In Search of a Midnight Kiss Page #7

- Yeah, she did,

- That you were jacking off to her?

- Yes,

- She liked it?

- She did,

- OK, I have to meet this girl, then,

- Well, you will tonight,

Yeah, that sounds good,

Well, here,

Cheers to a better year,

To a better year,

Isn't this better than going home

and feeling Ionely and awful?

- Yes, it is,

- We can feel Ionely and awful together,

- What a terrible evening,

- Oh, it's the worst,

I'm with a beautiful girl, we just had

a nice dinner, a bottle of wine,

(# cell phone rings)

- Your phone keeps ringing off the hook,

- Sorry,

- I love this song,

- You do?

No, You should really think

about changing your ringtone,

- It's on my "to do" list,

- (# cell phone continues to ring)

All right, either turn that thing off

or answer it,

- No, I can't, I can't, I can't,

- Then why do you have a phone?

I can't answer it

because this is my stupid ex-boyfriend,

Then pick it up and tell him to stop calling,

He's not gonna stop,

- No, you don't even...

- I don't what?

Listen, I left my house five days ago,

I've been staying at a f***ing motel,

Everybody's worried, and if I answer it, I'll

have to explain myself, I don't want to now,

I don't want to listen to your phone ring

all night, You're staying in a motel?

I'm having an amazing time

with you right now,

If I pick this up,

he is going to f*** it up so bad,

- He's not gonna f*** up anything,

- He is,

You pour some wine down you,

and it all comes out, You're overreacting,

- Let's get more wine,

- We're not getting more wine,

It's New Year's Eve,

He's not gonna stop calling,

- I know,

- Just pick it up and end it,

I mean, do you want this hanging

over your head for another year?

OK,

- Hello?

- (Jack) Honey.

- Honey, you're all right. Are you OK?

- Yes,

Your mom's called the FBI, your daddy

wants you on the back of a milk carton,

- I've called a private investigator.

- Jack, give me a break, I am fine,

- I thought you were dead or kidnapped.

- Just don't even worry about it,

We're over, it's through,

You have to understand that, It's over,

We'll work this out right now. We made

a vow we'd go out to LA and be stars.

Oh, well, you should have thought of that

before you started f***ing that girl,

- We were just hanging out.

- Hanging out, Well, hmm,

Strange, that's not what David told me,

He's a compulsive liar! And he's been

trying to get in your pants since 9th grade!

Oh, god, shut up, Jack,

It doesn't even matter about David because

I saw you, I saw you with my own eyes,

Honey, calm down.

It doesn't even matter anymore,

It doesn't matter, You know why?

Because I am on a date tonight,

- I am on a date with this...

- No, no,

...wonderful, amazing, smart,

attractive, handsome man,

- He thinks I'm beautiful,

- Great, I'm gonna get shot,

- You're with a guy...

- Don't do this,

I like this guy so much that I think I'm

gonna go home and f*** this guy tonight,

Oh, sh*t,

- And I'm gonna f*** him over and over,

- That's gonna be awesome,

- OK, well, put him on. Put homo fag on.

- He's standing right here,

- Put him on the line.

- I'll put him on the phone,

I want to talk to this son of a b*tch -

your imaginary f***ing friend!

- No, no, no,

- Hold on one second,

- He doesn't believe me,

- I'm not talking to your ex-boyfriend,

- Please, just say anything,

- What do you want me to say?

- Just take the phone,

- (Jack) Viv!

Put him on the f***ing phone. Hello?

Hello?

Who the f*** are you, homo fag?

Listen, man, I'm just a guy,

If you so much as touched her...

anywhere...

I'm gonna come over there

with a shotgun in hand,

and I'm gonna tie the two of youse up

in my f***ing house,

pour some gasoline on you,

cut your f***ing dick off,

then I'm gonna cook it while I burn

you motherfuckers with marshmallows

and eat a nice late-night dinner,

Then I'm gonna take your f***ing carcass

and punch you in the mouth

until you have a mouth full of teeth!

- Hey, listen, man...

- It's not about words now. It's "do"!

I will do to you things.

Not even Freddy Krueger would do this sh*t

to you, 'cause that is my woman!

She is mine! She is mine!

She is mine!

She is mine! She will always be mine!

And she will never leave!

- And if she does, I will f***ing kill you!

- Hey, hey...

- You're already dead,

- Calm down, man,

No, I'm not f***ing done, you son of

a b*tch! You are f***ing dead, man!

You're f***ing dead! You're a dead man!

You are a f***ing dead motherf***er!

- Good God!

- There is no sense in talking to me.

Your funeral has already occurred,

There is a bullet in your skull

with my name on it in cursive writing,

that says "F*** you,"

- You can say what you want,

- I don't need to threaten.

It's what I will do to you

and that f***ing whore that you're with,

Just listen,

You can say what you want,

Do you understand me?

But it's New Year's Eve...

and your girlfriend,

your beautiful, beautiful girlfriend,

is out with me,

So that's just something

that you're gonna have to deal with,

Hello?

Put Vivian on right now.

He wants to talk to you,

Hello,

Honey, I'm driving over to our place right

now and I'm gonna burn all of your sh*t,

- Sh*t,

- What did he say?

He's going to my house to burn all my sh*t,

- Oh, sh*t!

- So, I think if we take Fountain,

we'll save a lot of time

because it's too crowded now,

I'm not going to your house,

- Help me save my sh*t,

- No f***ing way I'm going to your house!

- We'll get there before he even shows up,

- Look at me, No, no, no, No way,

I do not have time to argue with you,

He is gonna burn pictures

of my grandmother,

There's so much stuff I have to save,

Please, I am begging you,

I will drive,

That means I'm not getting out of the car,

I will drive, I'm the driver,

(Vivian) OK,

Oh, sh*t! Get the light,

Go in the living room

and look for his truck, He'll be...

- What color truck does he drive?

- Silver,

I'm gonna get some stuff out of

the bedroom, Help me grab some stuff!

- What am I supposed to grab?

- Get my weed!

- Where's your weed?

- It's in the heater!

- Where's the heater?

- Grab my lamp,

I got it at the garage sale,

I love that lamp!

Do you really need this?

Just grab memorable stuff!

And there's a little picture of me

as a little girl by the window,

- Oh, my God, you're so cute,

- Did you get it?

What else?

How about a picture of your cat?

Yes, yes!

Get my weed! It's in the heater!

I don't know where it is! I'm looking all

around the heater and there's no weed!

Oh, oh, oh!

- What?

- Get my bongo drum!

I have lessons on Tuesdays!

(tires squealing)

- (Wilson) Oh, sh*t!

- Oh!

All right, he's here, he's here!

Go, go, come on!

(Jack shouts in pain)

(Vivian panting, Wilson laughs)

- Get my bunny!

- Abort!

Oh, God,

I should have aborted the bunny,

Go! Go!

Happy New Year, Jack!

Wait!

You're going too fast!

- Come on,

- (Vivian laughs)

(# "My Good Deed" by Will Sheff)

(Wilson) So... this is I think

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