Irma La Douce Page #2

so if you're not busy...

- I beg your pardon?

- It's me, Andr, wholesale artichokes.

- I don't need any.

- What the matter with you?

You want me to take my business to Kiki?

- Is this man annoying you?

- It's all right. Not now. Come back later.

Later? I've only got a half-hour.

Look, Officer, there's

a truck double-parked there.

- Now, why don't you do your duty?

- Maybe I will.

- He takes his work very seriously.

- I try.

- See you again sometime.

- I wouldn't be surprised.

- What'll it be, Officer? Cognac?

- No, no. I never drink when I'm on duty.

In fact, I never drink when I'm off duty.

Maybe just a little glass of Vichy water.

Looking for something, Officer?

- What do you know about that hotel?

- Casanova slept there in 1763.

I'm not talking about 1763. Since

I've been here, four couples walked in.

Monday is always a slow night.

Just between us, would you have even

a vague idea what they're doing in there?

I have a very definite idea.

They're making love.

- That's illegal.

- Shows you the kind of world we live in.

Love is illegal, but not hate.

That you can do anywhere,

anytime, to anybody.

But if you want a little warmth, a shoulder

to cry on, a smile to cuddle up with...

...you have to hide in dark corners

like a criminal. Pfui!

- I wouldn't call that love.

- Spoken like a petit bourgeois.

It's flagrant vice

and must be stamped out.

My dear boy, your thinking is not

only fuzzy, it's economically unsound.

And I know what I'm talking about.

I used to be professor

of economics at the Sorbonne.

- A professor?

- For six years, but that's another story.

Then you should agree decent citizens

have a right to be protected from this.

Let's take one, married for 20 years,

works hard all day selling baby carriages.

In the evening he wants

a little fun, companionship.

So he comes to Rue Casanova. He meets

a girl, she gives him companionship...

...he gives her money.

She gives it to her boyfriend...

...the boyfriend spends it on drinks,

on cuff links, at the racetrack.

Sometimes he even pays

a little money to a policeman.

- Bribe a policeman?

- That's the beauty of it.

The policeman takes it and buys

a baby carriage from the decent citizen.

Thusly, money is kept in circulation.

Everybody's prosperous,

everybody's happy.

- I don't believe it.

- It's elementary.

I don't believe there are

policemen who take money.

Oh, not all policemen take money.

Some of the higher-ups have a more

intimate arrangement with the girls.

Well, there's one policeman

around here who isn't corrupt.

You wouldn't know the number

of the police station, would you?

Central 5288. But I wouldn't be

so impetuous if I were you.

Have your Vichy.

Desk sergeant? It's Officer Patou. I want

a police van sent to the Hotel Casanova.

Violation of section 34

of the criminal code.

Not littering the sidewalks, that's section

43. This is lewd and immoral conduct.

There goes another couple.

I'm gonna raid the place.

You're asking for trouble, my friend.

To be too honest in a dishonest world is

like plucking a chicken against the wind.

You'll only wind up

with a mouthful of feathers.

Don't worry, old man.

I know what I'm doing.

- Do you have a fire alarm here?

- Oh, a fire?

Oh, yes. It's right over there.

Yes, Officer.

Oh, it's in perfect working order.

Wh... wh... where is the fire?

Right here.

Oh, no, that's hot! It's hot!

Oh, no, you don't. You're under arrest.

All right! All right, everybody.

Everybody, the party's over!

- Girls on this side, men over here.

- Hey, what is this?

- A raid.

- On a Monday?

- It's supposed to be every other Friday.

- Can I go and get my stockings?

- No. Come on.

- You oughta pay me half.

- It wasn't my fault.

- I don't know what she's talkin' about.

- I was up there unpacking my samples.

- Come on.

Over.

You oughta be ashamed of yourself,

scaring a poor dog like that.

They ought to take that dog away

from you - you're not a fit mother.

Quiet, quiet!

I'll let you men go. We'll need you

as witnesses. Your name?

Jacques Casanova.

- What's yours?

- Andr Casanova.

- I suppose you're Pierre Casanova?

- No, I am General Lafayette.

Retired.

- All right, let's start all over again.

- And what's your name?

I'm Officer... Just a moment,

who's investigating, you or me?

It's an outrage. I'll see you lose your job.

- Shut up.

- Do you know who you're talking to?

Trying to bribe an officer, eh?

Back. Everybody, back. All right,

OK, ladies, let's go. Come on. Back.

- In we go.

- Not so rough.

- Up, up, up.

- Watch that baton.

- Don't handle the merchandise.

- In you get.

- Take it easy, you.

- Come on.

Let's go, let's go. Come on. Here we go.

Let's go now. Here we go. Just a minute.

- No smoking in a police van.

- Who do you think you are? De Gaulle?

- Inside. Come on, come on.

- What do they expect us to do now?

- Collect unemployment insurance?

- It's that new flic.

One of these days I'm gonna

catch him outta uniform, and then...

Up, up, up. Let's go.

Who does this belong to?

Officer, would you zip my dress up?

Will you hold this, please?

Hey!

Say, Officer, do you really

have to take us to the station?

The last time we were arrested,

we drove right on to Deauville.

What a weekend!

18 girls and three policemen.

And they weren't nearly

as cute as you are.

- Wouldn't ya like a harem?

- We'll make you feel like a king.

King Farouk.

Oh, look, he's blushing.

- I guess he's too young.

- Maybe if we put a moustache on him...

...he'd look older.

All right, all right!

One false move out of any one of ya,

and I'm gonna let you have it.

That's enough, girls! Leave him alone.

- He can take care of himself.

- No, he can't.

You know what he was doing before this?

Policing a children's playground.

Now, now, kids, stay out of the bushes.

- Don't take candy from strangers.

- And no playing doctor.

~ Little birdie, pretty little birdie ~

~ Little birdie, fly away with me ~

~ We will build a little nest

We will build a little nest ~

~ Get the best

Get the best ~

~ In my nest

In my nest ~

- Here, you dropped this.

- Oh, thank you.

- You're the only nice one.

- They were just pulling your leg.

And it almost came off.

Sorry I have to put you in jail.

Oh, I don't mind. I can use a little rest.

Oh. Officer Nestor Patou checking in

16 females suspected of lewd vagrancy.

- And one poodle.

- How many? 16?

Yes, Monday is a slow night,

but I'll do better next time.

- You will, huh?

- Definitely.

Hello?

About the little one - don't worry,

we'll feed her around here.

Thank you, but none of that

horse meat you give police dogs.

- She's got kidney stones, remember?

- Hey, Patou!

- The inspector wants to see you.

- The inspector? Did you hear that?

- The inspector wants to see me.

- Maybe they've given you a medal.

Do you think so? No, not on my first day.

- In there.

- All right.

Come in!

Officer Patou reporting.

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