.

If you get drunk, climb a tower,

and take out the town.

As long as you get married.

I need that wedding.

I need some beauty, music,

and place cards before I die.

It's like heroin.

Do you hear me?

Hmm?

Emily, can we give you a lift?

Oh.

Will you be all right?

Of course.

I'm fine.

We're getting married.

I love you.

Good night.

Hello.

No, I'm not.

Hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey.

Macho, macho man.

Macho man, yeah.

I've got to be...

a macho man.

I've got to be a...

There he is! That's him!

Howard! Howard!

Howard! Howard!

Do you have a boyfriend?

I am getting married!

I am not gay!

Do you know Ellen?

A teacher in trouble,

a town under siege...

a journey to the heartland.

Peter Malloy.

Stay tuned.

Howard!

Should gays be allowed

to handle fresh produce?

I don't care!

This is a classroom!

Class.

So, uh, where were we?

Romantic poetry. Shakespeare.

Talented, English, dead.

The sonnets.

"Shall I compare thee to a summer's gay?

"Thou art more lovely

and more temperate...

"Rough winds do shake the

darling buds of May, and... "

OK.

Let's get it into the open.

What's on your mind?

Is it... true?

Of course not!

I'm getting married

in three days!

See? I knew it!

Told you.

All right, class.

Why did he say it on TV

in front of the whole world?

Were you incredibly embarrassed?

Did you want to stick

a grenade in your mouth?

Class, class.

I don't know why he said it.

I've been trying

to figure that out.

That's not why we're here today.

- Mr. Brackett.

- Mike?

I've been thinking

about it all night.

Why would he say you were gay?

I got it figured out.

What have you got?

Look at you.

I beg your pardon?

No offense,

but you're an English teacher.

Exactly.

All this poetry and odes

and bonnets.

Sonnets?

And you're kind a prissy.

Prissy?

Not in a bad way.

I mean you're smart.

Well-dressed.

And really clean.

Doesn't look good.

Plus, you got the drama club,

and you ride that bicycle.

You've been engaged to Miss

Montgomery for three years.

What does that...

Think about it. You add it up,

of course he thinks you're gay!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Plus,

he was in that movie...

so his brain is, like,

already going that way...

and then he remembers you...

and he goes, "Smart, clean,

totally decent human being...

"gay!"

Gays in the space program?

Lesbians on Mars?

Excuse me.

Mr... Mr. Brackett.

Boys and girls.

Mr. Halliwell.

Howard, could, uh, could I...

Oh.

Class, excuse me.

The school is surrounded.

There are TV cameras, reporters.

See? They want pictures

of the gay guy!

I tried to reason with them.

I told them I was the

principal, and they...

they mocked me.

I'm sorry.

Could you talk to them?

Right away.

Class, page 58.

Learn all you can.

- Mr. Brackett.

- Yes?

Watch the hands.

Uh, good point.

Howard, are you gay?

Howard! Howard, please!

I'm sorry.

The jury's still out on this.

No way. He's been

here for how many years?

Come on. I always knew.

I say bravo.

It's a blow for freedom.

Good for Howard.

To quote Mr. Bob Dylan...

"How many roads must a man walk down...

"before we call him a man?"

Ed, don't. It's early.

Knew what?

And how many

seas must the white dove...

- Ed, please.

- Before she sleeps...

- Shut up, Ed!

- Trina.

We're talking about Howard.

Why are we

talking about Howard?

'Cause he likes dick.

Good morning, everyone.

How are you?

- Hey! Terrific!

- Fabulous.

Is that Xerox

still on the fritz?

- How are you, sunshine?

- Oh, fine.

Oh, look at you.

Dick who?

He's getting married

this week.

See? He's not gay.

I told you.

But think about it.

I mean, gay guys.

I don't wanna

think about it.

There's only two times

where it's OK to do gay stuff.

Two emergency situations.

What? Which situations?

Prison, when it's

a substitute, or guys in space.

Guys in space?

Not on purpose.

It just happens because

they're weightless...

and they float into each other

when they're asleep.

You're so lame.

I know it's wrong.

It's against, like, nature.

Basic plumbing.

What?

It's the human body.

It's divided up into

in-holes and out-holes.

Stuff is supposed to go in the

in-holes and out the out-holes.

But gay guys, they put

stuff in the out-holes.

Wait.

So is your mouth an in-hole?

Right. 'Cause you put

burgers in it and brew.

Unless you're sick, and puke.

Then it's an out-hole,

so it's wrong.

Guys, come on! Hustle!

You'll be late for class.

Let's go!

What's going on?

Mr. Brackett,

could you, like, excuse us?

Why?

Mike's being a jerk.

No. Just until

we're dressed and ready.

This has nothing to do

with the Oscars, does it?

No. Come on.

What is it, then?

Before the Oscars,

it was different.

I mean, you weren't...

I wasn't what?

Famous.

You guys.

Peter Malloy, network.

No, no, no. No more interviews.

I have nothing to say.

I have no comments.

I have no thoughts

on gay marriage...

I didn't see "The Birdcage. "

I'm having dinner.

Of course. I'm sorry.

You should be.

Why are you sitting?

You people. Have some decency.

You've been hounding me all day.

At my school, at my home.

You should be ashamed

of yourselves.

I am. Those leeches.

They have no right

to pry into your life.

They're sleazy.

I don't know.

I like that Barbara Walters.

Did Barbara call you?

No.

Howard.

- Howard!

- No!

Oh, Howard.

Leave me alone,

you smut peddler!

You professional gossip!

Will you get real?

Shh!

- Look at me.

- Why?

Sure, I look great, but my ratings.

Everyone wants to talk to

Diane Sawyer or Joan Lunden.

My network's killing

me. They want me blond.

With your coloring?

All those reporters,

after today, they're gone.

They've got their story.

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