In Search of a Midnight Kiss Page #2

"Someone biked by

and took my computer

"I stupidly left it in my nephew 's stroller

a few feet away. "

(boy laughs) That's funny, right?

"Since then, I've been in a total daze

and bordering on suicide.

"I probably would have done it

if the bathtub here wasn't so filthy.

"I don't know what I'm doing here in LA.

"I miss you more than

I could possibly imagine.

"Just hearing your voice

would melt all my anxiety,

"as I would know that there's someone out

there that still cares whether I live or die.

"Karen, hope you're feeling well.

"Happy New Year.

Looks like my script's gonna sell.

"Finally I can pay off all my debts!

Now who knows what is next.

"I'd love to hear your voice sometime.

Warm thoughts... Wilson. "

(# "Mermaid" by Will Sheff)

(woman) What happened

with that woman?

- She died,

- Oh, gosh,

She absolutely died, You know why?

Because she was very old,

I didn't see her on Willard,

What is she, in her 80s?

(woman #2) But apart from that,

she was a b*tch, She was a b*tch,

Between the running of the water

and the showers, the bath,

I'm sorry, but it was just insane with her,

They must have buried a prune,

- That's kind of harsh,

- Well, hey, It's the New Year's,

- Out with the old, in with the new,

- Oh,

(woman #2) Happy New Year,

What are you doing for New Year's?

- Anything interesting?

- (phone ringing)

Oh, sh*t, It's on now, man,

(phone continues to ring)

(music over the phone)

Hello?

# Happy, happy birthday today

Who is it?

# Any day, baby boy

# Baby boy, baby boom-boom-boom

Hey, Mom, How's it going?

God, you sound like you're at a party,

- I am! Oh, hi!

- Hey,

How are you?

I love Florida! God!

I have so many friends,

I never had so many friends,

Glad you're having a good time,

Wilson, I have something very serious

to discuss with you,

(sighs) What?

Promise you can't joke or laugh about it,

This is gonna be hard enough as it is,

Mom, I'm not gonna judge you,

- You promise?

- I promise! Mom, what?

I'm getting a breast enhancement, (laughs)

- At a discount!

- What? Why?

Wilson, you said

you wouldn't be judgmental,

I'm not judging you, You're a nice woman,

settling into her old age,

- You don't need a boob job.

- # La-la, la-la, la-la, la-la

# I'm not listening

La-la, la-la

- # I'm doing it anyway, la-la, la-la #

- (phone beeps)

Hang on, I got another call,

Hello?

Hello?

Are you the misanthrope?

Um...

Uh...

Y-yes, Are you the misanthropee?

Um, I don't know, I had to look it up,

You know, it sounds pretty intense,

I guess I'll give you a shot, I'm not wasting

my New Year's on somebody I don't like,

Within five minutes, I'll know if I like you

or not, Where do you wanna meet?

Whoa, That seems like a lot of pressure,

I don't know if I can handle that,

Yeah? Well, life's full of pressure,

you know?

- So, is La Poubelle OK with you?

- Um, yeah, it's...

- Then I'll see you there at about 4 o'clock,

- Wait,

I don't even know what you look like,

You've seen a picture of me,

Well...

I'm 300 pounds, I'm into bondage

and I like Hello Kitty,

God, I'm kidding! What can you not

find out in five minutes of meeting me?

No offense, but I'm meeting

three other guys before you,

I'm gonna figure out

which one I like best, OK?

I mean, listen, I'm not gonna waste

my New Year's Eve on some total fuckup,

Are you gonna meet me there at 4 o'clock?

- OK,

- OK, great,

Wait, wait, What will you be wearing?

What? Is this some kind of

f***ing sex thing?

No, no, no!

I'm gonna be sitting there,

all nervous and looking at every girl

that comes in, and it's embarrassing,

Too bad, That's your f***ing life right now,

I can't help you, So I'll see you at four?

Will I see you at four?

- OK,

- OK. Bye.

(phone beeps)

- Hey, Mom, Sorry about that,

- Who was that?

It was, uh... just a friend,

- A girl?

- Yeah, actually, it was,

What's her name?

What does she do?

It's not at that point,

Just let it be, OK?

Honey, you're hedging on 30,

I think you'd be in a serious relationship,

Mom, Mom! Jeez, come on,

OK, Just drop it, please,

Oh, OK,

You sound good, honey,

You really do,

I mean, I thought maybe when Karen

dumped you, I'd be worried about you,

- But you sound good.

- Yeah, I've never been happier,

That's my go-get-'em kid,

You go get 'em, honey,

Happy New Year, baby.

- (Min) I think you look great,

- Really?

You're gonna need a belt, though,

Jacob, can you grab some belts?

Got the belts, La-la-la, Which one?

- This one,

- OK,

- I got it, Let me do this,

- You're looking good,

You look great, I like the whole Freddy

Krueger look, I love that sweater on you,

- I feel like a rodeo clown,

- You're not a rodeo clown,

Bui, get in here, Help me with this guy,

What do you think of his outfit?

Oh, man, Yeah, you look New York,

I don't like wearing clothes that I look

back in ten years and I feel humiliated,

That's not this outfit,

That's nice,

That's like a classic,

That's timeless,

- (Jacob) Clothes make the man,

- I feel good,

- I mean, the belt's not working,

- Do you have another belt?

I used to wear this belt, You just loop

through, come down, buckle my shoe,

- Right there, Yeah!

- (Jacob) Looks good, You're feeling it,

- So this is the outfit, then?

- Yeah,

- All right, good, You're dressed,

- I would totally f*** you,

I would f*** you, too,

Why don't we do an orgy?

She'd f*** you, I'd f*** you,

Would you f*** him?

OK, yeah, Yeah, I mean...

See? You're looking good,

This is the heartbreaker outfit,

- You'll break hearts in this,

- I'm feeling Mr, Heartbreaker,

Now we're talking, There you go,

All right? High-five?

- High-five,

- High-five? Everybody, high-five,

I'm feeling confident, Looking good,

Sorry about that, man, I just don't feel

confident wearing those clothes,

It's all right, You gotta wear what you like,

That's how it works,

Thanks for letting me borrow your car,

I'll fill it up with gas,

It's not a problem,

Wanna borrow some money?

You can buy her flowers,

I don't need to borrow your money,

We bathed together when we were ten,

You can borrow anything,

Whoa, We weren't ten,

We were, like, two,

Hey, don't eat her out,

- What? What are you talking about?

- We're not in Texas anymore,

This is LA, Girls are dirty here,

Just don't eat her out, and wear a condom,

- I'm not even thinking about that right now,

- Look...

I don't wanna get some disease because

I used the same bar of soap as you,

- Just don't do it,

- Well, I don't have any condoms, so...

- I got you covered, I brought some for you,

- Whoa! Jeez, I don't need five,

Actually, I don't need any, I don't like

having 'em on me, It's too predetermined,

(Jacob) It's reality,

It's not predetermined,

(Wilson) Look, look, If it gets to that point,

I can just run out and get some,

(Jacob) Jesus Christ!

You're acting like you're in seventh grade!

We f***, we suck, We're animals,

We're apes,

We stick f***ing pieces of plastic in us

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