Irish Jam Page #3

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about to receive may the Lord...

...make us truly thankful.

Amen.

-You all right?

-Aye, yeah. I'm all right.

Jimmy Jam is a freak of nature.

Work it boy, you can break it backs.

Give me some of that four-leaf

clover. Bend over it.

You look like you're Irish.

You're lucky, 'cos I'm here.

-Hey, baby.

-Would you look at that?

You ain't ever getting any.

And we'll not be taking another drop

from Finnegan's 'till he's out...

...from behind that bar!

Oh, good evening, lads.

Tell me, what's going on?

-We're having a meeting.

-Oh, what's it about?

-About where to go for a drink.

-Yes, now I'm thinking...

...that's a very difficult one.

-That's right, it is.

Being as there's only one pub

in the village.

-Hey, but himself's in there.

-He's black in case you didn't notice.

-No, but it could rub off.

-Jesus, no?

Come on. Come in for a jar,

my shout.

And we thought you was one of

us, Pat Duffy. An Irishman.

Well, now maybe I am as that's what

it says on my birth certificate.

Then why are you off to consort

with one of them?

Did you know that in America we

were known as the Gren N*ggers?

-That's a lie everyone!

-Toasted Irishmen.

And in England as recently as the

fifties. There were many...

...guesthouses that had signs up

saying, no blacks, no dogs, no Irish.

-Well, the English can kiss my ass.

-No, they can't.

And the famous journalist who said,

'Now that Kennedy is President...

...the Irish are almost white'.

Do you see any paralel in that?

-I don't see nothing of the sort.

-Then you're a lot thicker than...

...I gave you credit for. And I won't

be hanging around here.

I'm away for a drink.

-It's not fair. I'm dying out here.

Aye me too, I thought we were

meant to be infiltrating.

Not standing about like idiots.

-You're a traitor, Pat Duffy.

I know it, and I've a desperate

thirst and I'm going to quench it.

-He looks like a packet of M and Ms.

-If you stuck a plug up his arse...

...you could light up the

whole of Ballywood.

Thank God, you haven't got access

to your full optics, Danny.

What's Crack-a-lacking? I know a lot

of you all are in a state of shock.

But that's all right, I'm here to

help. Where I come from we kick it.

I'm going to resurrect some

people. I'm going to do a Jesus.

-What's he saying?

-It beats the hell out of me.

But he's got balls I'll give him

that big ones.

-I don't want no body tripping.

-Tripped? Who tripped?

Where's my medical bag?

-Yeah. Oh, by the way...

...free drinks for everybody!

All right, Gramps! Break it down.

Now I know a lot of you are saying

to yourselves 'All right, who is...

...this Jimmy da Jam character? But

me like him style, all the while...

...come with a big coolade smile.

If you came to have some fun...

...put your glass in the

air, on the one, and say, 'hey'.

Everybody put your glass up

in the air and say, 'hey'.

Hey, we got some more people.

What can I get you?

-How's it going?

-Good, how are you doing?

-Great. Have you got any crisps?

-Crisp? Crisp.

-I think you call them chips.

-Chips! Yes, potato chips.

Thanks. All right?

I don't care, food stamps, if you

got them, hand them over.

Like blue ones red ones, you know

what I'm saying. We can transfer it.

Entertainment in the house tonight.

Is your new landlord.

So we're going to hit it like this.

Hello, good evening, we're

going to do a little number.

And I hope you dig it 'cause I'm

digging you digging it, dig that.

What? That's great. I don't

understand a word of it, but great.

-Interesting, don't you think?

-Definitely.

I mean... Kathleen thinks so.

She thinks he's great.

-It's Kathleen that likes him, is it?

Have you not got drinks to serve?

I think he's fine.

What's this?

What's this?

-Leprechaun land!

-Leprechaun land? That's nice.

That's a good idea. It's kind of

like Disney. Without a mouse, but...

...it's got this little leprechaun

dude. The kids will like that.

So this Lord Hailstock owns

the entire village?

He inherited the land. He owns

everything. Except Finnegan's.

-No wonder you all hate the English.

-That's outdated.

We just don't like anyone who takes

advantage of us.

-40 acres and a mule.

-What's that?

When President Lincoln freed the

slaves the government promised...

...all of us like 40 acres

and a mule.

Black people got happy. We started

running around, break dancing.

We're still break dancing.

Still waiting.

We didn't get a doggie, ain't

seen an acre.

It's funny. Someone offers you an

aspirin and gives you a headache.

Pettikreep. I trust you've had time

to review the surveyor's report.

-Yes, Your Lordship.

-Good.

Then we can proceed.

-As long as no one minds...

...Leprechaun Land being under water.

-What?

The whole area's a bog land, sir.

Anything built there would sink...

...faster than a pint of

O'Malleys, sir.

-Has anyone else seen this report?

-Not a soul, sir.

-Well see that it remains that way.

-But sir...

-Is there a problem?

-It's bog land, sir.

Legally we're supposed...

-I've always envied you, Pettikreep.

-Yes, Sir?

-Blessed as you are with a steady...

...job, a generous employer and

a warm, cosy place to live.

Yes, Sir.

It would devastate me to see

you on the streets, penniless.

Yes, Sir.

I want you to contact our

people in Los Angeles.

I need to know everything there is

to know about our new landlord.

I have to have that pub to

conclude the deal.

Pettikreep?

-Yes, Sir?

-Never forget who butters your bread.

-Yes, Sir.

So this Hailstock's going to suck

everybody dry, huh?

Yeah, like a leech and we stand to

lose everything.

Well, it ain't like things are

bopping around here you know.

This amusement park would be good for

business. Everybody can make money.

The pub, which I own.

-Yeah but at what cost? I mean...

...we lose this fight, we stand to

lose everything that's made this...

...community what it is.

You know.

Money doesn't always buy

you happiness.

It's what you do

with it that counts.

Yeah, you got to spend it

on the finer things in life.

-Good night, then.

-Good night.

Hey Jimmy! You know...

I've often thought that our two

cultures were very similar.

You know... I watched 'The

Commitments' seven times.

Yeah?

Well I thought that 'Jungle Fever'

was... how would you say it?

'All good'.

Well, I'm getting a little jungle

flu out here.

You're okay Jimmy, just a bit

misguided is all.

This is a photographic moment, let

me put this in the memory bank.

You're just a bit misguided, is all.

Go away.

-All right.

Stay!

Did you hear that?

All right, son.

It's me, Father Duffy.

You're safe now.

-Do you know where you are, Jimmy?

-Would you like a drop of whiskey?

-Now, let's be taking a look, then.

Now Jimmy, I want you

to follow me finger.

A bit of a shock to his system, but

other than that I'd say he's in...

...perfect shape. Apart from his dress

sense, now that may be incurable.

But he can't be moved, not yet.

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