Irish Jam Page #2

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'No one ever was and nothing

ever will be.

'To manifest the notion of our

inalienable right...

...is to play to their dogma.

Dante was right.

-Who the feck is Dante?

-'They feed us true lies...

...and we swallow it whole.

Fear is the fuel, for many I know.

'Through the morning

mist, a welcoming light.

'It must be Finnigan's so

calm and so bright.

'Gimme a glass of cold beer.

And I'll tell you what I know.

'That if it's Freedom you want.

Then you gotta fight, fight, fight.

I'm not very good at doing things

like that.

-Very well read.

-Thank God! He must be Irish.

Well, how much money did you

raise, anyway?

The contest netted almost one

million euro.

That's not bad, like. Top.

Unfortunately, we're still quite a

bit short. But I reckon our new...

...landlord will have a few ideas

how we can raise the balance.

If there's one thing the Yanks

are good at it's business.

Well, that's fine, 'cos the bloody

Yank can pull the feckin' balance...

...out of his feckin' arse.

-No need for that kind of language.

Will someone please pass my scalpel.

To hell with the lot of youse.

Will you raise your glasses, to

himself, our new landlord.

The long lost son of Ireland.

What the...?

Hey! All right. What's happening?

It ain't 'Temptation Island', but

we'll make it work.

'Welcome to Ballywood'.

Hollywood to Ballywood.

Well, don't everybody talk at once.

What? Hey this ain't

no clansman rally, is it?

What the KKK, what you talking about?

-Cad mile filte.

-Does somebody speak English?

-Welcome to Ballywood.

They're the deeds to Finnegan's pub.

-Finnegan's, yes, the prize.

I'm having my attorney look this

over, you know what I'm saying?

Oh, I appreciate that.

Welcome, yes.

What the hell is that man?

Where is the Cristal?

Don't you all people know how

to throw a party? Come on!

I'm just arriving, there's

supposed to be some balloons.

Black man coming through. What?

You all playing with me right now.

All these faces. All right, where

the native girls?

Alright, bring on the native girls,

where are the native women?

-Supposedly you're referring to me.

-No, I was thinking about...

...the ones with big bootys.

You know, you'll do.

I mean, we gotta work some

things out, a little makeover.

Pluck the eyebrows, collagen

injection in the lips because...

...I like them big.

-I'm homely.

Is that what he said?

What's happening? Look out girl,

you know we'll do a couple of things.

Yeah, we can flip this.

-Father Duffy.

Father Duffy. James McDevitt.

You know some people call me

Jimmy da Jam in high circles.

You know, with me Dre, Snoop

and all us be hangin out, you know.

Say a prayer for me to make

sure this deed is correct.

Otherwise, I might have to get

South Central up in here.

You know what I'm saying? Don't

understand how I played war.

I like the outfit, the collar is

working.

Stay away from the little boys.

-He's, he's a...

-What's up fellahs? How's it going?

He's the new landlord of

Ballywood's only pub.

I love this village already.

-The door sticks.

-So do I baby, so do I.

-Is everything else to your liking?

-No, not really, you know.

But I'm going to make it work, baby.

Right then, we'll leave you

to get some rest.

I'm sure you'll be needing your

strength for the native girls.

Make sure there's no fat ones.

I got a thing with the fat ones.

Anything over 85 kilograms

ain't to my liking, you know.

I like them potek, peteek, poe teak.

Not really po, but kind of teaky.

I want something nice and slim,

got a nice little bottom on it.

You know, something I can really

work with. Because they broke...

...the mould when they made me, baby.

I'm telling you.

I think that's the smartest thing

you've said since you arrived.

Oh, that's me! S.M.A.R.T. Smart.

S.M. Art. Smart.

-You can spell, good.

-Smart. Enough to get my own club.

Doing it P Diddy style. Going to

get some action going on up here.

It ain't Jamaica, but I'm gonna

'ja make' the best of it.

Bye, bye. Right, is that

everything do you think?

Would you like some help with them

Groceries, or would you prefer...

...himself to be carrying them

for you? The new landlord.

Shouldn't youse lot be getting back

to the zoo before it closes up for...

...the night? Or perhaps a swift kick

up the ass'll get you there quicker?

Now, out of the way.

I'll not be looking to fight the

weaker sex.

Me neither, but in your case I'll

make an exception.

There's something I can do for

you, boys?

No, Father. Just catching up

with the gossip.

Good to see you taking an interest

in the welfare of the village.

Off youse go now.

See youse all at mass on Sunday?

-Yes, Father.

-And confession on Saturday?

-Yes, Father.

They're lovely boys.

So, is he a Catholic?

-Who?

-Well, you know, the new fellow.

-I don't know, I didn't ask.

Aye, not to worry, I can always

convert him. If not, eh?

She can always whip him into

shape with her tongue.

If that fails, he can bore him into

submission with his hell stories.

-You're a hard woman, Maureen.

-Must be genetic, right?

So, what do you think of the

gold tooth?

You like it, do you?

And himself? Do you think he's

a bit mad or just a bit hyper?

What, do you think he's scared?

I suppose I would be, too with the

likes of the McNultys waiting...

...to pounce. McNulty zombie. I am a

McNulty and I am a stupid zombie.

Is that your best zombie? Come

on you can do better than that!

Now make sure you idiots don't

mess this up!

There's plenty more where this

comes from.

Consider it a down payment.

You alright, Grandad?

You're awful quiet.

-Well, what's to become of us?

-What d'you mean?

-We'll be invaded surely!

-What, by the Vikings?

-No, them rappers and their gangs.

-Are you mad?

No, I know them bloods and crisps.

Oh, it'll be like that film the

'Boys and their Hoods'.

-What?

-There'll be naked bootys on...

...every corner. There'll be

gangsters with them,...

...Dirty Harry guns selling that

crackaine stuff.

And there'll be them driveaways and

people popping each other's arses.

I can't believe you. You're the one

who taught me to have an open mind.

My God!

-I tell ya, I had you there!

You're just a big kid, grandad.

Kathleen! Your dinner's ready.

Well, come on, what's really

the matter?

Well, we're close to 400,000 short

of settling the mortgage payments.

And that's without even paying

off the principle.

-And what is the principle?

-It's about seven millions.

Seven million euros?

Why did no one tell me that?

Because we knew you'd shoot your

mouth off and you'd get mad.

That's not true.

Seven million, oh my God!

What are you, a bunch of idiots?

There you go, you see. You're on a

roll. You're constantly persistent.

I need some air.

-Yeah? Air?

I think it's a drink more likely.

I hope you have money, because the

new landlord might not accept credit.

Come on, grace please.

Shall I say it? For what we're

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