In Search of a Midnight Kiss Page #6

- OK,

He asked them to kind of be creative

with the postcard,

use it almost like a canvas or something,

(Wilson) Mm-hm,

(Vivian) Well, within a year, the guy had

collected over 10,000 confessions,

and all were just completely amazing,

- What kind of confessions?

- All kinds, I mean, some totally hilarious,

Some really sad,

Like, there was this one that said:

"I wish my mom loved me for who I was

and not who I hadn't become,"

- God, that's horrible,

- I know,

And there was this really f***ed-up one,

This babysitter said

that she had come across

some of the owners' condoms

and poked holes in them to ensure

that she had work for years to come,

Isn't that crazy?

God, that's horrible,

I gotta get a copy of this book,

If I ever see you again, can I borrow it?

If I ever see you again,

Yeah, sure,

So these people

just wrote these things in themselves?

I mean, no catch or nothing?

Yeah,

I mean, I think just saying whatever

to somebody

and not have them totally freak out

or completely write you off

as a human being is...

it's comforting,

- (Wilson) You wanna go up there?

- Sure,

Look at those people kissing,

(Wilson) God, I love it down here,

Look - "Metropolitan Water District,"

- "Established in 1917,"

- (Vivian) Very good, very good,

(Wilson) Wells Fargo,

That's where I do all my banking,

So, why don't you tell me a confession

that you've never told anyone before?

Um, I don't know,

I don't think that's a good idea,

Come on, You said how much you liked

that art project, how healing it was,

and, you know, how it made everybody

feel good after they confessed,

Why don't you just, you know...

throw out a confession for me?

I don't know, I don't want you to judge me,

Not that I have anything to hide,

I won't judge you,

OK, if you do it, I'll do it,

OK, I'll do it on one condition,

OK,

You have to kiss me,

- What do I get out of it?

- A chance to kiss me,

- I think I'll pass,

- Then I'm not confessing anything,

OK, fine,

And it has to be a real kiss,

like an adult kiss, like with tongue,

Deal,

- Deal,

- Deal,

OK, This is really embarrassing,

Um...

I don't know if this is a good idea,

Come on, tell me,

All right,

This morning, I was in my apartment,

and I was really Ionely

and I was horny, and...

I don't know,

This isn't a good idea,

- What is it? Just tell me,

- All right,

I Photoshopped a picture of my friend's

girlfriend, and I was using it to masturbate,

- What?

- (laughs)

I know,

It's totally something I would never do,

I mean, it was totally humiliating, too,

'cause they walked in on me,

- I cannot believe you did that,

- Me neither, I feel gross,

- That is so sick,

- I know,

It's something I would never confess,

- You know what? You shouldn't have,

- Well, now you have to kiss me,

I'm not kissing you!

Hey, Hey!

- Where are you going?

- I wanna go home,

- Why? 'Cause I was masturbating?

- Yeah, well, I'm a little disturbed,

Well, grow up,

'cause everybody masturbates,

Not to their friend's girlfriend's photo!

Yeah, well, it has to be real,

or I can't get off,

Oh, my God, You are sick,

Yeah, well, you know, who isn't!

I bet your confession is ten times worse,

- You're wrong,

- What do you masturbate to?

- That is none of your business!

- But you do masturbate,

You know what? This date is over,

I told you, at sunset, It is so over!

Don't you think you're overreacting? I don't

understand what you're so mad about,

Listen, I was just being brutally honest

with you, OK?

I thought that's what you wanted,

Let me ask you something,

Do you have condoms on you right now?

- N-No!

- You are such a liar!

- You're a liar!

- Let me search you,

No way! You didn't hold up

your end of the bargain,

OK,

You're right, I'm sorry,

- Oh, my God, You are such a liar,

- Oh, dammit, Listen, I can explain!

You brought five condoms? What did you

think? We were gonna f*** all night?

No, listen, These aren't mine,

My... Dammit!

My buddy Jacob told me to take 'em,

and he doesn't know anything,

You thought we were gonna have sex

on date number one,

No! I didn't, Can I just explain? Will you

just stop for two seconds and let me talk?

Stop!

I've never had a one-night stand in my life,

This is my first date in six years!

I brought these

so you didn't have to feel like a slut,

- What?!

- No! I mean...

Just listen, I brought 'em so that,

if the moment presented itself,

I wouldn't have to run out and get some,

You don't get offended that there's toilet

paper when you have to take a sh*t,

What the f*** are you talking about?!

You're just overreacting!

Listen,

Would you please stop?

Come on, You'd think it'd be

more insensitive if I didn't bring 'em,

as if I don't care that you get a disease

or, you know, get pregnant,

F*** you and all men like you,

(# "Lines" by Will Sheff)

I can't f***ing believe you, b*tch,

Vivian,

Please, will you...

Look, I'm sorry,

All right? Just don't go home,

Will you please just stop?

Listen, I spent the last three months

in my room, being depressed,

and it's New Year's Eve,

and I just... I don't wanna be left alone,

So just stick around with me till midnight,

You can go home at midnight,

you can do whatever you want,

Every year, on New Year's Eve, I'm gonna

think I just sent this girl home in tears,

I'm gonna wonder what happened to you,

Just... let me take you out to dinner,

I wanna do something nice for you,

- You don't have to do that,

- Honestly, let me take you out,

I have 100 dollars in my bank account,

I'm gonna pulse it out,

I'm gonna take you wherever you

wanna go, Any restaurant in this town,

I mean, as long as it's not more than

Come on,

It would make me feel like a man,

Well, there is this Italian restaurant

I've always wanted to go to,

- I love Italian,

- You do?

- I love it,

- OK,

You want to go there?

Come on,

This is perfect,

My roommate dropped off his car for me

on Hollywood and Cahuenga,

(# "The Queen of England"

by The Mendoza Line)

(Wilson) Look, I'm gonna show you,

Here,

(tapping buttons)

Please, please, please,

See, I'll show you, Look,

Just to show you that I'm not lying,

- You don't have to do this,

- Look, $8,

- You don't have to do this,

- No, I want to do this,

I just... wanted to show you,

You sure it's no more than $100, right?

Thank you,

(# "The Queen of England"

by The Mendoza Line continues)

Buonasera. Happy New Year,

- Benvenuti. Welcome to Oliva,

- Thank you,

- Hi, ciao, bella.

- Hi, Oh, thank you,

Table for two?

Wonderful, This way,

You know, my best friend's

proposing tonight,

I don't know if you're into it,

we could go down there,

- Where is it?

- Downtown in the warehouse district,

He's a DJ, so it's like a house-music thing,

Is he proposing to the girl

that you jacked off to this morning?

Yes, as a matter of fact, he is,

But it's OK, because she wasn't offended,

She actually said it was flattering,

- That it was flattering?

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