In the Weeds Page #7

a new one of these.

Wait, wait, wait.

Put that down.

Put it down.

Enjoy.

It's our best dessert.

Hmm?

What the hell are you doing?

There's a ring in here.

A diamond ring, God damn it!

Do you want the poor man

to choke to death?

Do you want him to die?

Oh, my God.

I'll be right back.

What do you think you're doing,

you motherfucking f***?

There was a man on table two

who had a ring he wanted us

to put into a crme brle.

It wasn't there.

The only other crme brle

went to your table.

I thought it was

in your crme brle.

Which is why I did what I did.

I didn't want the man to choke

and ruin your dinner

and ruin your deal.

Look, I put the ring

in the crme brle.

Who ran the food to table two?

I don't know.

Who ran a f***ing crme brle

to table two?

Me.

Frisk him.

What?

You can't get your raise,

so you steal.

I didn't steal nothing.

Search him.

I can't.

No.

No?

I said no!

Gee.

So maybe there's a testicle

in your sac after all.

I thought you kept your balls in

that briefcase you schlep around

like you're Donald f***ing Trump

or something.

Well, Mr. Trump, why don't you

go get your little briefcase,

get the f*** out

of my restaurant?

You're fired.

Look, look.

I don't have the ring.

He doesn't have the ring, Simon.

What the f*** you all doing?

Get back to work.

Get your asses back to work!

Everything's okay.

Just a little...

You know

the restaurant business.

Always something.

Don't worry about it,

Harold, okay?

They'll either find it

or get us a new one.

The least they could do

is bring us the bill.

Maybe it's on them.

Maybe it is.

Where the hell is everyone?

I'd check the party room

if I were you.

What the hell is going on?

Get back out on the floor.

All of you. Now.

You hear me talking to you?

It's chaos out there.

Now, come on. Let's go.

Let's move it. Now.

We're not gonna go out there

until you give Jonathan

his job back.

And who the f*** are you?

John Brown?

He had nothing to do with that

ring, and you know that.

That's just so moving.

Why don't you go stick that

into one of your little plays?

The rest of you get your asses

on the floor, please, right now.

What are you gonna do?

Do you want to start

pounding the pavement,

look for a job

you can show up late at

so you make your little

off-Broadway auditions?

And you're really gonna go far

with all those special

restaurant skills

I've been hearing about.

You gonna bring your kneepads

with you to your next job?

And you.

What the hell

are you going to do?

I got news for you, kid.

You're not getting any younger.

The salad days are over.

Youth has fleeted.

It's gone, okay?

This is it.

This is it.

This is your life.

This place, working for me.

This is as good

as it's gonna get.

Hey, Simon?

Just know this.

Every time you berate us,

every time you insult us,

every time you threaten us,

all we see are dollar signs.

See, that's all you are.

You're my rent.

And my phone bill.

Maybe a Knicks game

every now and then.

But even that ain't worth this.

Nothing is.

So I'll tell you what.

You can take your threats,

and you can shove 'em

up your focaccia.

Because we're not going back

until you give Jonathan

his job back.

A table just walked out.

I've got tables four and 10

who want money off their checks.

I've had to stop seating people.

The man you're having

dinner with

would like to know

how long you're gonna be.

He had nothing to do

with that ring.

Fine.

He's hired.

Now get back

to your f***ing stations.

Shove 'em up your focaccia.

Heavy.

I need one of you.

Chloe?

You okay?

It's just allergies.

- Good night.

- Good night.

Give me a double of something.

I only do this for you.

Bravo.

That was some performance.

Man of the people.

Leader of the masses.

Che f***ing Guevara!

I was moved.

Really.

Shut up, Chris.

You really know

which battles to fight.

- You're an a**hole.

- I'm an a**hole?

Jimmy Stewart here

just got you "one for all,

all for one" idiots canned.

You think Simon's

gonna really appreciate

the lesson he's learned

about humanity?

About friendship?

Loyalty?

Fat f***ing chance.

I mean, it was touching and all,

but I'd touch up my rsum.

I'll see you all tomorrow.

Something light.

See you tomorrow?

What does that mean?

It means he wants to fire you

in person.

Or maybe the place sold.

Maybe we're all gonna be okay.

Is he gone?

Yes.

Is he coming back?

No, it didn't look like it.

17 bottles of wine.

Read it and weep.

15 of the pinot noir,

Etch me in the record books.

And I got you to thank, big boy.

Keep that Andrew Jackson.

I got $ 100 coming

on top of my tips.

17!

Not now, Chris.

I'm not in the mood.

Not my problem, chief.

Give me my money.

You sold 17 bottles of wine?

15 of that pinot noir,

Next closest, Stan with eight.

Give me my money.

You sold 15 bottles on table 12?

That was Stan's table.

We swapped stations.

Why would you do that?

You'd have to ask Stan.

But I sold more,

so I get the green.

Rules are rules.

Chris, this table

was a price-fixed menu.

The liquor was included.

These bottles don't count.

You sold two.

F***, I did!

17 right there,

priced-fixed or not.

We don't count bottles

we're not charging for!

Could have poured 100.

Still would have been

the same price.

Sorry.

Looks like Stan gets the money.

That's bullshit!

Rules are rules.

Rules are rules.

- F*** you!

- Hey! What are you doing?

Break it up!

Cut it out!

Yo!

I want my money!

- Get off him!

- F*** off!

- Get off!

- Stay out of this, Adam!

Leave him alone.

I swear, if you don't get out of

the way, I'll rip your head off.

Leave him -

Hey, hey.

Hey, you guys!

Take it outside!

Break it up.

Break it up.

Holy sh*t.

You son of a b*tch.

You just stood there

while Hector got fired.

Like he can't find another job.

He'll be working illegally in

some other kitchen by morning.

Hey, if he's not out of here

by the time it takes you to pick

up the phone, call the police.

Give me my f***ing money!

Dial 911.

Just leave it.

I'll see you losers

at unemployment.

Get me that man's number

about the ring.

Whew.

Man.

We didn't win, man.

Maybe next week.

Oh, when you see Hector,

give him this.

Thanks, man.

So tell me.

Is every night like this?

This is nothing.

Wait till summer.

What time is the movie star

showing up?

Oh, I don't know.

I almost forgot about him.

Are you gonna go?

I'd like that.

Yeah, me too.

I'm gonna go get changed.

Okay.

Cuckoo!

I must look pretty ridiculous.

I've had a few drinks.

Vodka, rum, tequila, whiskey.

Come on, mon chrie,

Get out of that monkey suit

and let's go home.

Actually, Alice...

...we're gonna go out.

Marlon booked a film,

so we're celebrating.

What I said

about not loving you.

It isn't true.

It isn't?

You know it isn't.

I called Jeff.

I broke it off.

It's over.

Who's Jeff?

I don't want him.

I want you.

Alice...

...I'm not gonna go with you.

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