Irma La Douce Page #3

You sent for me... sir.

- So you're the new man?

- Yes, sir.

I've been wondering what you looked like.

- Well, you've seen me before.

- I have?

Remember? At the Hotel Casanova.

What was I doing at the Hotel Casanova?

- I don't know, but I was raiding the place.

- You were. Who authorised the raid?!

I was using my own judgement, sir. It

was an obvious violation of section 34.

We can get a conviction,

now we have you as a witness.

And look at your uniform! It's disgraceful!

There were 16 of them in the van,

and they were resisting arrest, sir.

And I was resisting, too.

I didn't lose my head,

just my gun, but I got it back.

- Take off your cap when talking to me!

- Yes, sir.

Hey, chri, you oughta

get outta those wet clothes.

I'll help you.

Look who's here.

~ Little birdie, pretty little birdie ~

~ Little birdie, fly away with me ~

A glass of Vichy, right?

Cognac, please, to get the taste

of feathers out of my mouth.

~ Little birdie, pretty little birdie ~

~ Little birdie, fly away with me ~

- You off duty?

- Permanently.

- I've been bounced from the police force.

- You don't say?

Had the goods on me. Insubordination,

accepting bribes and a missing button.

So they took away my medal,

threw me out of the barracks.

Reminds me of when I was drummed out

of the army. Marrakech, you know.

I was a colonel in the foreign legion.

Before or after you were

a professor of economics?

No, in between I was a croupier

in Monte Carlo, but that's another story.

Oh. Well... one more.

So, what's your next move?

I've been lookin' for a job,

applied to all the bureaus -

customs inspection, sanitation - but once

you've been dishonourably discharged...

...they won't even let you

clean the sewers.

I hate to see a young man like you

take a defeatist attitude.

The world is full of opportunities.

Just look around.

There's one-armed Jojo,

used to be a safecracker...

...till he put a little too much

nitroglycerin in a vault.

And Casablanca Charlie. Five years ago

he walked in with holes in his shoes...

...and a pocketful of dirty postcards.

Or take Hippolyte the Ox, used to be

a purse-snatcher around the market.

They all started at the bottom, but they

had perseverance and drive and vision.

Now they've got it made. They're retired.

They let their girls work for them.

I'm afraid I wasn't

cut out for a life of crime.

There you go, selling yourself short.

Oh, maybe I could snatch a purse

or crack a small safe...

...but to sit around in a striped suit

while some girl out in the street... never.

You're being petit bourgeois again.

Life is total war, my friend. Nobody has

a right to be a conscientious objector.

- Cigarettes.

- A pack of Gitanes coming up.

- Hello.

- Hello.

- Nasty night, isn't it?

- It never fails.

Wouldn't you know, just

this afternoon I gave her a permanent.

- Put them on my bill.

- Uh...

Can I buy you a cheap drink?

Why not? Do you think

you can afford a peppermint tea?

- Certainly.

- One peppermint tea coming up.

- Here we are again.

- Again? Have we been together before?

I guess you don't

recognise me out of uniform.

Uniform? Oh, about a month ago.

You're that sailor with Brigitte Bardot

tattooed on your chest?

No, it was just this morning...

I arrested you.

Oh. Oh, of course.

I'm sorry, I never remember a face.

Oh... How long did they keep you

in the police station?

- About an hour.

- I was out much faster than that.

- Sugar?

- Thanks.

Say, that hotel, tell me,

what are the rates?

- Why?

- I'm lookin' for a room.

They charge by the hour.

Nobody can afford it.

Besides, they don't take

anybody with luggage.

Irma!

Let's have it.

- Is that all?

- It's the weather. Nothin's happening.

Well, get out and make it happen.

- Do you mind if I dry out first?

- On your way. I haven't won all evening.

When I walked the beat on a night

like this, I wore two pairs of socks.

- You oughta try it.

- And long underwear?

By all means. Also, I'd put a newspaper

inside my coat to keep my chest warm.

Look, mister, I'm in a very

competitive business.

Well, at least you get indoors

once in a while and off your feet.

- I'm sorry.

- Forget it.

You oughta cut down on it.

I mean, one after another.

- Mind your own business.

- If you wanna smoke yourself to death...

I met fellas that asked me to do a lot of

crazy things, but not give up smokin'.

Well, I don't mean to get personal,

it's just that I like you.

In Dijon there was this girl

I was in love with...

- And I remind you of her.

- You don't look anything like her at all.

But she was a heavy smoker, 60

cigarettes a day, coughin' all the time.

What are you hangin' around for?

I said out.

- Please, you're interrupting.

- All right, we were just talking.

- About smoking.

- Talk on your own time.

I would strongly advise you

to let go of the lady.

- Oh, it's you.

- I'll give you exactly five seconds. One...

...two, three, four... five!

Well, that's better.

Outside.

And don't come back with

any excuses. I need 100 francs.

Hey, watch it. This is a new hat.

Had enough?

Now I'm mad.

Now I am really mad.

And when I get mad, I'm like a tiger!

Do you hear that, boys? He's a tiger.

Hey, girls! A fight!

All right... who's next?

Cognac.

Would you care

for another peppermint tea?

No, thank you.

Put everything on my bill.

- Shall we go?

- Might as well.

I'm getting bored with this place.

- Where are we goin'?

- To my apartment.

- I thought you lived in the hotel.

- That's my business address.

Come on, you're getting wet.

Don't expect too much

when we get up there.

No, not at all.

- I have no rugs, no icebox.

- As long as you have an empty couch.

No couch.

I also have to get curtains.

They're working across the street,

repairing the roof, and I sleep in the nude.

Well, it's about time they started fixing

up... You mean you don't wear anything?

Nothing but a sleeping mask.

Oh.

That's all right, because the workmen

wouldn't recognise you anyway.

You know what I've got?

An electric blanket.

It was a present from somebody

with the American Embassy.

That must be nice,

an electric blanket on a night like this.

Only it doesn't work. They've got

a different kind of electricity. AC or DC.

- That's too bad.

- Don't worry, you won't be cold.

I'm not worried.

It's very attractive. It has atmosphere.

Used to be a studio.

A painter once lived here.

Poor guy, he was starving.

Tried everything, even cut his ear off.

- Van Gogh?

- No, I think his name was Schwartz.

Would you believe it, I'm an artist myself.

- I believe it.

- See this bed?

Yes?

I painted it.

Oh. Oh!

Very good job.

It looked just awful when

I found it at the flea market.

- Can I borrow a newspaper?

- You wanna read?

No, of course not.

Can I take your stockings off?

Sure, go ahead.

You really are shy, aren't you?

Me? Shy?

Not particularly. It's... it's just...

the kind of world we live in.

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