In Stereo Page #5

You still got it...

Shut up, shut up.

Okay, so I don't know

what I'm gonna do.

Kevin's kicking me out.

What?

Yeah, he pulled a favor

for me at that place,

so I gotta be out in two weeks.

Can I stay with you?

I won't stay long.

Sh*t.

Listen, I would love that, but

it's been three months

since Paul moved in,

do you really wanna be in there

on the couch with us?

- Coupling and stuff?

- No, I don't.

Oh my God, I can't believe

this is happening to me.

Can't you stay with Edward?

Oh my God, are you kidding?

Do you remember how well that

worked out for me last time?

Wait, come on,

this is temporary.

You went full on

nutty with David.

"Hey, let's move in together,"

this isn't that.

Edward's cool.

Yeah.

See, the problem is that if

I ask him, he's gonna say yes.

How f***ed up am I?

Don't answer that.

And I have to go

end this perfect

day on a shitty audition,

so I'm gonna go.

Okay, hi, Brenda.

Hey.

How you doing?

Living the dream.

Great, love it!

We think you're

wonderful, really.

Thank you.

All right, so let's try out

number two there on

your pages first.

Okay, then we'll go

on to number five.

And slate please.

Hi, my name is Brenda Schiffer.

And profile.

Whenever you're ready.

Okay, let's just look at this,

blah blah blah blah,

dog sh*t, bullshit,

let's just knock

this out, geniuses.

What the f***, right?

Unfortunately,

most people who have

genital herpes do not realize it

because they never

have symptoms.

Or they do not recognize any

symptoms they may

presently have.

Symptoms may differ

in each person,

and when a person

becomes infected

with herpes for the first time,

the symptoms will usually

appear within 10 days.

Continue?

Yes, the entire copy please.

Uh huh, may I ask why?

We just need more.

Is something wrong?

Nope, nope, just don't know

why you need the whole copy

read, that's all, but okay.

These first episodes of symptoms

generally last two

to three weeks.

Early symptoms of

a genital herpes

outbreak include...

Oh f*** me!

What is it now, Ms. Schiffer?

Nothing, I'm fine.

Okay, here we go!

Itching or burning

feeling in the

genital or anal area,

pain in the legs,

buttocks, or genital

area, discharge

of fluid in the

vagina, feeling of...

Feeling of...

Honestly?

Does this fit in a 30 second ad?

Move on.

It's a commercial, Ray,

not f***ing Shakespeare.

Okay, move on to

number five now, Brenda.

Please do it.

Jesus Christ.

Whenever you're ready!

- Hi!

- Hey.

Brenda...

I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry.

- Are you okay?

Are you all right?

Yeah, God, hi.

Hi, hi.

How are ya, you okay?

A rough, rough day.

I'm sorry, that sucks.

It's okay.

God, I haven't seen you since...

I don't know,

since Chris' birthday

I guess, like seven or eight

months, its been awhile.

What happened to your face?

Well you know, I stuck

my nose in someone

else's business.

Defending the honor of a lady

in distress though, then pow,

sucker punch outta

nowhere, just...

Wow, that chivalry.

Yeah, big time, big time.

I love your show by the way,

I do, it's awesome, I

listen to it every week.

Thanks, it's...

It's all right.

So can I, can I see you?

Can I take these off?

You look great.

Thanks.

So you good?

Other than spontaneous crying

on a cold, dreary day?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Stupid.

How are you?

I'm good, I'm

good, yeah, I'm good.

How's Jennifer?

F***ed up story.

A lot of f***ed up

stories going around.

Where you headed?

A shrink.

Wow, wow.

Working it out, good for you.

Yeah, yeah.

All right, it's good seeing you.

Weird.

It's weird, but good.

Weird and good to see you too.

We should do it

again sometime soon.

All right, bye.

Hey!

I got a show going up finally.

Oh that's great!

Trisha set it up.

You should come.

Yeah, sure.

Really, please come, I don't

know what the f*** to expect.

I need some friendly faces,

it would mean a lot if you came.

Yeah, you know, I'll come, just

send an invite or whatever.

Oh, that's what this is,

this is your invite

right here and now,

I just officially invited you.

All right, well I'll come.

Wherever it is in the

world, I'll be there.

Sorry, you mean with the

time and place and all that,

yeah, I'll e-mail you that.

Okay.

All right, good to see you.

You too!

Here we go again everyone,

this is No B.S. and I am your

fearless leader Brenda Schiffer.

Great, now that we

got that business

out of the way,

let's talk about...

Let's talk about

matters of the day,

current events.

You know, f***

that, I wanna talk

about me 'cause I can

feel you out there.

Matter of fact, I

can see you out there

with all this social

media, I mean the

f***ing social media,

the Instagramming,

the tweeting, the

chirping, the annoying,

tendering little

shits that you are,

you know who you are, yes you!

I had a day, man I had a day.

I hate young, tiny,

talented little

actresses in my acting class.

I found out today that I'm gonna

get kicked out of my

apartment in two weeks,

and my best friend

boned me out of

staying with her

because she's got

this perfect little

life and this

perfectly moved

in new boyfriend.

My agent can suck it!

I had an amazing audition...

For an STD commercial,

and then to

top it off I run

into my ex-boyfriend

who's doing great by the way and

I weep on his shoulder.

Buckle up, motherfuckers,

it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

It's not even

a thing, don't worry about it.

I gotta get my luggage out of

your storage dump before you

completely move out of here.

Either way, you can stay with

me as long as you need to.

What?

No, it's...

Oh my God, it's so nice of you.

I just...

I'm just really surprised that

you're not acting completely

terrified that I asked you that.

Terrified?

Come on.

I'm just saying

don't make finding

a place by the end of the month

something to worry about, okay?

You got one.

Okay.

Thank you.

But don't you think

it's weird just

because, I don't

know, we haven't

really been dating

that long, that's all.

Yeah, well look, it's something

that came up, right?

I'm just saying

you're covered if you

get to the point where you're

gonna be homeless, Brenda.

Jesus, I just stepped into

some crazy, didn't I?

No.

Hey, go get a hotel room,

I don't want you here!

No, no!

You're not staying with me.

You would never do that to me.

You're out on the

street, forget it.

No, no...

Oh great, yeah,

now you wanna kiss me

with cereal on your chin, huh?

I thought

maybe I'd bird-feed you.

Oh yeah, oh yeah.

Hey, this is

David, leave a message.

Hey, it's Trisha.

Listen, a couple things.

For Friday, I want

you to come to play

'cause I'm bringing

some players.

And leave the self

loathing pills

at home please.

And also, would it

f***ing kill you

not to wear those goddamn

soccer shoes one night?

Thank you!

Also, yeah, let

me know if you're

gonna take that

apartment, I gotta

show the place if it's not

gonna work out for you.

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