In the Weeds Page #2

They're gonna see people

into the night

and then make their decision.

My agent's gonna beep me.

I'm going crazy.

I want this thing so bad.

Can you imagine

getting out of here?

Can I imagine it?

It's all I ever think about.

You're telling me

there's not one available

hetero man

in this whole restaurant?

Well, there's Cliff.

But he's out for a couple weeks.

One of his testicles enlarged

to the size of a grapefruit.

There's Marlon, but he's

too in love with himself.

Like "Romeo and Juliet"

without the Juliet.

Oh, then there's Adam,

but he just had

his little heart broken.

Caught his girlfriend cheating.

Sworn off love.

I'll do the candles.

- You can do salt and peppers.

- No.

Chloe, who is your cute,

little, babe-in-the-woods,

fragile-little-egg friend?

- You must be Marlon.

- My reputation precedes me.

It's nothing to be proud of.

Now get lost.

Believe everything you've heard.

Adam.

Because you're serving royalty,

I'm gonna have Becky help you.

- Give her 25 /..

- This wasn't my idea.

That's okay.

Simon doesn't tip.

Tonight he might.

Try to impress this investor.

Oh, thank you.

Now you only owe me two packs.

Did you tell Adam about

our session in the locker room?

"C" cup.

Who'd have thunk it?

Actor.

Did she just insult me?

I think she did.

You.

Marvin.

Raise your arms.

What?

Raise your arms.

Next time use a razor.

Did you see that?

That fascist son of a b*tch.

I could sue

for that humiliation.

I never win stuff like that.

It's a dollar.

What can you lose?

A Mexican busboy buys

Lotto ticket for entire staff,

and they win!

They buy the restaurant,

fire everyone.

Can't you see it on 11:00 news?

A dollar.

Dollar.

Not a problem.

Not for you.

Bye-bye.

Excuse me, Jonathan.

Did you maybe find out

about the raise?

Were it up to me, Hector,

you know I would.

I'm sorry.

Talk to Simon.

If you dare.

I thought you quit.

Made myself a deal.

Every day I don't call Alice,

I get to keep smoking.

That's a healthy incentive.

What the hell is that?

It's Rogaine.

But you're not losing your hair.

Yeah, I'm not taking

any chances.

Did you check your machine?

Nothing.

I'm going crazy, man.

I haven't booked a job

since my agent signed me.

The clock is ticking.

You'll get something.

I can't do this sh*t

much longer.

You think I don't know that?

I don't think

that Ibsen was serving meat loaf

when he was my age.

Mamet wrote "American Buffalo"

when he was 28.

Dickens wrote "Oliver Twist"

when he was 26.

What the hell have I done?

Yeah, but you're a writer.

You can grow old,

lose your hair, be seasoned.

That's a plus in your field.

I'm not gonna be this

devastatingly handsome forever.

I got an expiration date

on my face.

There are parts

other than leading man.

Look at this face.

It's got "leading man"

written all over it.

Excuse me, sir.

Can I speak to you?

Is it important?

It is to me.

The runners

were wondering about -

No.

But we don't even get

minimum wage, sir.

You're an illegal immigrant,

amigo,

You're lucky you have a job.

I have a family to support.

So do I.

Welcome to America.

You might want to

unbutton those.

Tits help tips.

Hey, hey!

I left mine at home.

I'll bring it right back.

You better bring it right back.

Jack, she's new.

She's nice.

She's married.

Anytime, ladies.

Why did you say I was married?

He's a dog.

He'll hit on anything.

Chief, my wife's due any day.

Hook me with a good station.

I need the cash.

All my stations are good, chief.

The deuces?

Come on!

What's wrong with the deuces?

Other than the fact

that they suck?

How about that big party

in section four?

I'll sell

all that crappy pinot noir,

That's Stan's table.

Cut you a slice.

5 /..

- Chris, I'm shocked.

Shocked you'd think I'd settle

for less than 50.

That's Stan's table.

But because I find

belligerent sexy,

I will try to throw you

a few extra covers.

Now, what do you say?

Blow me.

What?

And shatter the fantasy?

This is where

we hang out and sneak food.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Adam, this is Martha.

- She's new.

- Hi.

Nice to meet you.

Get out while you still can.

Okay.

You want me to give you

a dollar?

You waiting my table tonight?

This is a very important meal.

Don't f*** it up.

Is this silverware clean?

There are fingerprints

all over this thing.

Clean it all again!

Go smoke a cigarette

or something.

Just don't let

you-know-who catch you.

Hey.

Kurt's ready for the specials,

and he's pissed off.

Soup today...

is puree of carrot.

It's not carrot puree.

If I hear anybody say

"carrot puree,"

you're f***in' fired.

No chicken stock.

So all the little

vegetarian pansies can eat it.

Appetizer is tuna tartar

with a pinch of dill sauce.

No temperature on this.

$ 10.

I got 30 of them.

I want them all gone by the end

of the f***in' shift!

Can we do the tuna

without the sauce?

What?

Can we do the tuna without...

Please come over here.

You interrupt me again,

and you're f***in' fired.

Move back, you little rat.

Entre special.

Steak au poivre,

That's "crusted with pepper"

for all you high-school actor

dropout f***in' morons.

It comes with pommes frites,

You figure that one out

on your own.

22 bucks.

No. F***.

It's 25 bucks.

86 the salmon croquettes.

Anybody have any questions?

One more thing.

Any of you little f***in' rats

go in my freezer

without my permission,

you're f***in' fired.

And after I fire you,

I'm gonna kick your f***in' ass

back to Staten Island.

Bye-bye.

- Did you clean all the menus?

- Yes.

Tell the kitchen when

the big tables are coming?

Yes.

So how's the modeling

career going?

Well, I'm not doing porn,

but I am still here.

Aren't we all?

Adam, because you're taking

Simon's table tonight.

Man came in.

- He's gonna propose.

- Okay.

He wants this in her dessert.

Crme brle.

And he gave me this.

Ah, ah.

I keep one for commission.

Okay. Follow me.

Here we go.

Do you have something

more romantic?

More romantic?

How about this table here?

Oh, my.

This is Siberia.

What's the matter,

you don't like us?

I like that.

Honey?

That's a table for four, sir.

It's gonna be fine.

Thank you.

Thanks.

So how many years

is your program?

Two years of classes

and then a year of fieldwork.

And my thesis, which is titled

"Love and Monogamy.

Yeah, Right. "

I'm starting to think

I could do my fieldwork here.

If this place counted,

I'd have a PhD.

They're all yours.

Good luck.

This sounds crazy,

but I think I'm nervous.

Just remember one thing.

The customer is always wrong.

Okay.

Good evening.

This is Adam, our best waiter.

You know, he's a playwright.

One of these days,

he's going to write a big hit.

Right down the block,

probably win a Pulitzer Prize.

Hmm?

But for right now,

why don't you get us

our last bottle of the Perlet,

ice-cold Pellegrino,

and some sliced lemon with that?

Okay, Shakespeare?

Can you fill him

with Pellegrino?

You sure they want Pellegrino?

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