In and Out Page #4

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into a story...

into something juicy

for your show!

I am not a sound byte!

I'm... look, I'm... ohh.

I'm hurting the people

I care about.

My students, my family, Emily.

I love Emily!

Then think about

what you're doing to her.

Oh, will you...

you're like talking to...

Why am I talking to you?

You couldn't possibly understand

what this is like!

Howard, I'm gay.

You're what?

I'm gay. I came out.

To whom?

Who? To everyone.

My folks, my boss, my dog.

One day, I just snapped.

I got tired

of switching pronouns...

and lowering my voice...

and I couldn't take lying

to the people that I love.

Does that sound familiar?

No.

So I just said,

"Mom, Dad, Sparky, I'm gay. "

What happened?

My mom cried

for exactly 10 seconds.

My boss said, "Who cares?"

And my dad said,

"But you're so tall. "

Everyone surprised me

once I let them...

once I trusted them.

Sometimes the worst thing

you think can happen...

turns out to be the best thing.

For you.

For anyone.

But I'm not gay!

What was Streisand's

eighth album?

- "Color me, Barbra. "

- Stud.

Everyone knows that!

Everyone where? The Little

Gay Bar on the Prairie?

Know what you need?

I need a wedding! I...

Ahh.

You... you...

You kissed me.

You noticed.

This is not Los Angeles.

People don't kiss here?

Not at an intersection!

Oh, stop.

Oh, hello, sweetheart!

Mom! Dad! Hi.

Look, it's the cake.

Yeah, well...

Everything OK there?

Fine.

This is my Peter... friend Peter.

We ran into each other

at the intersexual...

homosection... intersection.

I gotta go.

It's that fella from TV.

Thank you.

If you're Howard's buddy,

I hope you come to the wedding.

The wedding.

That's right.

Sunday morning, 9:00 a. m.

Gotta go prepare myself.

It's formal, you know?

Welcome to our series...

on exploring your masculinity.

This is audio tape number one...

"Getting a Grip. "

Are you dressed

in suitably masculine attire?

Very.

- Are you in control?

- Yes.

Are you ready

to take charge?

Are you a man?

Yes!

Stand up.

Stand straight and tall.

Excuse me,

are we a little teapot?

Untuck your shirt.

Just one side.

Ohh.

You hate this, don't you?

Look at it!

You want to be neat.

You want to be tidy.

Adjust yourself.

Not there.

The package, sissy man.

The family jewels.

Grab 'em.

Mmm.

- You're in a barroom.

- OK.

Repeat after me.

- "Yo. "

- Yo!

- "Hot damn. "

- Hot damn!

"What a fabulous

window treatment. "

- What a fabulous...

- That was a trick.

Oh! Damn!

We've come

to the most critical area...

of masculine behavior.

What?

Dancing.

First I was afraid...

I was petrified.

Dancing.

Truly manly men

do not dance.

Oh, come on!

Under any circumstances.

This will be your ultimate test.

At all costs avoid rhythm,

grace, and pleasure.

Whatever you do, do not dance.

I won't!

Can you hear it?

Yes.

Can you hear the demon?

"Dance," the demon whispers.

Everyone else is dancing.

They're getting down.

They're getting funky now.

They're having fun!

- Not you!

- No.

Catch the fever.

Feel the heat of the disco beat.

It's calling to you.

Do not listen!

Men do not dance.

They work, they drink,

they have bad backs.

They do not dance.

Hold still. Hold tight.

Whatever you do,

do not dance!

Hey, hey.

I... I will survive...

What are you doing?!

Stop dancing, you big ballerina!

Stop waving those hands!

Aren't you

listening, you pantywaist?

Stop it!

Stop shaking that booty!

Be a man!

Kick someone!

Punch someone!

Bite someone's ear!

... hold my head up high...

Stop it!

Get a grip!

Think about John Wayne.

Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Arnold doesn't dance!

He can barely walk.

Stop it! Stop it!

Just stop dancing!

So how did you do, p*ssy boy?

Is my veil crooked?

It's perfect.

You're everything

I've ever dreamed of...

for a wedding and more.

- Do you have an attorney?

- Hush.

You're radiant, dear.

I just can't believe it.

It's really happening.

My life.

After all those years,

it's starting.

My mom says it won't last.

Your mom is an alcoholic.

That's terrible.

That's terrible!

Need some help?

No, I'm fine.

The dry cleaners left a shine

on my trousers...

my right lapel is bent...

and there's not enough starch

in my shirt front.

Where are we, the Ukraine?

How can I get married

looking like a hobo?

Howard.

I'm coming, Dad.

One minute.

Oh, there he is.

Oh.

What a joyous morning.

What a perfect day.

What a gloriously splendid

occasion.

Dearly, dearly beloved...

we are gathered here

to join this wonderful couple...

in holiest matrimony

before the eyes of God.

Before we begin the vows...

is there anyone present

who knows of a reason...

why this couple should not

be joined in holy wedlock?

Very good.

Because let us remember...

a marriage is truly

a blessed event.

It must be a union

based on deepest love...

total kinship,

and absolute honesty.

Let us begin.

Do you, Emily, take this man...

to be your lawfully

wedded husband...

to have and to hold

till death do you part?

I do.

Oh.

And do you, Howard,

take this woman...

to be your lawfully

wedded wife...

to have and to hold

till death do you part?

I'm gay.

Pardon?

I'm... I'm gay.

- You're what?

- He's gay.

I heard him!

Uh... everyone, everyone.

What Howard meant to say was,

he's having a wonderful day.

Mom.

Dad.

I'm gay.

Oh. Whoa.

75 pounds...

I lost 75 pounds.

I'm horrible, and you have

every right to hate me.

You should hate me.

I want you to.

I insist that you hate me!

I'm scum, I'm garbage,

I'm vermin...

and I'm sorry.

You're sorry?

You're sorry?

After I... I...

wait for you for...

No!

No!

Not just three years...

my entire life!

After I plan my future

around our wedding?

After I base my entire concept

of self-esteem...

on the fact

that you're willing to marry me?

And you're sorry?

I'm sorry.

Thank God my parents are dead!

This would've killed them!

Are you...

Are you really gay?

Mm-hmm.

Was... there... oh...

any other time

you might've told me this?!

I'm wearing a wedding dress

which you picked out!

I highlighted my hair because

you said I needed shimmer!

I loved you and believed you...

and pretended not to notice

the Streisand thing.

I thought you were

just creative.

I thought you were

just smarter than me...

and more sensitive

and more interesting.

I thought you were the most

wonderful man who ever lived.

I thought you could

change my life...

and show me the whole world...

and teach me about art

and life and magic.

I thought you could...

make me feel

like a beautiful woman...

instead of the girl

nobody wanted.

Oh, no.

Emily.

But... but...

Emily. Emily.

Does anybody here know...

how many times I've had

to watch "Funny Lady"?

It was a sequel.

She was under contract.

F*** Barbra Streisand!

And you!

Emily!

Emily. Emily.

Howard, you did it!

I'm so proud of you.

Congratulations.

Congratulations?

I just destroyed Emily's life!

I killed her!

You saved her life.

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