In Search of a Midnight Kiss Page #3

so we can come!

We f***ing stick each other's d*cks

in each other's asses!

F***ing, you don't get upset when they

leave toilet paper next to the toilet seat

because they assume

you have to wipe your ass, do you?

Well, do you or not, man?

Sh*t, no, you don't, man,

Girls aren't gonna carry those things,

Girls don't do that,

They feel guilty,

They feel like sluts if they carry

these things around, So just take 'em,

I'll take two,

Take three, Sometimes you get tired,

and you're gonna need to slip one on,

That's an extra large, I don't know

your size, but it might come in handy,

- I haven't seen a condom in six years,

- Get used to it, man,

These ladies out there, they are insane,

They are trying to hook a man,

We are getting older,

They'll poke holes in condoms,

I'm serious,

Especially the Asian ones, man,

They will f***ing poke holes in condoms

so they get knocked up,

'cause then they get citizenship,

And yellow fever, wear the life jacket,

That's it,

Your nut sack is filled with green cards,

all right?

So just be safe

and, you know, bring your own,

I don't know if she's good-Iooking, She said

she was 300 pounds and into bondage,

All right, man, here, Just take all five,

This is f***ing hilarious,

You gotta promise me you're gonna

come to the party, It's important,

I'll try,

I don't know what's gonna happen in here,

I may be tied to the dominatrix's bedpost,

F***, There's something

very, very special that I'm gonna do,

and it would mean a lot to me

if you were gonna be there,

What? What are you talking about?

Don't say anything, but...

I'm gonna propose to Min,

- You're serious?

- Yeah,

I love her, and I just figure,

you know, why not get married?

- Do you have a ring?

- Yeah, Yeah,

My mom just sent it yesterday,

It just came yesterday,

Look at that,

That's the ring of doom,

My father gave that

to every one of his five wives,

and every one of them ended in divorce,

My mom's the only one that kept it,

That ring has so much f***ing hatred

and just anger

and aggression and f***ing frustration

and just divorce all tied into that,

But you know what? I don't care,

My love for Min is so strong

that I'm gonna beat the Mclntyre curse,

That right there is gonna become

the ring of love,

Man, I'm so happy for you,

I was gonna do it this morning, but your

little jack-off stunt kind of killed the mood,

You just made the whole thing

that much more memorable,

Great, Now you'll tell that story every time

somebody asks you how you proposed,

Yeah, but, man, that's why I love you,

I love you for that,

All right, man,

- Good luck, I'm really happy for you,

- Thank you,

- Good luck,

- And you,

- I'll see you tonight,

- Alrighty,

Hey, I'm just meeting someone here,

- Sure, Two?

- Two, yeah,

- Anywhere you'd like,

- Can I get a double espresso?

No problem,

Wilson,

Hey,

You're not bad,

You should've seen the last guy,

Said he was an acupuncturist, Wanted to

take me to his house and stick pins in me,

I f***ing hate men!

I think they're gonna end up being

so simple, and they're just f***ing apes,

Yeah,

So, uh, how old are you?

- What?

- How old are you?

Don't you think

that's a f***ing rude question?

No! I mean, obviously,

you're extremely attractive,

- Come here,

- What?

Come on, Come here, come here,

Actually, to tell you the truth, I'm 17,

But don't freak out,

I'm gonna be 18 in 11 months,

You probably wanna have sex,

but you can still come over,

My mom's room is way down the hall,

My dad goes hunting every weekend,

But to tell you the truth, Wilson,

I don't know if I can wait,

My p*ssy is so wet right now,

it's gonna be too hard,

- Oh, my God,

- What?

You're thinking about statutory rape now,

You're a mental statutory rapist,

That's f***ing great, I'm 27,

Oh,

You really thought I was 17?

No, I mean, I'm glad that you're not,

- Why? So now you can f*** me?

- What? No!

Just get a life, OK?

This isn't a get-laid-for-free night, OK?

Dammit, I think we should pray,

- Are you serious?

- You have a problem with that?

- Well, actually, I...

- Shh! Close your eyes,

Dear God, wherever you are,

please help us find whatever it is

we're looking for tonight,

And let Wilson know

that he's not gonna get in my pants,

I don't want him to be too heartbroken,

In God's name, amen,

- Amen,

- Wow,

That felt really good,

I haven't prayed in a long time,

- So, are you, like, really religious?

- Mm-mm,

I said that so you wouldn't wanna have

sex with me, Religious guys are so hyper,

Well, maybe God

is watching over us tonight,

So we can find what we're looking for?

What are you looking for?

The love of my life,

On Craigslist?

No, Forget it,

I can't even stand any more relationships,

I have one more interview after you,

and actually, I think the guy is here,

So, if you don't mind,

I'm gonna talk to him,

- Are you serious?

- Sit over there,

- Don't you think...

- Just go f***ing sit!

- Hi, You must be Stevie,

- Yes, I am, Thanks for meeting me,

Wow, You're really good-Iooking,

I have to say,

- Thank you, That's very flattering,

- Mm-hm,

So, tell me, what do you do?

What's your occupation?

I own a termite company,

I used to have a restaurant,

but the termite company's really good,

- It's the main thing I do,

- Wow, You seem like a nice guy,

Why are you posting ads on Craigslist?

Isn't that pathetic?

- It's not something I normally do,

- Come on, Stevie, Everybody says that,

I mean, uh...

I'm divorced, I'm Ionely,

You know, I...

It's hard to meet single women, It's...

You know, all my friends are married,

and I have two kids,

- Does that freak you out at all?

- Mm-mm,

- I'm just trying to meet somebody,

- Right, Kids, Two of them,

Yeah,

- Boy, girl? Boy, boy? Girl, girl?

- Oh, boy, girl,

Jack, he's five, and Melissa, she's three,

And they're just beautiful kids,

Well, um...

You seem like a really nice guy, Stevie,

but to tell you the truth,

I just don't think it's gonna work out,

I just drove down here from Irvine,

I mean, for 60 seconds?

It was an hour-and-a-half drive,

We could go out, We could have

a really good time, We could get along,

You know, it'll be fun,

I'm a really fun guy,

It's just not gonna work out tonight,

It was really, really nice meeting you,

Oh, my God,

- Oh, and have a happy New Year,

- Yeah, happy New Year,

Let's go,

Don't you think you were a little harsh?

No, When you have 11 siblings, you know

how to go out there and get what you want,

- That's what will give me my edge here,

- What do you mean, your edge?

Well, I'm an actress,

and out here, it's a dime a dozen,

and I just don't think people out here have

the raw ambition that I do, I don't know,

You're a real All About Eve, huh?

I don't know who Eve is,

but yeah, I guess so,

Well, where, uh...

where are we going?

- I don't know, I was following you,

- Well, I was following you,

I'm not getting in a car with you,

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