In the Loop Page #2

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They wouldn’t sell clingfilm if it

gave you cancer. Clingfilm doesn’t

give you cancer.

SUZY:

I didn’t even know we had clingfilm in

the flat. Oh, you need more eczema

cream. You were a bit flakey again.

TOBY:

I’ve got to go. I’ll speak to you

later.

He rings off. Smiles again at Malcolm. Gestures to the

phone and mimes ‘she’s mental’. Malcolm gets his guy on

the phone.

MALCOLM:

James! Right --Simon Foster?

7 INT. SIMON’S OFFICE - MORNING 7

Simon and Judy are looking through newspapers/press

cuttings.

JUDY:

There’s this guy who bought a south

sea island. They might ask "If you had

to spend the rest of your life on a

desert island with someone, who would

it be?"

SIMON:

Well, I can’t say ‘my wife’ because I

haven’t got one, and I can’t say ‘my

girlfriend’ because I don’t have one

of those either.

JUDY:

Don’t say all that though. It’ll look

desperate.

SIMON:

No, I’m just telling you.

JUDY:

And don't say Mandela, that's rubbish.

And don't say Keira Knightley, you'll

look like a pervert..

MALCOLM:

What?

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JUDY:

Malcolm’s coming to see you.

SIMON:

Sh*t. He’s still alive. When’s he due?

Malcolm walks in with Toby sheepishly behind him.

MALCOLM:

Now. And don’t say you weren’t

prepared because I rang ahead.Now

then, Simon, as the late great Nat

King F***ing Cole said,

‘Unforeseeable, that’s what you are..’

8 INT. MICHAELS FO OFFICE - MORNING 8

MICHAEL is having croissants with Suzy. The music is

still playing.

Suzy hands him a folder.

SUZY:

This is the latest from the...sorry,

is it alright if I turn this down a

bit?

She turns the music down.

SUZY (CONT'D)

The latest from the State Department

for the American meeting. I gather

Fatty won’t be attending.

MICHAEL:

Hey, you. He's the Foreign Secretary.

So please address him by his full

title. The Right Honourable Sir

Jonathan Manboobs-Smith

9 INT. SIMON'S OFFICE - DAY / DFID OPEN PLAN OFFICE - DAY 9

MALCOLM is giving SIMON a controlled-anger dressing

down. Judy and Toby are outside in the open plan

office.

SIMON:

He asked me for a personal opinion

Malcolm.

MALCOLM:

He asked you? Oh, he asked you, that

explains it.

(MORE)

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What if he’d asked you to sing a

racist song and give him your PIN

number and sh*t yourself, would you

have done that? He’s an interviewer,

not a f***ing hypnotist.

MALCOLM (CONT'D)

SIMON:

Yeah, funny, Malcolm, I know he’s not

a hypnotist. But, I was just being

honest about the prospect of war. If

I’ve got doubts...

MALCOLM:

Doubts? Why didn’t you say? I’ll call

up, we can get all our aircraft

carriers to idle off Madagascar while

you fiddle about with your wee moral

compass.

10 INT. DFID OPEN PLAN OFFICE - DAY 10

Toby's with Judy.

JUDY:

So you’re...whatever your name is,

Dan, the new advisor?

TOBY:

Toby.

JUDY:

Right. Just most of you lot tend to be

called Dan, or Danny so it's always

worth a punt. OK, hello. As you know,

I'm Judy Molloy, Civil Service

Director of Communications for

International Development.

They shake hands.

TOBY:

Is this a normal morning, or...?

Judy’s not got time for questions.

JUDY:

Okay, I've got a meeting in

(looks at watch)

two minutes. And the minister was

rubbish in last night’s interview.

Rubbish?

TOBY:

JUDY:

It’s a technical term.

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11 INT. DFID SIMON’S OFFICE. DAY. 11

Back inside Simon’s office

SIMON:

But war is -- basically unforeseeable

isn't it?

MALCOLM:

That is not our line, alright? Walk

the f***ing line. Look. We've got

Karen Clark over from Washington,

okay? We've got the US National

Security Advisor's main guy coming.

Yeah? We've got enough Pentagon goons

here for a f***ing coup d'etat.

This is not the time to send out a

signal like this in some personal

f***ing sodcast.

JUDY and TOBY come in.

JUDY:

Minister, this is Toby.

MALCOLM:

We haven't got time love, f*** off.

JUDY smiles at MALCOLM, and doesn't f*** off.

SIMON:

Hey Toby. Glad you could join us. Bit

of an odd morning, but 'Welcome to the

madhouse!'I apologise for Malcolm.

MALCOLM:

Don't apologise for me. You should

apologise for you.

(to Judy)

Did I just tell you to f*** off and

yet you're still here?

JUDY:

That’s correct.

MALCOLM:

(to Toby)

If I tell you to f*** off what do you

do?

TOBY:

F*** off?

MALCOLM:

You're learning fast. Okay, weird

little foetus boy, go away. F*** off.

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TOBY:

Is this a real f*** off?

MALCOLM:

Yes. F*** off.

Toby fucks off. We can see him outside, wandering

around, not knowing what to do with himself.

SIMON:

We were thinking, weren’t we Judy,

that I could row back on Question Time

tonight.

MALCOLM:

No, You’re not going on Question Time

tonight. You’ve been disinvited.

Why?

SIMON:

MALCOLM:

Because they ask f***ing questions on

Question Time. And you’re no good at

questions. If it was Fumbling, Off-

Message Sh*t F***ing Answer Time,

you’d be our main guy. But it’s not.

JUDY:

Sorry, why wasn’t I told about this?

MALCOLM:

Why should I tell you about this?

JUDY:

Because it’s a scheduled media

appearance by this department’s

Secretary Of State and it therefore

falls within my purview...

MALCOLM:

Your purview? Where do you think you

are sweetheart, in some Regency

costume drama? Well allow me to pop a

jaunty little bonnet on your purview

and ram it up the shitter with a

lubricated horse cock.

JUDY:

Malcolm, your swearing doesn't impress

me. My husband teaches in Tower

Hamlets and believe me, those kids

make you sound like Angel Lansbury.

MALCOLM:

(to Simon, lads' chat)

She's married? The poor bastard.

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SIMON:

But...okay, putting Judy's lubricated

horse cock aside for a moment

(Judy walks out)

Are you saying that I’m now not

allowed to make any media appearances?

MALCOLM:

No, not until we can trust you to keep

to the line.

SIMON:

But I was going to keep to the line:

“I don't actually think war is

unforeseeable.”

Malcolm's looking out of the office, monitoring Judy's

movements. She's flashed up on his radar. He's tracking

her.

MALCOLM:

What is it then?

A beat.

SIMON:

Is it...I don't know? Foreseeable? No.

MALCOLM:

No. Not foreseeable. That's declaring

war. It's neither foreseeable nor

unforeseeable.

SIMON:

Right. So not inevitable, but

not...evitable.

Malcolm leaves the office. Toby is still hovering.

MALCOLM:

(calling back to Simon)

Okay, you need to work out the line.

(to Judy)

That includes you, Jane F***ing Austen

with the strap-on. Oh, and put the

sniff out there that the next time the

BBC ambushes a Minister with a war

question we’ll drop a bomb on them.

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