In and Out Page #3

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But I care.

I am doing a full week.

A week? You can't.

I have to. It's too good.

No. I have classes to teach.

I'm getting married.

- I'll be there.

- No.

- I'll kill you.

- But it's classic.

Sex, a small town,

and a movie star.

Why can't you see that?

"Howard Brackett: In and out. "

My God.

You are pure television.

Stop it.

Good night.

Guys, remember...

- I got that.

- Thanks.

Don't say nothing about

the Oscars or Cameron Drake.

I think he's coming.

Shh. Shh.

He's here!

Yeah!

Yeah, baby!

Whoa! Are we gonna have

a bachelor party?

Yes!

- We gonna get down and dirty?

- Yes!

Disgustingly drunk?

Yeah!

We've been working

on this for weeks.

We got all your favorite

stuff, everything you love!

Hit me!

Here, Howard.

What are we

talking about, triple X?

Little Oral Annie? Traci Lords?

Lay some adult video on me.

We got it... uncut.

"Funny Girl"!

Yeah!

"Funny Girl"?

Yeah.

I don't believe this.

Barbra Streisand?

You had that film

festival last year.

- We watched all her movies.

- It was fun.

Guys.

Guys, I'm truly offended.

Don't you see

this is precisely the reason...

why Cameron Drake and

half the civilized world...

think that I'm... you know.

No!

Oh, no!

You're a guy's guy!

No, no.

I don't know

how this started...

but this is my goddamn

bachelor party...

and I am not going

to goddamn watch...

pardon my split infinitive...

"Funny Girl"!

- Me, neither. I hate that.

- Thank you.

- You got "A Star is Born"?

- Oh, sure.

"A Star is Born"?

She looks bad in it.

- "Yentl. "

- "Yentl!"

I'd watch it again.

I love "Yentl"!

Yeah! "Papa, can you hear me?"

Produced and directed.

Dudes, hombres, guys!

Guys, I'm sorry.

I am truly offended.

I thought I knew you guys.

I thought you were studs.

I guess I thought wrong.

I'm out of here.

Howard.

Maybe he's right.

"Yentl" sucks.

Ooh. Uh-oh.

What did you say?

It sucks. It's boring.

Say that again.

She was too old for "Yentl"!

I guess you heard...

Michael Jackson getting married.

He's made the perfect choice...

Howard Brackett.

Yes, Howard Brackett.

Peter Malloy with day two...

of "Howard Brackett:

Will there be a wedding?"

I'm with Aldo Hooper, Howard's barber.

Stylist... razor cuts,

color, full blow dry.

That's very nice.

What do you think?

Will there be a wedding?

Howard is booked for Saturday.

A full styling. I say yes.

Emmett Wilson, who has just

delivered Howard's mail...

his intimate correspondence,

letters to a legend.

Anything we should know?

I can't reveal that.

I'm a postal employee.

Don't make him mad.

Of course he's getting married.

He's a man of his word.

Is this national?

You bet.

Please, use your full zip codes.

Greenleaf High,

cradle of crisis.

Howard's seniors...

youth in the crossfire.

Tell us in your own innocent

young words, is he gay?

Oh, no. He told us.

It was all this huge mistake.

It happened 'cause he

likes poetry and uses a napkin.

Unlike some people.

What?

Teens in turmoil.

And your message to America?

Greenleaf rules! Yeah!

Kids on the edge.

A community in chaos.

Indiana cries out.

Howard, can you hear?

Howard,

uh, you got a minute?

Howard, uh...

your... your life,

I mean, since...

since the Oscars, I can only imagine.

It's over now.

It's fine. It's just fine.

It's all ancient history.

We do have graduation

coming up Monday...

and you kind of put us

right... right in the spotlight.

I'm so sorry, Tom.

I'd be less than honest

if I didn't tell you...

that I've gotten some calls

from parents...

wondering if, in fact,

you were a ho... ho...

h- ho... h-ho...

Home room teacher?

Homo-hom-homosexual.

Tom, do I look like

a homosexual?

Would you walk for me?

Excuse me.

Uh, Howard?

Yes.

Do you enjoy teaching?

No, I don't enjoy it.

You don't?

No, I love it. It's my life.

Then you'd miss it?

Are you threatening me?

No, no.

I'm... I'm your friend.

Friends don't threaten.

No, they don't.

Friends warn.

And you, uh...

you are getting married,

aren't you?

But are you saying...

that if I weren't getting

married, I'd be fired?

- That's not an issue, is it?

- No.

Best wishes.

Hi.

Bless you.

Thank you.

Would you like to tell me

your sins?

Yes. Yes.

First of all, I'm not Catholic.

Then why are you here?

I have a friend who's Catholic,

and he's busy.

Aren't you helpful?

What are his, you know, sins?

Your friend's?

He's a plumber, and

he's about to be married.

He's been engaged

for three years.

Caution is a virtue.

Yeah, but everyone's...

Everyone's saying something

about him that isn't true.

It's not a bad thing,

but he isn't that thing.

Which thing are people

saying about him?

That, um...

That he's gay.

That he's what?

That he's gay.

Oh! Oh, my.

Yeah.

Oh, my, my.

That's rather like that

fellow on the Oscars.

That, uh, Howard Brackett...

from over at Greenleaf.

It's not him.

It's a different guy.

What does he want?

He wants to know

what he should do.

What is the right thing?

He needs to know...

His mother's planning

this huge wedding...

with the whole town,

and it's her whole life.

It's gonna be beautiful...

but he doesn't want

to leave this town.

He has this wonderful fian

who's sweet and thin and...

he just has never had a

physical relationship with her.

Never? In three years?

He respects her.

- He's gay.

- No, he's not.

- Yes, he is.

- No, he can't... no.

Then he must go to her.

He's got to find out.

He must be, you know, be with her. Huh?

- Really?

- Mm-hmm.

Before the wedding?

Godspeed, my son.

Let's do Michael.

Michael, Michael,

bo bichael...

banana fana fo fichael...

fee fi mo Michael.

Michael.

Ha ha ha!

Donna, Donna, bo bonna,

banana fana...

Oh!

Emily! Emily!

- Howard.

- Emily.

Howard.

Howard. Howard.

We're getting married.

We are.

Of course we're...

I'm glad we're getting married.

Howard!

Ha! Who's gay, huh?

Howard.

Aah!

Howard, what is all this?

I'm sorry.

I'm under a lot of pressure.

Could you turn him off?!

Howard. Howard, I love you.

I'm not worried.

You don't understand.

Of course I do.

Look at your life.

The Oscars, the press.

It's no wonder you're going crazy.

- It doesn't matter.

- Why not?

Because I love you,

and we're getting married.

You still want that, Howard,

don't you?

That's why I transformed myself,

isn't it?

You want me to eat again?

- No!

- I can, Howard!

I'm very fragile!

I love you.

Aah!

Oh, my God! Howard!

Howard, you OK?

No. No, I'm not OK.

I've never been so not OK

in my life.

I tried to stop.

One week ago, I was fine.

I was perfect.

I want my life back!

That is not going to happen.

Your life has changed.

But why? Why is this happening?

I haven't changed.

One little word,

and everybody changes.

I'm still the same person.

Why doesn't anyone believe me?

This town is crazy about you.

I've talked to everyone.

Stop! That's the problem!

It's you!

You're trying to turn me

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