In and Out Page #5

---

Ohh.

I don't believe it. I...

I just came out at my wedding!

In front of everybody!

My family, my friends,

my mom, my dad...

Look at my hand.

It was fantastic!

It was a nightmare!

I... I... I... I...

I just demolished

my mother's dream wedding!

I'm... I'm... I'm a monster!

I'm... I'm a lunatic.

You're a hero,

and I've got great footage!

I got the whole thing!

Is this about footage?

I'll give you your headline.

Howard Brackett is a big homo,

queer, Mary, sissy man.

He just came out

at his big church wedding!

Martha Stewart is furious!

There. Is that what you want?

That was great stuff.

Aah!

No. Tell him I really

appreciate the offer...

but I just don't think

I'm right for it.

This is Peter Malloy

for Inside Entertainment.

I'm at Greenleaf's

First Methodist Church...

where Howard Brackett has

boldly declared, "I don't. "

Cam! Come look at this!

Brackett, outted by

Cameron Drake at the Oscars...

today, to the amazement

of family and friends...

outted himself

at his own wedding.

You can imagine the fireworks.

He's been besieged by the media,

his job may be in jeopardy...

and as for his fiance...

fellow English teacher

Emily Montgomery...

well, who knows?

Miss Montgomery?

The real question is,

where is Cameron Drake?

This is Peter Malloy

for Inside Entertainment.

We got to leave.

- Cam?

- We got to go.

Go where?

Greenleaf...

because of what I said.

I got to see what's going on

and do something.

But I promised Isaac

I'd do his show.

The new collection

is this afternoon.

I have to shower and vomit.

Man! At his wedding.

Poor Miss Montgomery.

I guess Mr. Brackett's

really like Cameron said.

Uh, duh.

And you hung out with him.

He drove you

to that college interview.

Didn't you, like,

stay over somewhere?

But nothing happened.

I don't even know the guy...

not anymore.

Excuse me.

You don't know the guy?

He got you into college.

Just last week,

he was your total hero.

That was last week.

Guys, we had a gay teacher

all year.

We have to face that...

and move on with our lives.

What are you talking about?

Kids, how was the wedding?

Fine!

I can understand

about Howard being gay...

but I will never understand...

as long as I live,

as God is my witness...

how could he not want a wedding?

Oh, sweetie,

it's not your fault.

You have two boys.

You fed them, raised them,

and loved them the same.

And one of them is gay.

- And the other one is...

- Walter.

Howard was just being honest...

clearing the air

before he made a real mess.

What's wrong with that?

What are we so afraid of?

What do we think will happen

if we all just spill the beans?

Oh... I don't know.

All right... I'll start.

My Rice Krispie treats

that I made for the reception...

they're not my recipe.

It's Harriet Carter's.

After she died from

that massive embolism...

a lie was born.

These are a dead woman's treats.

Oh.

Oh, my.

All right.

I'll say it right out loud.

I hated "The Bridges

of Madison County. "

My husband has three testicles.

Bob?

It's disgusting.

Ohh. Oh.

Oh! I love this.

Howard?

So?

So.

Are you still gay?

Yep.

Are you going to have

an operation?

Excuse me?

Will you be going

into show business?

Absolutely.

Vegas.

I'm making an effort here.

I know, Dad.

I'm a farmer.

Your mother asked me to come.

She's worried about you.

She's afraid you're not eating.

She sent you this.

- What is it?

- Wedding cake.

She's diabolical.

She's insane.

Will, uh, we be seeing you

at the graduation tomorrow?

I got a call after the wedding...

or after there was no wedding.

They fired me.

You taught those kids.

If you're not there,

what are they going to think?

I don't know.

That Barbra Streisand...

did she do something to you?

Dad.

Thank you.

Cam.

Cam!

Cameron, where are we?

I told you. It's a motel.

You don't seem to realize.

I am a supermodel.

I am Sonya!

And I'm in a motel

in Greenblatt?

Greenleaf.

This is where I grew up.

I don't care!

Sonya,

we're here to help someone.

For once, we're gonna

think about something...

besides our careers

and our hair.

We're helping Mr. Brackett,

if I can find him.

Cam!

Cam.

Where are you going?

Cam.

You can't leave me here.

There's a diner down the block.

Eat something. I'm begging you.

You look like a swizzle stick.

It's unhealthy.

Food?

I'm warning you.

I'm calling my agency.

Cam!

Can I get a drink?

Uh...

What kind?

Let's see. What kind? Uh...

Is vodka OK?

That's right. Straight up.

And, uh, some peanuts.

Lots of them.

I don't care about anything

anymore.

What else have you

got back there?

I just want to eat.

I just want to gorge.

Hey, thanks.

You're from TV.

Guilty.

You're that guy.

What are you doing here?

Well... I am getting drunk.

I had a bad day...

a very, very bad day.

Excuse me?

You win.

I hate men.

Am I so repulsive

that no man would want me?

No!

You're very attractive.

Howard didn't think so.

Howard didn't want me.

Listen to me.

This is Howard's problem,

not yours.

He should've told you.

Years ago.

OK?

I love you.

You're nice.

I'm not nice.

I'm a hack.

I'm show business garbage.

Will you sleep with me?

What?

Three years!

Oh, my God.

Three years of sunsets,

long talks...

and loving support

and friendship!

God.

This is my wedding night!

I'm there! I'm ready!

This is a medical condition!

Gee, thank you,

but, uh, I can't.

You married? Seeing someone?

I don't care!

- No, I...

- You're a man!

I'm a woman!

I'm gay.

Is everybody gay?!

Is this The Twilight Zone?!

Ohh! Oh, hey!

Oh! Oh, hi!

Hi! Will you marry me?

I have the dress,

the plane tickets!

I'm packed!

Stop!

Stop! Please!

Stop! You have to stop!

It's an emergency!

I need a heterosexual, code red!

Uhh!

Miss, are you OK?

Do you need help?

No, no, no!

I'm just beyond help!

I'm just a grinch!

I'm a jinx!

Miss... Miss Montgomery?

Cameron?

Oh, my God.

Cameron?

What happened to you?

Well...

Well, everything! I...

You won the Oscar,

and you said Howard was gay...

and I didn't believe you,

and I had no self-esteem!

No, I... I mean your...

Your body. What happened?

What happened?

Well... I was fat!

And I swore I'd become

someone else!

Then I did, and now

I'm more miserable than ever.

And I'm a mess,

and I'm starving!

But why?

Why did you want to change?

You were so beautiful.

I was?

I mean, you still are.

You always were.

It's just skinny girls

can be so annoying sometimes.

I mean, but you're not.

You're just like I remember you

from after school.

You remember?

"But soft, what light

through yonder window breaks?

"It is the east,

and Juliet is the sun. "

Huh.

"How camest thou hither?

"Tell me... "

"And wherefore?"

"With love's light wings

did I o'er perch these walls... "

"For stony limits

cannot hold love in. "

Out.

"Cannot hold love out. "

Crazy.

I can't. You're a student.

Not anymore.

So lonely.

I'm crazy.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes