In Bruges

RAY:
After I killed them,

I dropped the gun in the Thames,

washed the residue off me hands

in the bathroom of a Burger King,

and walked home

to await instructions.

Shortly thereafter,

the instructions came through.

'Get the f*** out of London,

youse dumb fucks.

'Get to Bruges:
'

I didn't even know

where Bruges f***ing was.

It's in Belgium.

RAY:
Bruges is a shithole.

KEN:
Bruges is

not a shithole.

Bruges is a shithole.

Ray, we've only just

got off the f***ing train.

Could we reserve judgment on Bruges

until we've seen the f***ing place?

I know it's gonna be

a shithole.

(EXHALES)

(SOFTLY) Shithole.

(BELL DINGS)

I think you have a couple of rooms

booked under Cranham and Blakely?

Yes. No, we have one room booked.

One twin room.

Booked for two weeks.

Two weeks!

Do you have another room?

No, I'm afraid we're fully booked.

With Christmas,

everywhere is fully booked.

Okay.

(SIGHS)

It's very pretty.

I'm not being funny,

we can't stay here.

We've got to stay here

until he rings.

Well, what if he doesn't

ring for two weeks?

Then we stay here for two weeks.

For two weeks? In f***ing Bruges?

In a room like this?

With you? No way!

Ray, I really don't like to say this.

You really don't like to say what?

Well. You know?

F***ing bring that up.

Do you think this is good?

Do I think what's good?

You know, going round in a boat,

looking at stuff.

Yes, I do.

It's called 'sightseeing.'

Oh, look at that.

It's a former hospital.

From the 1100s.

Bruges is the most

well-preserved medieval town

in the whole of

Belgium, apparently.

Coming up?

What's up there?

The view.

The view of what?

The view of down here?

I can see that from down here.

Ray, you're about

the worst tourist in the whole world.

Ken, I grew up in Dublin.

I love Dublin.

If I'd grown up on a farm and was

retarded, Bruges might impress me.

But I didn't, so it doesn't.

(HUMMING)

Trying to get rid of me coins.

Will you take 4.90?

Entry is 5 euro.

Come on, man,

it's only 10 cents.

Entry is 5 euro.

(CASH REGISTER DINGS)

Happy in your work?

Very happy.

(SIGHS)

I like it here.

(IMITATES GUN FIRING)

MAN:
Been to the top of the tower?

Yeah. Yeah, it's rubbish.

It is? The guidebook says

it's a 'must-see'.

Well, you lot ain't going up there.

Pardon me? Why?

I mean, it's all windy stairs.

I'm not being funny.

What exactly are you

trying to say?

What exactly

am I trying to say?

Youse are a bunch

of f***ing elephants!

Right, you.

Come on, leave it, fatty.

(PANTING)

You know, you're just

the rudest man. The rudest man!

What's all that about?

They're not going up there.

Hey, guys, I wouldn't go up there.

It's really narrow.

Screw you, motherf***er!

Americans, isn't it?

Now, this is more like it.

Proper holidays.

One gay beer

for my gay friend,

and one normal beer for me,

because I am normal.

(SIGHS)

This is the life.

We're not staying here getting pissed.

We are quietly sightseeing,

like he says,

and awaiting his call

to see what we do next.

This is my vote

on what we should do.

We give it another day,

two days, max.

Then we check the papers again,

and if there's still nothing in them,

we phone him and say, 'Harry,

thank you for the trip to Bruges,

'it's been very nice, all the

old buildings and that,

'but we're coming back to London now,

and hide out in a proper country,

'where it isn't all just

f***ing chocolates.'

My vote would be

we quietly sightsee, like he says,

and await his call

to see what we do next.

You don't even know

we're here hiding out.

What are you talking about?

You don't even know

we're not here on a job.

- What, on a job?

- Yeah.

- Here in Bruges?

- Yeah.

- Here in Bruges, on a job?

- Yeah.

Why? What did he actually say?

He didn't actually say anything.

- Then why do you think it might be?

- I don't think anything.

But it's a bit f***ing

over-elaborate, isn't it?

- 'Go take him to hide out.'

- 'Go take him to hide out where?'

'Go take him to hide out

in f***ing Bruges.'

You can hide out in Croydon.

Hmm.

Or Coventry.

Hmm.

It is a bit over-elaborate.

Hmm.

But we haven't got any guns.

Harry can get guns anywhere.

(BELL TOLLING)

He's not gonna ring tonight.

(SIGHS)

He's not gonna ring tonight.

Let's go out.

- Go out where?

- The pub.

No!

Let's go out and have a look

at some of the...

All the old medieval

buildings and that.

Because I bet they look even

better at night, all lit up.

Yes!

That there is called

the Gruuthuse Museum.

They all have funny names,

don't they?

Yes, Flemish.

In here it says, 'The Belgians

twice sheltered fugitive English Kings

'from being murdered, 1471 and 1651.'

I used to hate history,

didn't you?

It's all just a load of stuff

that's already happened.

What are they doing over there?

They're filming something.

They're filming midgets!

Ray!

MAN:
So, on this scene, you're supposed

to walk like a little, tiny mouse, yeah?

Okay? Great.

Ray, come on, let's go.

My arse, 'Let's go.'

They're filming midgets.

Oh, my God!

Look at that girl.

She's gorgeous!

Ray, we're going right now.

F*** off, are we!

This is the best bit of Bruges

so far. You and your buildings.

Hello.

Do you speak English?

No.

Yes, you do.

Everybody does.

What are you filming midgets for?

It's a Dutch movie.

It's a dream sequence.

It's a pastiche of Nicholas Roeg's

Don't Look Now.

Not a pastiche, but a...

A 'homage' is too strong.

A 'nod of the head'?

Wow, your English is very good.

A lot of midgets

tend to kill themselves.

A disproportionate amount.

Herv Villechaize,

off of Fantasy Island.

I think somebody

off The Time Bandits.

I suppose they must

get really sad about, like,

being really little and that.

People looking at them

and laughing at them.

Calling them names.

You know, 'shortarse.'

There's another famous

midget I'm missing,

but I can't remember.

It's not the R2-D2 man.

No, he's still going.

I hope your midget doesn't kill himself.

Your dream sequence will be f***ed.

He doesn't like being called a midget.

He prefers 'dwarf.'

Well, this is exactly my point!

People go around calling you a midget

when you want to be called a dwarf.

Of course you're

gonna blow your head off!

- My name's Ray. What's yours?

- Chloe.

How did you get past

the security man?

Getting past security men,

it's sort of my job.

You're a shoplifter?

(CHUCKLES) No, not a shoplifter.

It's a good joke, though.

No.

I'll tell you what I am

at dinner tomorrow night.

(CHUCKLING)

F***.

How f***ing cool.

Mr. Blakely?

- Yes. No, Mr. Cranham.

- No. Yes. Mr. Blakely. Yes.

You have a message.

Sh*t!

HARRY:
Number one, why aren't you

in when I f***ing told you to be in?

Number two, why doesn't this hotel

have phones with f***ing voicemail

and not I have to leave messages

with the f***ing receptionist?

Number three, you better f***ing be in

tomorrow night when I f***ing call again

or there'll be f***ing Hell to pay,

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