In Lieu of Flowers

Death has come for me

on the first day of spring.

It has not arrived at all

in the way

I've always expected it to.

There is no blinding

white light.

Or some demon dressed in black.

It has come like an assassin

in an unruly ambush

and I am totally unprepared.

Death has finally come for me

and left me to grieve

the loss of someone very dear.

I'm just not sure who.

It is awesome.

They have $4 margaritas

till six and then,

if you show them

your teacher ID,

you get free nachos.

Sounds tempting, but I actually

have a prior commitment.

Mrs. Osborne,

Timmy keeps trying to...

One second, Gabby,

it is very rude

to interrupt people

when they're talking.

- But, Mrs. Osborne.

- It's Ms. Osborne remember?

You only use Mrs.

if someone's married.

Oh, like Mrs. Austin?

Hey Eric, it's Melissa.

Long time, I, um...

I hope you're doing well.

Look, I'm calling because

I've been clearing out

Gretchen's old room here

and I came across

some things that I think

might be yours.

So, I thought I'd see

if you wanted

to come by and pick them up.

I'm actually

going to be home tonight

if you want to

swing by after work.

Just buzz up

and I can let you in and...

Morning, sunshine.

Hey.

You working today?

Just about to

jump in the shower.

- Wait, did you go running?

- Yeah.

Even in this weather,

what is it 13 degrees outside?

I don't know, I'll check

the farmer's almanac

and get back to you.

Hey, we're grabbing drinks

for Gary's birthday tonight.

- You down?

- Maybe, I'll see.

It's just going to be a few of

us, very low key, I promise.

I'll see, I'll see.

You know,

it is the first day of spring

in case you need

an excuse to have some fun.

Rachel Austin,

as I live and breathe.

Tried you on your cell,

but no answer, again!

Are you out of minutes, girl?

Should I only be calling

you on nights and weekends?

Anyway, it's Carrie

if you haven't

already figured that out,

so if you're not too tired

and you can manage to drag

your old bones into the city,

we're all going to grab dinner

at some tapas place tonight.

Call me if you're interested

or text me or send an eCard.

They're free, b*tch, no excuses.

- Good evening.

- Good evening.

Our celebrant this evening

is Father Denary

and this mass is being offered

by Rachel Austin

in memory of her husband Robert,

on the second

anniversary of his death.

Please rise as we sing

our opening hymn.

Hello?

Hello?

Eric?

Excuse me, I'm sorry.

Hello?

Excuse me?

Is this seat taken?

Oh, no, sorry.

Oh!

That's amazing.

Just amazing.

I'm sorry... I didn't mean to.

No, please, laugh.

Laugh all you like,

I deserve it.

Guess alcohol and

commuters don't mix.

I guess not.

Sometimes I kind of see where

Colin Ferguson was coming from.

You know what I mean?

- Who?

- Colin Ferguson.

The guy who shot up a whole

Long Island railroad car

in the '90s.

Oh.

Too far, too dark?

Just a little bit, yeah.

Yeah.

Well, fortunately,

I came prepared.

Peace offering, please?

There's nothing sadder

than a guy in a suit,

drinking by himself

on a commuter train.

Yeah, nothing that

comes to mind, actually.

Help me out, please,

I'm begging you.

- I'm good, thanks.

- All right.

James.

Rachel.

Cheers.

Will you just shut up

for five seconds?

Okay, just please, I got through

War and Peace faster than this.

No, you never read

that book, dum-dum.

Long story long, I never put

the address on the envelope,

but it bounces back

to my office.

So the guys in the mailroom,

they have no choice

but to look inside there

because they don't know

who actually sent it and inside,

they find a check from me

for $500 to a man

named Nick Zani and lest

we forget, the note I wrote.

Which reads, "Can't wait to put

it in you in Vegas,

you little whore."

You're the dumbest person

I've ever met in my life.

Yes, I am, not very smart.

So, there you go,

Happy Birthday.

Thank you so much.

Your unbelievable stupidity

is the gift that

keeps on giving.

And with that,

I'm gonna take a leak.

You following me

to the bathroom?

Yeah, I was hoping

you could tell me another

great story while I tinkle.

Some fun times, right?

Look man,

I'm so sorry...

Eric, stop it,

you don't need to apologize.

- I know...

- Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss!

I'm sorry,

did I ruin the moment?

You have a knack.

Oh, God, we should get

some shots, right?

What am I your dad, order them.

Ah, miss.

Can we order some drinks?

For Eric Battie, absolutely.

Oh, my God!

What are you doing here?

I work here.

No kidding, wow!

Yeah, for a few months now.

That's great, how are you?

I'm good, how are you?

Good, yeah.

Andy told me about Gretchen.

I'm so sorry to hear.

Yeah, thanks.

How are you holding up,

you know, really?

Hey, Battie?

Hate to break up the reunion,

but can we order?

All right, gentlemen,

what can I get you guys?

All right, get these nancies

two more light beers.

I'll have a Goose soda

and whatever this idiot wants.

Jack and coke.

Oh!

And six shots of Jger.

Jger!

I had to.

I'm sorry.

What do you mean you have to?

Darlin', can we order some food

whenever you get a sec?

Absolutely, what would you like?

What's good,

we're riding a nice,

little buzz and we're really

in the mood for some good,

old fashioned bar food,

so, why don't you just...

Why don't you

stop being an a**hole

and tell her what you want,

douche bag?

Okay, um, tell you what.

I'm going to let you guys

just mull this over

and figure out what you're

in the mood for and, um,

I'll get you guys another round.

Thank you.

- Dude, what's your problem?

- Shut up!

Mitch, you've been acting like

an a**hole since you got here.

- I'm the a**hole?

- Everybody just calm down.

Try and have a smidge

of respect, okay?

- That's a friend of mine.

- Yeah, I know.

I saw you practically

crying in her arms.

Shut the f*** up, Mitch!

Easy, man!

Jesus.

Eric, what is with you, man?

Okay, I'm gonna go

to the bathroom.

I hope the waitress doesn't

spit in our drinks now.

Yeah, I'm gonna make

Eric check mine

and see if it tastes

like wee-wee.

Geez, he's still messed up, huh?

It's been a couple months, man.

I mean, give the

brother a break.

So what, you're just gonna bail?

I shouldn't have come, man.

I'm not... I'm not right.

Eric, come on,

let's go sit down.

No, man.

Eric, come on,

let's go sit down.

It's always worse at night.

On Sundays, Ellen and I

used to go get FroYo

and then we went to see

a picture at the Ziegfeld.

Even if we had seen it before,

we would go again.

Last year, we saw

Titanic six times.

Yeah, it's one of the nice

things that sisters do

and here it is Sunday,

and I'm here.

- Oh, no offense.

- Oh, none taken, Jules.

And if you ever want

to get FroYo, I'm game.

Thank you.

Okay, anyone else want to share?

Yeah, Ed.

The United States is an empire

and all empires,

ultimately, fall.

Thank you, Ed.

Who else, Rachel,

we haven't seen you in a bit?

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