In The Land Of Women Page #2

or Tuesday.

Listen, all right, it should have a scene...

... where the hot rookie cop

has to get down- -

Hey, buddy. My grandma's on the line.

God.

Grandma, I'm not abandoning you.

I just got here three hours ago.

- I'll put on the alarm.

- No, I wouldn't put on the alarm.

- Why not?

- Because I'll be right back.

Thank you very much.

- Bozo.

- Sorry?

The dog's name is Bozo.

Oh, hey.

Hey, Bozo.

You must be from the nursing home.

Are you taking care of Phyllis?

No, she's actually my grandma.

Your grandmother.

I didn't know she had children

or grandchildren.

Yeah, we don't get out

to visit too often, so... .

- Where are you from?

- L.A.

Oh, Los Angeles.

I was there once, a long time ago.

- Yeah. Well, you know, it gets a bad rap.

- Oh, I liked it. I liked it very much.

I'm Sarah.

Carter. Nice to meet you.

So you finally get to spend some time

with your grandma, huh? That's nice.

Yeah. I think I may be staying

for a while, actually.

See if we can't figure out some arrangement

where I sort of take care of her.

She's a handful.

I know. I'm kind of worried about it.

- Well, don't be worried.

- No?

No, no, you'll be great.

All right, I appreciate that.

Oh, sh*t.

I better get going before my daughter

gives me that look...

...like I'm the most embarrassing person

on earth. I hate that look.

Probably because I used to give it

to my mother.

- It's a beautiful night.

- Come on.

- Yeah.

- Wicked.

Yeah, I guess it is.

Hey, Lucy. I thought maybe... .

You wanna sit in the front?

No, that's fine.

Either that or she's just fat.

Hi.

This is gonna sound weird,

but my parents don't know that I smoke...

...so I was wondering if you could not... .

You have a cigarette on you now?

No.

Maybe. Why?

Because I'm taking it hostage.

So... .

This message is from

the Kurtzman Radiology Center...

... calling to confirm Sarah Hardwicke

for her appointment tomorrow, Tuesday.

- wake up with aching back,

your mattress may be the problem.

Wake up refreshed and feel like new...

... with our revolutionary

comfort-adjusted mattress system.

This may be the biggest no-brainer

in the history of mankind.

Devon runs a lazy finger

around the rim of her wine glass...

... trying not to glance

at Trent's bulging crotch.

"We've got to keep this professional.

Maybe we could just consider it

one of our attorney-client privileges. "

- Hello.

- Hi.

Hi, Phyllis. How's it going?

That's Mrs. Harding.

Hardwicke.

Who gives a sh*t?

Okay. Grandma, I got it.

Thank-- Thank you.

I'm so sorry.

Yeah. Well, I made some cookies.

Wow, thank you so much.

They look a little bit like Fig Newtons.

That's right. That's exactly what they are.

I didn't so much as make them...

...as wrap them and put them on the plate

because I wanted to give the illusion... .

- The truth is I'm a terrible baker. Bakess.

- Yeah, well, thank you so much anyways.

My grandmother will just completely

devour these. It's pretty disturbing.

Well, actually,

it was an excuse to come over.

And this might sound a little bit weird...

...but it's a beautiful day

and I have to walk the dog...

...and I was wondering

if you wanted to... .

Yeah. Okay.

Great. Really?

Yeah. Just give me one minute.

I'm on the plane on the way out here

and I turn on my computer...

...and I start reading these e-mails

that I sent her.

Like, 30 or more, maybe,

over the course of our relationship.

And not just short messages.

I'm talking about long,

involved love letters.

Like, desperately trying to be romantic

and poetic. Whatever.

And as embarrassing as it is...

...it's also, like, kind of

the best stuff I've ever written...

...because it's got this naive idealism thing

going on...

...where ours is gonna be

the greatest love stories ever told.

And I'm writing it.

So I'm sitting there reading these emails...

...and there's some turbulence...

...and I start to have

this massive panic attack.

Like nothing I've ever had.

And I think it's happening...

...because I can not imagine ever feeling

that way about anybody else ever again.

Listen, I have never, in my life,

received anything...

...like the kind of letters you wrote her.

Never written one, either.

And you're lucky. You're lucky in a way...

...that has nothing to do

with this particular girl.

But you already know that.

I must sound so young to you.

Yeah, well, screw you, pal.

Come on. I didn't mean it like that.

I know what you meant.

You know, I pride myself

on being this great listener...

...but whenever I meet somebody new,

I find I'm doing all the talking.

What is that?

Maybe you're not really

such a great listener.

Maybe you're not such a great listener.

No. No, that's not it.

I'm a great listener.

Yeah, but that's the thing.

I hear myself talking about it.

Nelson's career. Lucy's painting.

Like they're my own interests and

my own accomplishments, but they're not.

And I find myself wondering,

"Where am I? What am I?"

Let me ask you this.

Like, what is it exactly you do

with your days?

You see, now, that is just so predictable.

There is the perception that because

I don't have a job or I'm not in school...

...that I'm sitting around doing nothing,

which is ridiculous.

Most days I don't have

five seconds to myself.

I'm driving somebody around or dealing

with the house or making the meals.

Not to mention I'm on, like, 15 boards.

I'm sorry. I didn't think that... .

Yeah, I know you didn't,

but my family does, you know?

I can feel them all just silently judging.

Especially Lucy.

No matter what I do, l-

It's like I'm just disappointing to her.

Well, she's a teenager.

You're her mother.

I mean, it'd be weird

if she didn't feel that way, right?

I don't know. I'm sorry,

I do think about it and so I'm touchy.

But maybe I could be doing more.

God, I just don't wanna

look back on my life...

...and wonder what part of it

belonged to me.

Okay.

- Yeah.

- So--

That was really nice. Thank you.

Yeah, you're welcome. I mean,

it was really great to talk to you.

- Yeah, all right.

- Okay.

- Sh*t.

- What?

- Sh*t.

- What?

I'm a last-word freak.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Okay, well, I'm gonna go inside.

You just shout something to me

as I'm walking away.

- That'd be great.

- Perfect.

- Great.

- Okay.

You're gonna be all right.

I don't know. Do you maybe wanna

do this again? Like tomorrow or... .

Oh, l-- Sorry, I can't tomorrow.

I have an appointment.

Okay. All right.

Don't worry about it.

- Wednesday?

- Yeah. That would be awesome.

I'll come by.

- Okay. Well, I guess--

- Carter.

"Awesome"? That's... .

Mom, I can't talk about this anymore.

It's too retarded.

And I really do not wanna fight

with you right now.

It's not a fight. It's not a fight.

It's not even a big deal.

I'm just saying

he's basically alone over there.

You could just take him to a movie.

Do you have any idea

how lame that would sound?

It would redefine lame. Seriously.

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