Irrational Man Page #10

about doing the right thing,

and what's best, and...

Okay, if they don't see

that they're making a mistake

and let him go in a few days,

then I'll just...

I'll f***in', I'll turn myself in!

I haven't been able to

live with myself as it is!

And this is a...

We're talking about an innocent man

that's gonna be prosecuted for this!

I know, I agree! Let me just see

if my luck holds out,

and they come to realize that

they made a mistake, you know?

Because I mean... Look at me!

- I'm not gonna f***in' make it!

- I know, I understand. I get...

You have to do it by Monday, though, Abe.

You got to do it by Monday,

or else I'm gonna have to do it.

- I'm gonna have to do it.

- You stop that.

- You don't have to do anything, all right?

- Abe...

Just give me till Monday, please?

Look at me, please?

Just give me till Monday?

Okay? I promise.

- First thing in the morning on Monday.

- Okay, okay.

You have to do it, Abe, or I will do it.

I will do it.

You don't have to do anything, I promise.

God damn it, Abe.

But I had no intention

of giving myself up.

A few months ago,

my life meant nothing to me.

I got no enjoyment out of it, no pleasure.

I'd have been fine if that

little game of Russian Roulette ended it.

But since I planned and executed

the elimination of Judge Spangler,

my life had taken a new turn.

I understood why people loved life

and saw it as something

joyous to experience.

I did get pleasure out of living.

I didn't want to commit suicide,

or spend my remaining days behind bars.

I wanted to live, to teach, to write,

to travel, to make love.

That night, I went to bed with Rita,

and even entertained the thought

of takin' her with me to Europe.

I would leave Paul in a minute.

Are you serious?

About Europe, really?

What if I was?

I couldn't believe it.

That's, um...

It would be a dream.

And start over in Rome or Spain or...

London?

The police had their suspect.

Rita Richards, who was never really

serious about suspecting me,

would see it was another man

and that her crackpot theory was crackpot.

The morality of letting someone take

the rap troubled me greatly,

but paled against the hardwiring

of my natural will to survive.

Europe with Rita was beginning

to have an exciting ring to it.

Her passion for love and lust

was contagious.

Only one thing stood in the way.

I had a few days before Jill would insist

I clear the wrongfully accused man.

Was there a way to keep her from talking?

I guess she was right when she said

that one murder opens the door to more.

Jill, I never stopped caring about you.

It was you who wasn't sure how you felt.

I was so stupid, Roy.

I was so stupid, I'm...

If you say you never want to see me again,

I'll honestly say, I deserve it.

But what happened

to make you change your mind?

I don't want to talk about Abe.

I'll never understand him.

That's fine. I never wanted to talk

about him the whole time, anyway.

God, you're too understanding.

You should be angrier with me.

Jill, I'm so in love with you,

but I just...

I just feel like there's something

that you're keeping from me.

I'll tell you on Monday.

Okay.

- All right?

- Okay.

On Monday, you'll know everything,

I promise.

Okay.

I never believed we'd actually break up.

I'm sad to say, but the time has come.

And we need to talk about arrangements.

This is a big step for me.

You've known all along

I've wanted to live abroad.

Yes, yes, but...

- I want you to reconsider.

- Please.

- Please.

- No.

Let's just talk about the details, okay?

Her death would have

to look like an accident.

And I ran through all the ones

she might have and it hit me.

My brief time running an elevator during

my college days might now pay off.

Funny how often your best ideas

come under pressure of a deadline.

It was perfect.

Saturday was her piano lesson.

Most of the offices were closed. There

was very little action in the building.

I couldn't make it look like

the elevator had been tampered with,

but I knew enough

how to make it seem broken.

Hi.

- What are you doing here?

- Hi.

- Hi.

- I just...

I wanted to talk to you

before I go to the police.

All right, if it's about anything other

than turning yourself in,

- I don't want to talk about it, all right?

- No, no...

I see no other way. I just...

I want to apologize

for all the trouble I've caused.

I mean, I just... I can't believe this.

Oh, God. Oh, Abe.

Oh, it's a nightmare, I know.

I don't see any other way

than just telling them the whole story.

What? That I murdered a judge?

I know. I'm going to stand behind you.

- I will, as a friend.

- No, it won't matter, you know?

It's premeditated murder.

I mean, I don't...

They'll put me away for life.

No, maybe they won't.

Hey, maybe with a good lawyer.

- We don't know.

- Come on, who are we kidding?

You know, I just, I can't...

With the passage of time,

the awful vividness

of what I had experienced,

gradually, very gradually,

grew less and less traumatic.

It helped having a boyfriend

who was so loving and supportive.

Every now and then,

I reflected on the whole episode.

And with hindsight, gained some

perspective about life and love,

and who I was.

I even experienced,

for one terrifying moment,

the closeness of death.

The whole thing had been quite a lesson.

A painful lesson.

The kind Abe used to say

you can't get from any textbook.

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