In the Weeds

Hello. Good evening.

My name is Amy.

How many are you?

Do you have reservations?

Great.

Hello. My name is Chloe,

and I'll be your waitress.

And this is Martha.

- She'll be trailing me.

- Hi.

Hi. My name's Adam.

I'll be your waiter tonight.

Marlon.

I'll be servicing you.

My name is Stanley.

I'll be your waiter.

I went to Juilliard.

Would you like to hear

about our specials?

We have a puree of carrot soup.

That's a vegetarian base,

so there's no dairy in that.

Our appetizer special is...

Tuna tartar, served

with a very light pinch of -

We've met before.

Our special entre

this evening is...

My Halloween party last year?

No? The bunny suit.

That wasn't you?

You sure?

Is...

Steak au poivre

with pommes frites,

Au poivre - poi- poivre,

Served with pom-mes fri-tes,

That's pepper steak

with French fries.

Sandra? Sandy?

Sarah.

You're Sarah?

No?

I'll be right back.

Can I start you out

with something to drink?

Perhaps our special drink

tonight.

Tar-tar?

Tartar.

- Tartar.

A lovely pinot noir from

the Napa Valley region, hmm?

We don't have

the salmon croquettes.

Did I mention

the salmon croquet?

Croquette?

How do you say that?

We don't have any,

so it doesn't matter.

And we don't having the salmon.

The croquetas de salmn,

no tememos,

Ooh, you're gonna like this.

And tonight's my first night,

so bear with me.

If your party is all here,

I can show you to your table.

Okay.

Follow me, please.

If you fold it this way,

it doesn't stay up.

But if you fold it this way.

This is the Le Gamen way.

Like a vagina.

It's the only way we'll get men

to wipe their mouths.

Hey!

In the kitchen!

Hey!

Do me a favor.

Run that back with you,

would you?

Where's Brian?

Doesn't he tend bar

on Saturdays?

He sold out, moved to L.A.

to "expand his professional

options," is how he put it.

That's too bad.

The place won't be the same

without him.

People come. People go.

Nothing ever changes.

How's the book look, Ames?

The usual.

Le Gamen.

Amy speaking.

# I need your arms around me,

I need to feel your touch #

Gracias,

# Oh, hey, yeah, yeah #

# I need your understanding,

I need your love so much #

# You tell me

that you love me so #

# You tell me that you care,

but when I need you #

# Baby #

Hey!

Get out.

What? I'm sorry.

Did you say something?

I swear to God, Marlon.

Why is it every time

my shirt's off,

one of you bozos appears?

Did you guys drill

a f***ing hole?

A hole?

Let me tell you something.

I don't need cheap thrills.

Is it too much to ask

for a little goddamn privacy?

Like I'm down here

to catch you changing.

I should be paranoid.

Look at these pecs.

Give it up.

Not every guy wants to jump

in your pants.

And, Becky, one more thing.

Nice tits.

Kitchen.

So this is your first time

waiting tables?

Yeah.

I don't have to work

in an office

and the hours are flexible

and you get paid in cash.

It was this or prostitution.

- How long have you been here?

- Pantry.

You know prisoners

that get released,

and then commit a crime

so they can come back?

That's me here.

It's hell, but it's home.

Well, have you thought about

giving yourself a time limit?

No, honey.

Lover.

I am not saying

you don't know what you feel.

I'm saying you don't know

what you're talking about.

I am not lashing out.

I'm not.

I am not lashing out!

I'm sharing.

Oh, yeah, I did that.

If I didn't make it by 25,

that was gonna be it.

Which then got pushed to 30,

which has now been pushed to 35.

I set goals for myself,

then I don't meet them.

It's addictive.

You should try it.

Dishwasher.

What will you do if you quit?

Listen, I've got a great idea.

Why don't we get together

tonight after my shift,

and we can talk

and work the whole thing out?

What do you say?

Hello?

Hello!

I'm seriously thinking

about becoming a chimp.

I've been reading

this Jane Goodall book.

Those chimps have it made.

They don't have to worry

about their thighs enlarging

and their breasts sagging

or getting their bikini wax.

They just eat, clean, and screw.

What a life.

This is dry storage.

This is where we keep

the ketchup, salt, sugar.

Are you even working tonight?

This is the freezer.

This is where we keep

the meat, fish, frozen things.

Oh.

Don't stop.

Welcome to Le Gamen.

Okay, girls!

Stepmother's not happy.

We're out of linen,

the ladies' room

is flooded again,

and to top it off,

I just found out Simon's

gonna be eating here tonight.

With a prospective investor,

nonetheless.

So I want you all to be

on your best behavior,

or spankings will be dispensed

at my discretion.

All right.

New rule.

As of today, the house will keep

5 /. on all credit-card tips.

What?!

That's illegal.

That's highway f***in' robbery.

I know, you guys.

I really went to bat for you

on this one.

I'm the hired help, okay?

From now on, we ask

if they want bottled water

before we open and pour.

We've been getting complaints

about people being charged

without requesting it.

Got that, busboys?

Comprendes?

No pour-o el bottled agua-o

without okay-o from caballeros.

Gracias,

All right.

No more leniency

on unpressed shirts.

No more sweat stains around

the collars or in your pits.

That goes for you, too, girls.

You're not selling

enough focaccia bread.

I want more desserts sold,

and I've got cases of pinot noir

that aren't so great.

I want to move it all tonight.

100 bucks to whoever sells

the most bottles.

Okay?

Got it?

Get rid of it.

You hear that?

Push that wine.

And good luck.

I tried it. It sucks.

Okay.

Next on the agenda.

Ohh.

Seems our little Chrissy

filled in a credit-card tip

last night on a party of eight.

- How much?

- They left it empty.

I thought they were

letting me decide.

Well, the total was $400.

So he left himself another $400.

Wouldn't you say it must have

been excellent service?

I got a pregnant wife, okay?

Babies cost money.

If any of you ever, ever pull

something like this again,

you're out.

And I won't return the deposit

on your apron.

All right.

Last issue.

Simon's table.

Very V.I.P.

V.V.I.P.

Who wants it?

Adam?

He doesn't hate you.

I take it he's sitting up

on his perch.

Where else?

All right, boys and girls.

Here we go.

Happy faces.

Sell with ingenuity.

Fresh pepper and cheese

will up your gratuity.

Up your gratuity.

I heard that.

Five bucks to anyone

who will take Simon's table.

- I don't think so.

I'm gonna get

some Lotto tickets.

You guys want in?

- How much is the jackpot?

- $31 million.

I'm in.

Mexican busboy wins Lotto,

buys restaurant, fires staff.

I can see it.

I'm in.

How'd your big audition go?

It was a call-back.

It was a producer's call-back.

I don't want to talk about it

and jinx myself.

This guy before me is in there

5 minutes.

I'm in there 20.

I almost had to excuse myself.

I don't want to say any more.

Married.

Gay.

Involved.

Jehovah's Witness.

God only knows.

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