Irrational Man Page #3

in his room and broods.

Yeah, but you can see

why I might be jealous, no?

That's silly.

Famous last words.

I'm sorry.

I know it must have been a disappointment,

to say the least.

Have you tried any of the impotence drugs?

It's not physical.

And don't take it personally.

I haven't been able to perform

in nearly a year.

Have you seen a shrink?

'Cause I know a good one for that problem.

I keep hoping it'll come back

as mysteriously as it left.

I'm sorry I let you down.

No, I'm sorry.

I'm sure it's hell for you.

Thanks for the scotch.

What are you doing over here?

Are you having one of your morbid insights

on the transient futility of human joy?

Is my face that grim?

I have never seen a de Kooning

in a private house.

- I know, so my parents got it at auction.

- It's gorgeous.

They're just starting to collect.

They're buying so much.

They got a Kitaj and a Warhol

at Sotheby's, like, last week.

No way!

I know, I know.

April, honestly,

are you afraid of getting robbed?

No, I mean the house

has alarms, like, all over.

- Show them what your father keeps.

- No.

- Come on, show them...

- I'm not gonna show it to them.

Oh, my God. You do this, like,

every time you come over here.

It's so weird.

We get it, the painting is fine,

the painting is all right.

For the burglars.

Yes, there it is!

- Come on, give me it, give!

- Oh, my God.

- Is it loaded?

- This is my baby.

My baby? Oh, my God.

No, it's not loaded. It's totally...

I'm taking the bullets out.

Do you shoot this?

No, my dad takes it out

into the woods sometimes.

Where they play Russian Roulette.

What's Russian Roulette?

What's Russian Roulette?

- Just explain it.

- All right, fine.

Okay, so, you take a bullet.

Take a bullet

and you put it in the chamber.

- Don't demonstrate it...

- Well, I'm not gonna do it!

So, you... Then you spin it around, right?

And, um, you hold it up to your head.

- You squeeze the trigger.

- Okay...

And you have five, no, you have

five to one odds that nothing will happen.

But if you're unlucky...

- You're just kind of...

- Very unlucky.

Why?

And why do they do this,

just for money, or what?

No, it's like, it's, the stakes are

so much higher than money.

- It's not about money.

- For what? For what end?

You know, you get like a real high

when you pull the trigger and...

Danny, stop! Put that away.

Here, let me see this.

I don't like guns.

Just be careful.

Abe, put the gun down!

Oh, my God!

What the hell are you doing, Abe?

The odds were in my favor.

Do you think that's funny?

- But, I mean...

- Abe, put the gun down.

- Was it worth the risk?

- Well, not at five to one.

Here, fifty-fifty odds.

Abe!

Stop it, stop it!

Stop!

You want to kill yourself,

go to the chem lab, swallow cyanide.

Don't do it in front of us.

This is an existential lesson

better than in the textbooks.

You're drunk.

You're completely drunk.

Let's go home.

Come on, you drink too much.

Fifty-fifty odds is better

than most people get in life.

Word around is your philosophy professor's

got a bit of an alcohol problem.

Oh, boy, that's just one of his problems.

And, you know, it's really a shame,

because he's so self-destructive,

but he's so brilliant.

But can I tell you what I think?

And we're just the music department.

Yes.

He writes very well, very...

Lively.

But it's a triumph of style.

The substance just doesn't

stand up to scrutiny.

His ideas are romantic, but so flawed.

I just hope you're not starting to care

for him too much, in the wrong way.

Oh, God, no.

I love Roy.

Although it is interesting to be around

someone so complicated.

I fear for him, I do.

I, you know...

Romantics think suicide is romantic.

The truth was I was attracted to Abe.

Despite, or was it because,

he was a lost soul.

There was something

about his pain and sensitivity

that tapped into my romantic fantasies.

It was exciting going to museums

and seeing movies with him.

He was truly an original thinker.

The problem was he had no zest for life,

no joy, no clear reason for living,

he said, which alarmed me.

I wanted so much to help him.

I've given up.

It's all bullshit.

You know, my bullshit book

on Martin Heidegger

is not gonna make

a scintilla of difference to the world.

Why do you say things like that?

How do you know that?

I set out to be an active world changer

and wound up a passive intellectual

who can't f***.

Well, Abe, maybe Rita Richards

couldn't get your creative juices flowing,

but did you think that maybe I could?

Uh-uh, Jill.

Don't.

Don't what?

Don't do this.

Well, we spend a lot of time together, Abe.

- You know, and I...

- We're friends.

I know it's...

All right, well, I thought you could tell

that I cared about you.

I mean, it's pretty obvious to everyone.

Including your boyfriend?

I don't... I'm not ready to make

an exclusive commitment to him.

He's...

- I just have a lot of questions and...

- All right, Jill.

Maybe we're spending

too much time together.

Maybe I shouldn't monopolize your time.

Okay.

Why are you in such a bad mood?

Roy, I'm fine.

All right?

Can't I just be a little bit edgy

every once in a while?

Well, have you thought

any more about what I said?

What?

That after graduation, we go to London,

we move in together

and we do our postgrad work at Oxford, no?

It's a very

big idea and I don't know.

I think it would be a great experience.

Jill, stop, stop.

Come on, you know I love you.

What's wrong?

I just can't talk about

this right now, Roy.

I feel very achy.

Like maybe I'm coming down

with something, or...

- Okay...

- I don't know, like a flu or...

All right.

Isn't it a lovely spot?

I love it.

I come here when I want to be alone.

You're looking a little glum.

I'm sorry about this afternoon.

I thought maybe some time had passed,

you know?

And you took the Cialis?

Against my better judgment.

Can I confess something?

When I heard you were coming here,

I'd walk along these rocks,

and had fantasies that we'd meet

and something special would happen.

If you're unhappy,

why can't you just up and leave?

I...

I can't do it alone.

You know, I just can't.

I need somebody to leave with.

Jill had been right

in her appraisal of me.

I was teetering on the brink

of some kind of breakdown,

unable to deal with my feelings

of anger, frustration, futility.

They say that drowning

is a painless way to go.

Despair is what Kierkegaard called

the sickness unto death, Abe.

And you suffer from despair.

I'm well aware of what Kierkegaard thought.

But he was, in the end, a Christian.

How comforting that would be.

So, are you looking forward

to your piano recital tonight?

Did you settle on the Bach?

- We'll figure this out.

- I don't know.

This is wrong.

Are you aware of

what's going on at this table?

What?

It is a messed-up situation.

And my kids

feel like I'm not comin' back.

Aw, that's not true.

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