Inventing the Abbotts Page #2

INVENTING THE ABBOTTS - Rev. 2/16/96 7.

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Doug glances down at his tie and Pam flips her indexfinger up across the tip of his nose. Doug scowls andpoints at her bust.

DOUG:

Can I borrow a Kleenex?

PAMELA:

Greaser.

DOUG:

(mouth full offood)

Got any smokes around here?

11 INT. ABBOTT HOME - BACK YARD - NIGHT 11

Doug and Pam smoke their cigarettes in the back yard.

The tent can be seen in the b.g. The band is playing"MONA LISA."

DOUG:

So, is this Peter guy Alice isgonna marry rich?

PAMELA:

Of course. He's one of the Atlas

Steel Vanlaninghams. Pittsburgh.

He's a bully.

DOUG:

So how come Alice's marrying him?

PAMELA:

Because my parents want her to andAlice is afraid of my parents.

It's practically an arrangedmarriage. They think Alice haspeanut shells for brains orsomething, so they sort ofsuggested that maybe it was timeto tie the old knot and they sortof suggested that Peter was theone to do it with.

DOUG:

Jeez, no one can be that much of a

pushover.

(CONTINUED)

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PAMELA:

Look, Alice is the good daughter,

Eleanor is the bad one, and I'm

the one who sort of gets off thehook. That's just the way itworks. Which one are you?

DOUG:

You mean, which kind of brother am

I? You got me? The little

brother, I guess.

12 INT. ABBOTT HOME/TENT - NIGHT (SHORT TIME LATER) 12

The band improvises a FANFARE as Lloyd Abbott and hiswife, JOAN ABBOTT, step up onto the bandstand. Joan has

the practiced poise of a former beauty queen (as if hersmile had been surgically sewn onto her face). She has a

tendency to smoke and drink a bit too much and eat andsleep a bit too little.

LLOYD:

Ladies and Gentlemen -- I'd like

to propose a toast in honor of ourcause for celebration tonight -the

engagement of our daughter,

Alice, to Mister Peter

Vanlaningham.

He gestures to ALICE ABBOTT and her fiance PETERVANLANINGHAM. Alice is nineteen, the eldest and the

prettiest and seemingly most conventional of the threesisters. Peter is the scion of a wealthy Pittsburghfamily. He and his bride-to-be smile and acknowledge theapplause and AD-LIBBED toasts.

The band strikes up "I Got the World on a String" andJoan whispers something to Alice -- Alice goes over toLloyd and (despite his mock-protest) pulls him out ontothe dance floor.

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The guests applaud their uninspired box-step; neitherfather nor daughter appear comfortable at such close

quarters.

13 EXT. ABBOTT HOME - DRIVEWAY & TENT - NIGHT 13

The party is going full swing as Doug wanders out of thetent and walks down the driveway. He's had enough ofhigh society for tonight.

14 EXT. SIDEWALK (HALEY) - NIGHT

Doug strolls along the sidewalk (in a residentialneighborhood) softly singing "You Ain't Nothin' but aHound Dog." He pauses beside a rubbish can on the curb,

strikes a wooden match, and sets the trash on fire. As

he nonchalantly continues down the sidewalk we seeseveral trash cans on fire in the near distance.

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15 EXT. ABBOTT HOME - BACK YARD - NIGHT 15

Eleanor necks with Steve (Jacey's rival) on the glider inthe gazebo in the distant corner of the yard. The sounds

of the PARTY can be heard in the b.g. (the band isplaying "In Old Monterey"). Jacey stands in the shadowsof the shrubbery spying on them with pure heartache.

16 EXT. STREET (HALEY) - NIGHT (SHORT TIME LATER)

Jacey walks home with his eyes brimming with bitter tears-- past the smoldering rubbish cans along the curb.

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17 EXT. HOLT HOME - SIDEWALK & GARAGE - NIGHT

(MINUTES LATER)

As Jacey turns up the driveway, a light snaps on in the

garage. The garage doors are open, Doug sits on the edgeof the ping-pong table smoking a cigarette with his handstill on the light fixture pull chain.

DOUG:

Three out of five?

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JACEY:

Two out of three. You serve.

Jacey and Doug pick up their paddles and begin a game ofping-pong. They are expert players and fiercecompetitors.

INVENTING THE ABBOTTS - Rev. 2/16/96 10.

18 EXT. TEXACO GAS STATION (DOWNTOWN HALEY) - NEXT DAY 18

Lloyd Abbott pulls his (1957) Cadillac up to the pumps.

The DING-DING of the BELL HOSE summons Jacey. He wears a

Texaco uniform complete with bow tie and cap.

JACEY:

'Morning.

LLOYD:

Fill 'er up. Hi-test.

Jacey sets the pump nozzle on automatic and cleans thewindshield. Lloyd slips the ashtray out of the dash,

climbs out of the car, and empties the ashtray in thetrash can.

JACEY:

That was a nice party last night.

LLOYD:

You were there?

JACEY:

Yes, sir. Eleanor invited me.

LLOYD:

Did she? Didn't see you.

(slight beat)

You going to be an engineer likeyour dad was?

JACEY:

I want to be an architect.

LLOYD:

Hmmm... I guess some people caremore about having ideas that theydo about making money.

JACEY:

I care about making money.

Lloyd idly examines the mechanism on the ashtray thatenables it to slide in-and-out of the dash.

LLOYD:

That full suspension file draweryour dad invented is still inproduction, did you know that?

We'll ship thirty-maybe-fortythousand of those file cabinets

this year. Hell, that drawer putMidwest Steel Desk on the map.

JACEY:

Yes, sir. I know.

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LLOYD:

An architect, huh?

The GAS NOZZLE CLICKS OFF, Jacey hangs up the nozzle, andreplaces the gas cap. Lloyd pulls out his wallet.

LLOYD:

You want some free advice?

Sure.

JACEY:

LLOYD:

Don't waste your life making otherpeople rich. Keep the change.

He hands Jacey a five-spot and gets into his car. Lloyddrives away in his Cadillac. Jacey crumbles the fivedollar bill into a ball. As he returns to the office he

catches his reflection in the mirror of the cigarettemachine. He frowns and pulls off his cap and bow tie.

A19 INT. BOATHOUSE (LAKE) - LATER THAT DAY A19

The abandoned boathouse is a dilapidated structuresituated on an isolated shore of the large lake. Dougstrikes a wooden match, shepherds the flame, leans over,

holds the match to his ass and lights a fart. The

amorphous blue flame flares and almost instantlydisappears as the gas is consumed. VICTOR, Doug'spartner in crime and best friend, is impressed. (Victoris fifteen, too.)

Jeez Louise!

VICTOR:

How'd you do that?

DOUG:

Intestinal gas -- produced bybacterial metabolism of food

residues in the colon. A mixture

of oxygen, hydrogen, carbondioxide, and methane. That's the

secret ingredient.

VICTOR:

What's so secret about it?

DOUG:

Not everyone can produce methane.

It's genetic, that means it'sinherited. There's a lot of

methane in my family.

(CONTINUED)

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