In the Army Now Page #2

a guaranteed check for eight years...

- and a special skill.

- A special skill? Yeah, yeah.

- Look at the pamphlets.

- Yeah, here we go.

- "Land Combat Missile Op"?

- Opportunities!

"Tactical Fire

Specialist"?

You heard him talkin'

about combat pay.

You have to be in combat to

get paid for that, right?

He said Reserves aren't called up

unless there's a major conflict.

- When was the last war, huh? World War ll?

- Yeah!

- No!

- Twenty years ago.

Have you ever heard

of Vietnam, huh?

- Desert Storm? No?

- Uh-uh.

- What?

- I'm kidding. Gimme the brochure.

- We're gonna go to the Unemployment Office.

- Just let me see.

Let me just check. "Tank Turret Repair,

Land Mining Specialist. "

"Water purification"?

Water purification!

- That's it.

- What?

Water purification.

I'm telling you, it's a snap.

My brother's a pool man. Look, you take

dirty water and you make it clean.

- How hard can that be?

- I don't know.

And if there is a war,

what are we gonna go in there with?

Water balloons?

- That's- I mean- But, but-

- Jack.

- Yeah?

- This is for our future, okay?

If we can sign up now,

we get a guaranteed check for $2,500.

If you times that

times two... Wow!

- Rrrrip! Ahh! That's $6,000.

- That's nice.

- I know. Yeah.

- It's a nice chunk of change.

- But, hey.

- This is for our store.

- Yeah.

- Look, I'll even give you first billing.

- You don't have to do that.

- No, no. "Jack's...

- and Bones's Palace of Stereos. "

- Ooh!

- Let's just do it.

- All right. Let's do it.

Oh, yes!

# Get a haircut

and get a real job #

# Clean your act up

and don't be a slob #

# Get it together

like your big brother Bob #

# Why don't you get a haircut

and get a real job #

#I need to try

that 9:
;00 to 5:;00 scene #

#I told myself that

it was all a bad dream #

#I found a band

and some good songs to play #

- #Party all night and sleep all day #

- Hi. Um-

See, everybody knows me

for my hair.

What I need you to do

is just a little bit on the side.

Not a whole bunch.

Kinda keep it like it's still-

I'd like to see you in something short

but sassy. A real '90s look.

Something that works as well

on the rifle range as it does in the disco.

Okay.

That's perfect.

# Get a haircut

and get a real job ##

All right.

Aaaah!

- Does my head- I mean, look at it.

- I don't know. Yeah.

Does it look bigger

than it did be-

- I mean, do I look like a baked potato?

- Honestly?

- Yeah, honestly.

- I-It looks great. It really does.

- Really! Really?

- Really!

- It looks... macho.

- All right!

Look at these, man.

Look at these.

- Army issue.

- See, I think those are unique.

- Idiotic!

- No, those are unique.

- You're distinctive. No one has them.

- Really?

- You're keen. One of a kind.

- All right!

They broke the mold

when they made you,Jack.

Bones, I can't-

I can't do it.!

- Jack, come on. You can do it.

- I can't do it, man!

This is just like

your childhood, remember?

Yeah, you're right.

That guy is exactly like my dad.

See? C'mon!

Wait a minute, though!

My childhood sucked!

No, I can't do it, man.

I can't-

I can't handle being yelled at by some...

muscle-bound drill sergeant.

No, man.

I can't do it.

Get the hell off

the truck!

Oh, whoa.

She can drill me

anytime.

On the double, right now!

Come on!

- Move it! Move it!

- Hello, Sweet Pants.

Get down here!

Get down!

- Oh, rough stuff. Hi.

- And take those glasses off!.

- What'd you think? You're on some beach or somethin'?

- No.

- What's your name, Private?

- Bones Conway, reportin' for duty, sir!

I mean, ma'am,

sergeant, whatever.

You will address me

as Drill Sergeant.

Do you understand?

Yes, but you don't need to yell,

'cause look, I'm standing right here.

I'm not yellin' at you, Private.

Drill sergeants do not yell.

We simply speak in a voice loud enough

so everyone can hear.

That way we all learn

from each other's mistakes.

Okay.

Thanks for explaining it.

From here on out,

your butt is mine.

You will obey

every order...

without question!

Grunt!

Oh, you're a funny boy, huh?

A cutie pie, right?

Well, I don't know ya,

but I don't even like ya.

And I make it my personal mission

to turn you into a soldier.

For the next eight weeks, I'll be all over

your butt like white on rice!

Is that a promise?

Give me 20!

- Well, my wallet-

- Drop and give me 20!

- Here, hold these. - You better get

on the ground and give me them push-ups.

Agh!

It's been a while.

All the way up and down,

right?

- Pump!

- Pump.

One!

Is that good?

Get up!

Get up!

Everybody up!

On your feet. Off the racks right now,

sleepin' beauties.

Get your butt

off that... rack.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

- Get up!

- I'm up. I'm up.

I'm up!

Extend to the left!

Extend to the left!

Forward!

All right...

privates, on command

begin like the last drills.

Run in place.

When I say go... go!

- Jack?

- Yeah?

Where'd the sun go?

There is no sun

anymore, Bones.

The sun is gone.

We died,

and this is hell.

Oh, okay. Thanks

for explaining it.

Private, you've got that weapon

around backwards.

Oh.

Thanks.

- See the picture on the front of this weapon?

- Uh-huh.

It's put there

for privates like you.

It's idiot proof.

Seven, Drill Sergeant!

Agh!

The gig line runs down

the seam of your shirt...

through the edge of your belt buckle,

down the seam of your zipper.

This is

a straight gig line.

See it...

learn it...

do it.

From here on out...

anyone without

a straight gig line...

will have

to answer to me.

Conway,

what the hell is this?

Drill Sergeant, I guess my gig line

needs straightening, huh?

Ah!

Ooh!

Thank you,

Drill Sergeant!

Don't thank me.

Thank your recruiter.

C'mon, boy! C'mon!

You can't do it!

- I know you can't do it!

- Aah!

There are two types ofbayonet fighters:;

the quick and the dead.

- What are you?

- Quick!

- What are they?

- Dead!

- What are you?

- Quick!

- What are they?

- Dead!

- Any volunteers?

- Yeah!

- What are you, crazy?

- I sure am.

I'm a cr... azy boy!

Hello!

- Conway.

- Yes, ma'am.

- Come here.

- I'm on my way.

Whoo!

- Hi.

- Hit me.

Let's not fight.

C'mere.

Hit me

or you'll be sorry!

I can't hit you.

You're a girl. And...

I love you.

You got two seconds

to hit me.

- Okay, but this is gonna hurt.

- Any other volunteer?

Oh, sh*t!

I'm sorry.

- I was just gonna-

- I'm gonna teach you a lesson.

- Never...

- Ooh!

- drop...

- Agh!

your guard.

Got it!

Can I please throw up now?

- Aah!

- Get up! Pump! Get mad.

- Yeah, you get mad, you! Get mad!

- Thirty-eight, Drill Sergeant!

Listen to me

carefully.

This is exactly the same as practice,

but this is a real, live grenade.

- I want you to do exactly as you've been trained.

- Yes, Drill Sergeant.

When I give the command

to execute...

- I want you to drop the pin, throw the grenade.

- Yes, Drill Sergeant.

- Drop the pin, throw the grenade.

- Yes, Drill Sergeant.

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